Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My marriage of 23 years has been disintegrating over the last few years. It appears to be on a rapid downward spiral in the last few months. My husband did not go with the kids and me to Thanksgiving at my sister's house. He chose to stay home alone. We basically live like roommates and only talk when absolutely necessary.
On top of our marital problems, my mother-in-law's cancer (which was in remission) has returned. I heard him on the phone, and when I asked about her condition, all he would tell me is that she needs more chemo. I know she is in the hospital (my son told me), but I don't know which one. He leaves to visit her without telling me. My concern is that she must be thinking that we don't care about her. I suggested to my husband that the whole family could go to visit her next weekend, and he said he didn't "see any point in pretending" (I assume he means pretending that we are a family). Whether it is pretend or not, I am more concerned about his mother's feelings and would go to visit her. The kids have not been to see her either, even though my daughter specifically told him she wanted to go.
Would I be overstepping boundaries if I called his mother's long-time boyfriend to find out where she is and if I could take the kids up to visit?
And on a less important topic, what do I do about Christmas cards? I was planning to send to everyone and sign both of our names, but after the "pretend" comment, I'm not sure. No one has filed for divorce yet, but I'm sure one of us will do it eventually.
I appreciate your input.
On top of our marital problems, my mother-in-law's cancer (which was in remission) has returned. I heard him on the phone, and when I asked about her condition, all he would tell me is that she needs more chemo. I know she is in the hospital (my son told me), but I don't know which one. He leaves to visit her without telling me. My concern is that she must be thinking that we don't care about her. I suggested to my husband that the whole family could go to visit her next weekend, and he said he didn't "see any point in pretending" (I assume he means pretending that we are a family). Whether it is pretend or not, I am more concerned about his mother's feelings and would go to visit her. The kids have not been to see her either, even though my daughter specifically told him she wanted to go.
Would I be overstepping boundaries if I called his mother's long-time boyfriend to find out where she is and if I could take the kids up to visit?
And on a less important topic, what do I do about Christmas cards? I was planning to send to everyone and sign both of our names, but after the "pretend" comment, I'm not sure. No one has filed for divorce yet, but I'm sure one of us will do it eventually.
I appreciate your input.
As far as the Christmas cards go, I like tryn's idea.
Thanks for your suggestion on the Christmas cards. I will think about it. I may just decide to skip them this year.
I was hesitant to even ask him because it sounds like I need his permission. So, I framed it as a suggestion that his mother would probably like to see the whole family, and told him that the kids and I would be available next weekend if his mother was able to take a group of visitors. He still went for the powerplay.
I can certainly call her boyfriend and visit by myself. The problem then becomes a question of why are we visiting separately. I really think she is in bad shape, and I don't want to add to her stress by telling her that we are having marital problems.
If you really feel the need to see her then go. This is one time where a nice polite lie would fit the occassion. Make it up as you go. If she knows she will say something. If she doesn't that's where the lie will work. I hate lying but this is one time it might be necessary.
I can understand the desire to see someone who has been in your life for so long. My FIL died at the start of our divorce and his memorial was several months later. I would have liked to go for his wife. I really liked her. But the ex was being manipulative and none of my family offered me the chance to go. I couldn't make a one day trip and so my daughter drove down and the ex flew to Fl. and then on to China to see the new wife. The one thing I regret is not getting to go for his memorial.
As far as the Christmas cards, and do not take this wrong, but that is not the way on your side to get back at him and announce to others that something is wrong in your relationship. You said you have not done anything to file for divorce and he still lives there, it sounds like you are in the pre part where you are both playing games. You both have not decided to "park it" for awhile, and that is fine. I say this because I know the anger and silent stuff very well, been there. The Smiths or whatever as trytobehappy said is a good solution or just sign it like you usually do every year with his name, it's only a Christmas card. And part of the process of this is learning you do not need his permission to a lot of things. Depending on what your relationship is with your motherinlaw, you get to decided what you want to do. I also suggest as many of us do here for everyone in this process to go to therapy, it will help greatly! Best to you !
Go visit her. You don't need his permission.
Thanks for your comments. The part that is so sad to me is that I feel like his mother is the one who is most hurt by his actions.
Ms. Terev - I did not mean that I would go up to visit to tell my MIL that we are having problems as a way to get back at him. We live quite a distance from her, and if I go alone, it will be difficult to explain the reason for the separate visits. I would NOT want to be the one to tell her, and don't even think he should tell her. If she is going to pass away, let her go with a little peace. I would prefer to visit as a family and "pretend" my butt off, but it doesn't sound like that is a choice.
I do understand that I don't need his permission to do things, but I am still trying to be respectful of his feelings, especially in a situation where he may be losing his mother.
And I have been seeing a marriage counselor for about 6 months now. I'll probably discuss these same points with her this week.