You need to have him arrested. You should press charges for the assault. You have marks to prove it and the cops were there. Get a restraining order and press charges.

Kathy,
I do agree with you. He is a ticking time bomb. I hope I can make a rational decision today when I see the lawyer. I just want all the grief to stop. I need normalcy back in my life. I hate the drama.
thanks.

Ellen, you will make the right decision. You really can't let him back in. If he's not in jail, and you're afraid, is there someone you can call who will hide you? In Australia, and I know it also happens in the UK, you can go to a 'safe house' if you have to. Ask your therapist or your lawyer, even your pastor, about this. Or call the Samaritians or whoever is your help line there.

You may have to have some drama to bring this to an end. Please do what your lawyer and doctor and therapist, and all the wonderful people here, are telling you to do. You can't trust him. He won't change. Getting him out of your life is the best thing to do.

love and hugs
kamary

I can only echo what the others have said. You did the right thing by calling the police.

Sending hugs of strength!

I don't feel like I did the right thing. I feel so guilty. It is my fault. I don't know how else to feel.

I did go to the lawyer and tell him to continue the divorce. I know I'm toxic with him. It is so sick. I know I can't control his drinking and whoring around. I need to stay away from him. My mind tells me this, my heart aches though.

I'm trying to do one day at a time. So far no contact. Its so hard though. I want to know how he is doing. Not my business.

hulibee....what your feeling is very predictable especially for those who have suffered abuse repeatedly over a long period of time. Your guilt is erroneous...regardless of your part you do not deserve physical or emotional abuse..you did not make him behave the way he does.

You need to remove yourself emotionally from this situation and look at it strictly logically. A good way to do this is to imagine your daughter coming to you in dispare...telling you how her H got drunk the night before and grabbed her by the throat and tried to choke her...she goes on to tell you he has beat her before and he is a chronic drug that whores around with countless women...he also abandoned her for another women and left her destitute then he came back begging for another chance and shortly afterwards he beat the crap out of her . What would your advise be to her? What would you say if she said she felt guilty and was to blame? What would you do to help her? Take that advise and apply it to yourself...be your own mother and save yourself...Big Hugs...Kathy

Wow Kathy, this is very vivid like this. I am trying. But, I feel so much like I should fix this. I know logically I cannot. I need to stop. I need to stop. I need to stop. Trying.

Its not yours to fix. No one can fix this except him and it looks like he's not going to. If you had a broken leg...would you fix it yourself? If you had a heart attack would you just take an aspirin. If a bridge had a piece missing...would you still drive over it? The only person you can fix or save...is yourself! The rest is up to him! I know this seems harsh and it goes against what you have conditioned yourself to do...but what you've been doing isnt working...its time to try something different. A healthier you is a stronger you. Somewhere in your belief system you think you cant live without him...you really have not tested just how strong you are. Its time to show yourself and your children just how strong you are and set an example for them to fashion after. Look...you have given it your best...you are beautiful and kind...why do you believe you dont deserve better or more? Think about this...he has abused you for over 30 years....when do you say enough is enough...when do you allow him the opportunity to come face to face with who he really is? By not...your robbing him of a chance to fix whats wrong. As long as we protect the abuser...they have no reason to confront their issues...in other words...when we protect them...we enable them...that is part of the reason the abused feels guilty...because somewhere deep down they know they are part of the problem by protecting them instead of protecting themselves...think about that...please follow the advise you would give your daughter...strength grows when you stand up for yourself...Big Hugs...Kathy

Yes. Thank you.