I get it. It is just a journey we have to walk and there is no standard process...it would be nice if there were, but I guess I didn't get the handbook ;)

I get it too and sometimes those thoughts in your head find their way to this forum. That is what this is for. My thought is take whats said that works for you and leave the rest for someone else in need.

it is all a process. and we all handle such processes in our own way, be it right or wrong. but it is also a traumatic experience none of us want to go through. 29 years??? seriously??? and one can just walk like it never happened. oops there I go again. I have a grip on it. maybe not a firm, no hands barred grip, but a grip nonetheless.
and please don't think I don't love this group. it has helped me tremendously the last year or so..exactly not sure when I joined. seems like you have all been in my life for some time.

nohappy, he may APPEAR that he just "walked" and like nothing happened, but trust me -- HIS DAY WILL COME. In my case, the now-X left to be with his OW and within 2 years of the divorce being final, she dumped his sorry behind. THEN he was ONE SORRY COWBOY. You know what I said, "Too bad. So sad." And by the time that rolled around, I was well into my New Life WITHOUT HIM.

So the sooner you stop looking at what you THINK he has and focus on YOURSELF, the sooner you will work your way through this process. Things aren't always as they appear. Believe me, his wrongdoing and his guilt WILL catch up to him one day. And if I'm right, by the time it happens, you won't give a rat's butt about it one way or another.

DETACHMENT is the key. Detach, detach, detach. That takes time, distance and minimal (or no) contact. You CAN do this! Sending you lots of love, strength and tenacity! xoxox

I too had pondered how the ex can turn emotionally off so easily much like a hand faucet. For whatever reasons, their decision was made by CHOICE. But fear of exposure tags along with the ride in a cheater's reputation. My ex showed emotional fear halfway near to what MEL GIBSON showed in his court. I couldn't believe my eyes. Think of his fear as your safety net. All you need to do is show up , God and karma does the rest. So my dear, underneath his skin, his conscious is kicking tail, he's wishing for a new image !

oh thanks you guys. a little boot in the butt helps now and then,

little things mess me up. sitting here enjoying a tv show, neighbor calls. a harley red in color, 1 rider with helmet (ohio has no helmet law but west virginia does. which is where he lives) goes by but beeps at my house right in front. no doubt mine. well the ass just bought himself a new harley red in color with all the fancy stuff on it. now, I doubt highly it was him. but with the md text sunday and now this? stalker??? lol. he lives 80 miles away but nothing he does would surprise me.

what are the odds? go away! you are like a fungus and keep coming up when I don't want it!! lmao

nohappy...I just popped in for a few minutes and read your thread. Everyone here understands exactly what your feeling. It took me almost 4 years to get to the point where I can look into my future and see happiness as a part of it. I was married for 24 years and raised 2 kids. I never cheated and held him and my family as my top priority. When we divorced the 1st time it tore me apart...I felt lost and bewildered...broken. Things did not turn out the way he had planned and wanted me and his family back...I jumped at that chance. As you may already know it didnt work out...he fell back on the same old behaviours and we divorced again. Both divorces were unwanted by me.

I struggled with the same questions you do now...and guess what...there are no answers. Somehow we find our way through this emotional maze and find that place of acceptance that can only be found by working through the emotions and asking the questions that have no answers. It sucks. As for them...do not be fooled by appearances. As Kathi already mentioned....their day will come...Karma. When and how is not up to us but trust me...it will come. My ex fell hard...his life is a mess...he is is own worst enemy.

I know it hurts and I know its confusing. How could they do what they did? Why did they do what they did? When will it stop hurting? When will acceptance come? Will they ever be sorry they did what they did? The questions are endless. The bottom line is...it really doesnt matter...it been done and there is nothing any of us could have done or said to prevent it. We are not in control of anyone but ourselves and that also applies to our healing. For me...healing was a bit slow...it was like layers of an onion being peeled off. Each layer had its own emotions and unanswered questions. Each layer had its pain and hurt...but each layer also had its own level of acceptance. With each layer peeled away...the process was repeated only to a lesser degree...but...each layer also came with a better understanding and level of acceptance. My resolve to heal and find my inner peace became stronger and stronger. I am confidant you too will find your own process that works for you...trust your heart and process...Big Hugs...Kathy

Better off not knowing anything about him .
The girls here said it all................
I was one of those "onion layers" kind of a person in my recovery .
In fact I feel that I still have a couple (Not many) more layers to peel.
(Well said dairytech )
Take care of YOURSELF Nohappy.
Timeman

I get you, nohappy. There is no way in "the hot place " that I would ever want to be with my ex again, but I still have days when I feel sad and ask the unanswerable questions which I need him to answer, and I wonder where it all went wrong, why he still treats me like I don't exist..... etc etc.

I think you're doing really well, btw.

love and hugs
kamary

i feel stronger...at least most of the time. my days I make busy as I can. I try not to "reflect" on the past or him. just seems like little things keep happening that bring him back to my existence. an existence of which he has no part of. so don't ask about me, dont send text, don't come near my "neck of the woods" don't let my name come off your lying cheating lips. let me move on. finalize this thing. quit stalling. it's been way too long.

Thanks again all. the closer it gets to "d" day I will probably be going through a whole mountain of emotions. so until june 10th bear with me. I may not even understand my own words. (that's IF he doesn't do something again to delay.)

I think for most of us our lives revolved around our spouse and children. My EX was gone a lot with travel, but he was the decider whatever hobby he was into we followed. I think it is important to rediscover ourselves and attempt to do some of the things we always wanted to do but didn't or couldn't because our spouse wasn't interested or supportive of. Then you will be on the path of recreating yourself and enjoying life again. Filling up those gaps left behind with good stuff.

My EX and I are on friendly terms, but when he calls I don't share with him what's going on in my life. I feel like I need to protect it from him, not because of what he might say or think about it...because I own it now....not him. Now if something happened with someone in my family I would clue him in...after all we were together for so long and families intertwined, but no news about me. Hope that makes sense.

If you are serious, don't downplay what stalking can do. I agree, it's not your burden to chase him down requesting to stop. BUT when or if he shows the white of his eyes uninvited or tries to communicate, he'd reconsider. Ever hear of getting a court order to curtail harassment ? It lets stalking stbx know there are serious consequences and punishment if caught. If need, get your bull dogs to send the message that you are a SERIOUS contender who guards their freedom.

It is hard. I know that every so often I still dream about my ex. I should call it a nightmare because I wind up shoving him away. I was the one who left and I have no regrets. If your ex is stalking you, get a restraining order. There are groups that can help you without charging you.

I completely understand. I do have moments where I fleetingly think about what if in regards to reconcilliation. Then I step back and remember what got me to this place and the moment is gone.

I've realized I am in love with what I wanted, not what I had.

My therapist says he was part of half of my life and it'll take many years to work through the grief and deal with all the hurts and memories that come up.

Yes, PsiChi, we grieve for the dream that is no more.

These days, I thank God that my eyes have been opened and that I'm no longer living with a man who promised to share that dream and then decided to have his own without telling me.