Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi everyone! I'm still around in the background reading everyone's post. Not everyday like I used to, but I still get encouragement from reading them when I can. I debate whether or not to post because I'm already 4+ years post divorce and talk myself out of it, but I really need to reach out more (therapy ran out with health insurance a long time ago). So with that, this past week I was traveling and busy with family for the Holidays and didn't look at my emails where they had accumulated to over 750!! Mostly ads and store coupons and such; I've finally stopped giving them my email when they ask. Gesh. So I started deleting...deleting....and deleting. Then I came to the ones that I had been saving. The ones my lawyer said to keep since I would need them for returning to court for spousal support. Seriously. Everyone keeps there emails but why I had to reminisce and get all entangled in them was a nightmare. Absolutely wasted an entire day of reading and crying and feeling like a complete loser. I found them so convincing. He was very good at turning it all around on me. I am NC and haven't seen nor spoken to him in over a year. I was anticipating a text on my 50th birthday this past month, but nothing...two days later he text me and apologized for sending it late (after my daughter mentioned she was at a surprise party for me). I never responded. He did send me a condescending text after a recent visit (Holiday Dad) with my daughter about how my "doldrums" are holding our daughter back from moving on. I didn't respond. But it HAUNTS ME! Why am I holding this man (who isn't and hasn't been a part of my life) opinion of the care and responsibility of our daughters to matter! And after the email fiasco I had a melt down and now I'm just feeling down.
I see his life as this magical new beginning. Like he tells everyone he should have done this a long time ago that our marriage was not really a marriage. He claims not to have cheated on me since he says we were separated when he met her. It's all technical to him that way. I find it to be a cover up and however it happened she was there for him, so he told the kids. He is engaged now. Well told the kids it's a promise ring...who does that at age 49?!! All the while the OW post their engagement on Facebook which was a real shocker for the kids. Eventually they'll get married he says in 2 years. OW father's health is bad and I think X was under pressure to do the right thing. His hell now. How can he not marry her with a promise to a dying man? Whatever. I don't want to focus on his life and all the amazing adventures and goings on. Its been 4+ years and he has his own life without me or the kids and I'm not even a speck in his memory. I think we expect them to have ties to us, but in reality I'm just "His daughter lives with his X in Florida." Can he ever really sleep at night knowing how he left and abandoned his daughter after her return to life or his son that he can't connect with. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. All the socializing and Holiday parties and life without responsibilities. He lucked out when he met the OW with no kids and great six figure job that she can travel and be by his side. His next visit with his daughter in the spring when he has to go to the Keys for work vacation then spend a few days with daughter all the while traveling with OW. sigh. Then he's planning a visit to Palm Springs in Cali to visit our son while he vacations at a 5 star resort with OW of course. These are the things we were supposed to do together as our life matured and the kids moved on. Now he does them with her. Especially since we never had this opportunity; we struggled financially and of course he blames me for that. Now with this new 6 figure income he is FREE!! (well except for the spousal support).
I know I'm rambling now. I'm not back emotionally where I was a few years ago and I realize I have a great life and have done a lot to move on. Seven steps forward and 3 steps back. Would appreciate the support these days... :-(
I see his life as this magical new beginning. Like he tells everyone he should have done this a long time ago that our marriage was not really a marriage. He claims not to have cheated on me since he says we were separated when he met her. It's all technical to him that way. I find it to be a cover up and however it happened she was there for him, so he told the kids. He is engaged now. Well told the kids it's a promise ring...who does that at age 49?!! All the while the OW post their engagement on Facebook which was a real shocker for the kids. Eventually they'll get married he says in 2 years. OW father's health is bad and I think X was under pressure to do the right thing. His hell now. How can he not marry her with a promise to a dying man? Whatever. I don't want to focus on his life and all the amazing adventures and goings on. Its been 4+ years and he has his own life without me or the kids and I'm not even a speck in his memory. I think we expect them to have ties to us, but in reality I'm just "His daughter lives with his X in Florida." Can he ever really sleep at night knowing how he left and abandoned his daughter after her return to life or his son that he can't connect with. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. All the socializing and Holiday parties and life without responsibilities. He lucked out when he met the OW with no kids and great six figure job that she can travel and be by his side. His next visit with his daughter in the spring when he has to go to the Keys for work vacation then spend a few days with daughter all the while traveling with OW. sigh. Then he's planning a visit to Palm Springs in Cali to visit our son while he vacations at a 5 star resort with OW of course. These are the things we were supposed to do together as our life matured and the kids moved on. Now he does them with her. Especially since we never had this opportunity; we struggled financially and of course he blames me for that. Now with this new 6 figure income he is FREE!! (well except for the spousal support).
I know I'm rambling now. I'm not back emotionally where I was a few years ago and I realize I have a great life and have done a lot to move on. Seven steps forward and 3 steps back. Would appreciate the support these days... :-(
Your doing well and a little set back, is just that - a little set back. You'll be back to normal in no time. You've got this sister!
Big hug. Thanks for sharing and keep the 4 steps forward in your sight!
Having said that, I think it helps to revisit our sadness and pain every now and then. We have to honour our own pain, loss of dreams, and change in circumstances. I think it helps to really feel the feelings in order to let it all go properly. so before you send him off into eternity, let yourself mourn for the future you thought you were going to have, for the life you thought was yours.
Remember that what you think you see is not always real. They may be doing the things, going on the trips etc, but you really don't know what is happening underneath all that glitter.
Then get back to looking at your own life and how you can find moments of joy today:)
love and hugs
kamary
My girls were there for Thanksgiving, and my daughters were having trouble sleeping together because one was sick and coughing all night long - so when talking to her, I said - why don't you go sleep on the couch? She said I can't Dad's there. (I wanted to say does he have his computer on his lap and his hands down his pants? - but I stopped myself ha ha ha)
You see honey - whatever issues our exes had, they took with them and it's all playing out in the new place. Unless one recognizes a problem and does something to fix it i.e. intensive therapy...The one constant in any relationship is them.
You'll be ok. Don't think he's got everything and you've got nothing because it's very far from the truth. Money isn't everything...
I am sorry that purging all those emails got you so down in the dumps! I can understand it; though. Long after my divorce when I was cleaning out my house in Maryland to move to SW Florida, I finally took all those boxes out from under my bed (everything having to do with the divorce was in those boxes!) and threw them away. The only thing I needed to keep was the actual Decree of Divorce and the Judge's Opinion and they went into the safe. I started sleeping better almost immediately!
As to these ponderings about what his life is like now, all I can say is that the sooner you stop thinking about HIM and start focusing on YOURSELF and YOUR LIFE, the better off you will be. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors. That was pretty evident in MY LIFE -- that all of our close friends were truly SHOCKED when they learned that he had simply dumped me and run into the arms of the OW.
You will be ok. But it takes time and effort! Block anything and anyone who posts "news" about him or the new woman from your FaceBook account. IGNORE IT! Let the tales that people seem to want to tell you go in one ear and out the other. I had to be adamant about it with a number of people -- told them STOP! I DON'T CARE TO HEAR A SINGLE WORD ABOUT HIM! Eventually, they all got the message and I was finally able to have some peace.
Sending big squeezy hugs to you, my friend.
xoxo
I realized driving home from work today that there is no room in each others lives for the relationship we had. Even if we were together never divorced I could never juggle him for my daughter and her care. He's so busy with his new career and I frankly I could never choose between flying in for dinner meetings with him and his clients/bosses or to be with my daughter. It would never have worked without compromise and he was never one to compromise himself and I would have to bend over backwards to make it work. His lifestyle and OW fits and suits him well. I'm not a fan, but it is what it is. And then I thought I wish him the best (helps with my spousal support) but also I really do appreciate that he finally got the dream job he deserved.
Then is turned into him and his thoughts of me...he hates me...his hate fuels his love of his new life. It made me very sad to think that someone who cared so much about be as his wife and mother of his children is nothing more that a bitter taste in his memory. He doesn't have a nice thing to say about me and I am not a mean or nasty x. I'm NC. I choose to not interact with him nor do I ever want to be his friend. But the fact that there is not even a twinge of remorse or feeling towards me.
I know get over it. But it bothers me that so many have had their X's return or float back n forth because they at least had some type of feeling or empathy. I know some of you will say that I'm better off for it. It's just so cold and I feel for my kids who see this and that their parents don't have a communicating relationship. They see so much more and I know I'm better off but they do see all the wonderful amazing things there dad is doing and with the OW and how "happy" he is.
So with that...I'm ok. I'm better than I was and as you say I have to go through it...just sucks when I do.
Thanks for the support!!