Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hello, some know my story, but will repeat,
together 23 years, will be married 20, in May.
three children, son 18, daughter 12, daughter 10.
was asked to move out in July 2014 , she needed time and space, didn't want to but did, found a rooming house for 303.00 a week , took it, shared kitchen bathroom etc.... gross, ate out just about every night, the nights I didn't I just didn't eat, cost me a lot of money in the two months I stayed there.... not too mention I could only see kids a short time as they could not come to rooming house (a rule)
after two months, I asked if it was long enough, she said no, I had to think about myself at this point she didn't want to talk to me at all, so I found a one bedroom, took it, the only down fall was I had to sign a 1 year lease, asked her again if I can come home, that I can't stay in the rooming house, and I need to see more of my kids. she said do what you have too, so I did, moved in Sept. 1st, had the kids sleep over that weekend, was great having them again. my oldest didn't want to sleep over but he came over for dinner.
so she has no desire to talk to me at all, 6 months in, my girls tell me they found a pregnancy test in mom's car... great,, I don't say anything, but my 12 year old is furious, and calls her out on it, she gets oh the lady at the store put it in the wrong bag.... that can work on a 12 year old, not me, she tells me it's a friends.......
I gave everything to this women, I did 99 percent of everything in that household, took kids to all sports, doctors, school events etc... gave up most of the family events cause she felt bad her brother had no where to go, I invited him many times,, nope, so we always had to have him at the house, where he would get hammered and pass out..... 80 percent of the time yes.....
so I'm 8 months deep, went to court once, she got temp orders for support ect.... we go back in April to finish the deal.
I didn't want this at all, she fueled it all, wants nothing to do with me. which is killing me, found out last week that she did indeed have an affair. which is dragging me down even further.
I honestly can't take it anymore, I can't except it, i should be able to move on but can't, gave up all my friends (she didn't want me going out with them), I can say my family has been there for me, my sister told me at Thanksgiving that it's good to have me back at family events etc.,
I joined a support group a month ago, but they have yet to have a class due to the snow, seems every sunday we get another 20 inches of snow.
was drinking heavy at first, really slowed down, did go to a wedding this past weekend , got home and took several sleeping pills, woke up Sunday around 7 ish, didn't know what day it was, found a note saying please take care of my kids....serveral missed calls, 20 texts, I guess there are people that care about me. I think it's safe to say I'm at rock bottom, i have work today, I'm here but my head is foggy, It hurts, not a hangover hurt, like I need more sleep hurt..no way I can stay here all day... there's a photo shoot happening that I'm suppose to be in but I look like I just crawled out of a dumpster...
group got canceled tonight...
I feel so so guilty..sad..hurt..upset , like a jerk, loser ect......
we rented a house starting Wednesday, my brother, sister and I and our family's for tubing and skiing, should be ok....
need strength to get from one day to the next......... it really sucks...
just need to go home and cry some more... not that it helps,
together 23 years, will be married 20, in May.
three children, son 18, daughter 12, daughter 10.
was asked to move out in July 2014 , she needed time and space, didn't want to but did, found a rooming house for 303.00 a week , took it, shared kitchen bathroom etc.... gross, ate out just about every night, the nights I didn't I just didn't eat, cost me a lot of money in the two months I stayed there.... not too mention I could only see kids a short time as they could not come to rooming house (a rule)
after two months, I asked if it was long enough, she said no, I had to think about myself at this point she didn't want to talk to me at all, so I found a one bedroom, took it, the only down fall was I had to sign a 1 year lease, asked her again if I can come home, that I can't stay in the rooming house, and I need to see more of my kids. she said do what you have too, so I did, moved in Sept. 1st, had the kids sleep over that weekend, was great having them again. my oldest didn't want to sleep over but he came over for dinner.
so she has no desire to talk to me at all, 6 months in, my girls tell me they found a pregnancy test in mom's car... great,, I don't say anything, but my 12 year old is furious, and calls her out on it, she gets oh the lady at the store put it in the wrong bag.... that can work on a 12 year old, not me, she tells me it's a friends.......
I gave everything to this women, I did 99 percent of everything in that household, took kids to all sports, doctors, school events etc... gave up most of the family events cause she felt bad her brother had no where to go, I invited him many times,, nope, so we always had to have him at the house, where he would get hammered and pass out..... 80 percent of the time yes.....
so I'm 8 months deep, went to court once, she got temp orders for support ect.... we go back in April to finish the deal.
I didn't want this at all, she fueled it all, wants nothing to do with me. which is killing me, found out last week that she did indeed have an affair. which is dragging me down even further.
I honestly can't take it anymore, I can't except it, i should be able to move on but can't, gave up all my friends (she didn't want me going out with them), I can say my family has been there for me, my sister told me at Thanksgiving that it's good to have me back at family events etc.,
I joined a support group a month ago, but they have yet to have a class due to the snow, seems every sunday we get another 20 inches of snow.
was drinking heavy at first, really slowed down, did go to a wedding this past weekend , got home and took several sleeping pills, woke up Sunday around 7 ish, didn't know what day it was, found a note saying please take care of my kids....serveral missed calls, 20 texts, I guess there are people that care about me. I think it's safe to say I'm at rock bottom, i have work today, I'm here but my head is foggy, It hurts, not a hangover hurt, like I need more sleep hurt..no way I can stay here all day... there's a photo shoot happening that I'm suppose to be in but I look like I just crawled out of a dumpster...
group got canceled tonight...
I feel so so guilty..sad..hurt..upset , like a jerk, loser ect......
we rented a house starting Wednesday, my brother, sister and I and our family's for tubing and skiing, should be ok....
need strength to get from one day to the next......... it really sucks...
just need to go home and cry some more... not that it helps,
It gets better, I promise. Spending time with family is good. Going to a group to get support is even better. This group is awesome and you will find support here.
We're in the same weather boat too-I live in MA as well and I've just about had it with this winter! You're not a loser! Divorce sucks and after a betrayal it's even worse so I know what you're going through. This is your wife's loss, not yours.
Sending support.
lemaym1.wordpress.com
Know that we all understand completely.
YOU WILL BE FINE!!!
Hugs,
Donna
It sucks to be here, but you have found a good place. We have ALL been where you are right now and lived to tell about it. You will certainly benefit from this group "Wisdom of Experience" and I personally welcome you.
Oh I still remember that "fog" -- caught myself driving 35 miles an hour on the Baltimore Beltway one afternoon -- on my to see my therapist. Scary! But that's one thing that absolutely made the whole experience tolerable -- I saw my therapist once and sometimes TWICE a week for the entire 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating, cowardly now-X. And to make it all worse, I didn't even KNOW about the other woman until 3 months AFTER I gave him his walking papers. All he said was "I'm unhappy" -- nothing specific -- but I later learned this is just cheaterspeak for "there is someone else."
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Make sure you are eating right and getting some exercise. I am glad that you have joined a support group and I would highly recommend that you find a qualified counselor or licensed therapist to help you through this journey. Having a good lawyer definitely helps, too.
I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers for sure.
xoxo
We've been where you are now. It sucks. We ALL get it. But here's the thing: your life is NOT over and you will indeed heal from this terrible hurt. The mess will get cleaned up, new realities will set in, the co-parenting thing will get worked out, the financials will get worked out, your heart and spirit will heal. Thing is - and here's the tough part - it does take time. Sometimes the minutes and hours of each day feel like they're adding more and more burden and not making things better.
Sometimes ya gotta hit rock bottom before you can start fixing and rebuilding. It's not fair, right? Nope, it sure isn't! But it's happened and it's not going to un-happen. You're still working on accepting that I imagine. That takes time in and of itself!
The initial shock can last awhile. Don't beat yourself up for hurting. It's normal, you're a human being who felt safe and secure in your family life. You mention that there were troubles, an unbalance in how you and your wife operated. My guess is that you likely accepted these little (or nor so little?) issues as your 'normal'. You weren't going to leave I'm guessing. That, my dear, is a VERY familiar story around here! Most of us who left or were left because our spouse cheated or acted out or whatever....we weren't exactly in a fairy tale. The odd person says that it was bliss and there was NO signs but....there's almost always signs of trouble of some sort! Sometimes hindsight is 20/20 in these cases!
Your spouse was thinking another way I guess, and you didn't see it coming. I'm sorry for that. Hang in there. Right now you desperately need people. Who? Only you know that. Trusted family members I'm guessing, since you say you've left friends mostly behind you. Believe me on this though: new people WILL enter your life, you will make new friends, forge new connections, learn things about yourself, your own personal, emotional strength, that you never knew! It will happen!!! It HAS to happen, because you must and will get through this!
Get to that group asap even if you have to snowshoe there!!!! Therapy has helped a lot of us and I hope you can access that, for no fee through your work if you can as it can be expensive. I personally got coverage for awhile and when it ended, I continued on my own, but therapy can easily be more than $100 / hour so.....it's expensive. But in my mind you can't put a monetary price on re-gaining your spiritual and emotional health!
Lawyer up GOOD! You'll need that. Come back and talk with us anytime. There's always someone around. Hugs of support new member! It sucks to be among us but....one day you'll get why this is a wonderful, safe place to learn and heal.
You're in for a rough road I won't lie. But I would absolutely stay away from alcohol. That makes it much worse. Journaling and venting on here helps. Also check out a couple sites that helped me:
Www.chumplady.com
Www.breakuprecoveryguide.com
Take care you will make it. It's just a matter of time.
lemaym1.wordpress.com
I'm sure the love of your children will help you, we can be incredibly strong when we focus on what's best for them and act accordingly. I know that taking care of my, now 26 year old, son saved me after my daughter passed, and surely helped me through the divorce. Staying civil and compassionate for his sake helped both my husband and myself through the worst of it.
Also, I'm pretty sure some of your friends would love a blast from the past. Connect with them, catch up on happier times. Small breaks in the middle of the hard work of grieving can ease your heart.
Peace and health to you.
Hugs!!
The others have said it better than I can. It sucks but it gets better. I am glad you have your own place now that your kids can stay at. Having them in your life is better than anything you can do. I will reiterate what someone said. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. You cannot help yourself or your kids if you get lost in that world. Instead get lost in something healthy. Some fitness activity?
I'm pretty sure that your situation is compounded by your awful weather! I am sure that your spirits could be dampened by that even in the best of times! Prayers for you!! You have come to a great place. None of us wanted to be here but it was a Godsend for us.
Most of us here have had their families torn apart by infidelity. It is no uncommon, but that doesn't mean it's easy. You will navigate it and get through it. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and you have one too. Your kids will be ok, you will be ok and life will continue. You might even be surprised to find that it will be better!
Sending you lots of support - Welcome to the group
My heart pours out to you.
I remember that horrible feeling 8 years ago when my
wife of 38 years left me for an old college friend.
( Btw- He died a year later.....faith would have it )
So, listen ......I was 61 years old when she left and I cried.......for two years.
It's OK to cry even as a man.....it's OK.
Please stay away from the drinking. It will only cause more problems now and later.
If you're religious go to your church .many churches have help meetings.
I remember that my pain eased after a year or so ( maybe longer ???) When I turned everything over to God. It helped a lot.
Remember your children love you and always will. You are still their father and............always will be.
I came to D&S a long time ago and......it helped me so much...we hate to see you here but yet are glad you came here..
Take day by day......sometimes, hour by hour.....
All these affairs these wife's and husband have !!!!!! They think that everything is going to be LA LA with their new friend...then they find out...its not true down the line.. My x now is trying to get closer to me........but I'm remarried... My new wife loves me very much. I wish my x the best,but she made her choice.
Do your best my friend. We're all here ..FOR YOU !
TIMEMAN
kinda really opened my eyes a little cause here she is running a daycare and my kids are there and she's screaming her head off at me.... telling me I have to tell her every move I make when I have the kids, where they are, what there doing, who there with etc,, I said no I only need to tell you and get permission when I leave the state.. I feel bad her check is delayed but I have no control over that.
I hope I start to see things more clearly soon, getting away with my family is going to be so good for me, plus to have my kids for 5 days straight, I can't wait..
we have so much planned.
please bear with me if I vent a little...
thanks again everyone for the kind words of hope
and yes, you don't need to give her an itinerary when you have the children with you. All you need to do is pick them up and either drop them off or have them available or the designated times.