I cant imagine He would admit to it if it wasnt true.
I hope you got yourself All checked out. I did, supposedly
My ex did not do anything Physical until after he left and
Asked for a divorce.

Welcome aboard great group here. Mine ex is a
recovering Alcoholic With an addictive personality.
That included getting his ego stroked on facebook,
He Started liking porn and then needy women in AA.

We had a normal seeming marriage for years. You
Never really know whats in anothers heart and soul.
He had checked out long before those bad behaviors
Started.

Sorry for your pain, i think many of us have been where
You are at. Gay just adds a different dimension to the
Betrayal and hurt.

Hugs and welcome

((((( julie))))

Shortly after our 25th anniversary my husband got involved with a former girlfriend from his college days 30 years prior. i was devastated and totally blindsided. However, I think getting the news that you did that he is gay must add a whole other layer of hurt and betrayal/deception. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. You must be questioning your whole life together. I hope you are seeing a counselor to help you work through all the conflicted and confusing feelings you must have. Do you have a support system of family/friends with whom you can share this? I think you will find a lot of support from people on this site, but you might also consider a support group for spouses dealing with the loss of a relationship due to the spouse being gay. Sending you a welcoming hug :)

Thanks guys! I am not seeing a counselor right now because 1) I have in the past and didn't find it helpful; 2) I am seriously broke and cannot afford it. I also don't have many close friends because I am a very private person, and most of our friends were "church" friends because we were in the ministry for many years. Since he has come out that isn't who I want to be around. And I can't talk to family members because both of my sisters have their own problems: one has marriage/kid/work problems and one has terminal stage 4 breast cancer. So no real support system. I am reading Susan Elliott's book Getting Past Your Breakup and working through things, but sometimes I do feel like I'm losing it. This board has helped.

Welcome Julie. My wasband was an addict, apparently since his early teen years, although I didn't know until about a decade before our divorce. He told me he thought I could save him from his addictions when we met. I find myself second guessing everything I believed to be true with him. My guess is you have some of that happening, or a lot. Whether they're lying to themselves about addictions, sexuality, or in denial about anything else, it's devastating to the family.

Maybe check if your work has EAP, employee assistance programs, or check with non-profit assistance programs. Even though counseling hasn't helped in the past, you may find, if you connect with the right person, it may help you work through your losses.

You're welcome here. I'm sorry you're in a position to need us, but especially without in person support, I'm glad you're here.

I love alanon it has saved me on so many levels
So has divorce care another great group neither
Cost much or anything at all if you don't have it.

Many on here can relate, i question everything
About my marriage that, I question my reality
often you are not alone. Dont let the church
Aspect stop you.

Many have had abuse that is another shame
Based issue and topic. Nobody really wants
To go there.

((( hugs ))))

Julie:
Indeed this is an unusual circumstance, but not uncommon. The biggest thing you are dealing with is the suddenness of his "confession" and departure. Know that we have all been where you are at one time or another and have lived to tell about it.

I am friends with a woman down here whose husband made the same confession after many, many happily married years. She said there was about a 2-year period when she was so angry with him, she refused to speak to him at all. Now -- 11 years later -- they have a wonderful relationship as co-parents to their adult children and with each other. Just proof that time can heal all kinds of wounds.

Coincidentally, I am also good friends with my friend's X-husband and his partner. They have both shared the agony and frustration they endured before "coming out." I can see both sides of this situation. Having to deny who you really are in a relationship is impossible over time. I think if my X would have ended up being gay, the whole thing would have been a little easier to understand and come to terms with. But regardless of circumstance, it's still a very difficult journey.

I would strongly advise you to speak to an attorney about your rights under the laws of your state if you haven't done so already. In a marriage of this length, you would certainly be entitled to some kind of financial relief in the interim.

All of us here do our best to console, cajole, advise and (when needed) deliver a swift kick to the seat of pants. At some point in this, you have got to TAKE CONTROL and the best way to do that is to empower yourself with knowledge. I recommend www.divorcesource.com as a place to begin.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo

Sometimes it is simple denial of their truth,
I work with a guy that did that they all worked
It out. He is now remarried as is his wife and
They have a daughter they coparent.

Sometimes its much deeper issues and problems
If he was in therapy it might be simple yes he is
Gay and unhappy in a straight marriage and it
All has come out of the closet now.

Whatever you will need support and a good lawyer
To get thru this. You are not alone there is Support
Here and out there.

(((( hugs ))))

My own [and for some others here] the quick abandonment of my long term marriage abruptly came to a sudden halt was made from the unilateral decision by my exiting spouse. The unilateral decision seems to be the common denominator in your story. In my opinion, the usual complaint being blindsided is that the spouse's omissions were designed to block any awareness of their pending plans of "leaving".

For whatever reason/s your spouse left the contractual marriage is technically NOT SO different from heterosexual relationships. Everybody knows the universal rules of marriage between two individuals and its meaning. What concerns me is , the act of suddenly leaving the marriage, generally is not so AMICABLE. My only advise is, I hope that your stbx doesn't make you fight for your equal share at division! That would be amicable. The least you can offer is to hold the door open as he leaves and wish him " Good luck".

Mine has not come out and said it....but several counselors we have seen in the past eluded to it.....and his behavior speaks to it, so I am pretty sure he may be....or at the very least, bisexual.

Julie welcome to our group. You don't give any information beyond a statement of facts. Also, you say that your husband left last summer. It's now almost April. You also don't mention about what has occurred between then and now relative to next steps.
If you tell us a little more about where you are at in the process of separation/divorce we'll be better able to provide you some opinions and advice.

You all are very encouraging - thank you so much! In answer to your "where are we now" question: When he left we already had our house on the market. It finally sold in late November, closed the end of December and because he assumed all debt and allowed me to take all proceeds, and because I had excellent credit I was able to buy my own small house. We finalized a Financial/Separation Agreement in early February and the Divorce will be final after 1 year's continuous separation (July). Since our 2 children are (basically) grown and we each have similar-income jobs, there is no child or spousal support. He does pay half of all of the kids' expenses.
I have been blessed/cursed with the ability to look at/seek to understand all sides to everyone's story, and there has been no other time in my life that this ability has served me better... or caused me more heartache. You see, after the initial weekend of closing myself up in my house and sobbing until my eyes were swollen shut, I realized that my only choice was to accept and move forward. And I had a choice there: to either be angry (waste of my time and energy) or try to heal myself and maintain a relationship of sorts with him. He has maintained that he was at no time during the marriage physically unfaithful, and I have chosen to believe him. Some may call me foolish or naïve, but I have many reasons for this. He has also insisted that he wants to remain friends, and since he essentially was my best friend for nearly 30 years I would like that as well.
It is hard to do this because while on one hand I feel betrayed, on the other I miss him and understand that he never would have done this unless he felt he had no choice. I know he wrestled with it for many years - looking back I can see the signs now. But family and friends make it hard as well, because they don't understand how I could not want to cut off his various body parts and feed them to the dogs. They do not want to hear his name, and would love it if we could just pretend he didn't exist. They think they are being supportive of me, but in reality they are hurting me by questioning my judgement. And family situations where we all must be present are soooo awkward!
Sorry this is so long! I guess I have a lot to get out :-)

Welcome Julie I am so sorry for what your going thru. Blindsided is blindsided. Although I don't know what feelings your going thru in terms of the gay issue. But all of us that got blindsided not knowing who we were married to rocks you to your core !!

Regaining your sense of sanity after this blow is what we are all on here trying to do.

Julie it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Ask yourself why you are so committed to remaining his friend? It comes down to a letting go issue. Julie honey, you can't remain friends with someone who broke your heart!

He's not your friend. He's not your friend. He's not your friend. Maybe read that over several more times because in my opinion honey, you are deceiving yourself and only prolonging the separation of yourself from being 'half' of something that is not longer whole.

He is or soon will be your ex-husband. Of course being together at family or social functions is awkward. You didn't want your marriage to end, right? He did.

You said it yourself, you saw the signs for years. Your stbx has had years to start the emotional separation process for himself. It's new to you. So you need to take care of yourself to start healing.

I suggest that you stop seeing him. Completely stop seeing him. If up til now you are together to celebrate kids birthdays or special occasions or through mutual friends, then that's how it's been, but it needs to stop for your own well beings. Have a chat with your young adult kids and explain why. They're old enough to get it. They want to see their mom well and on the road to building a new life. They have seen how hard this has been on you. And they've hurt too. But if they see you taking steps to promote your own emotional health, they'll support you and it'll help their healing as well.

Your family is dealing with a lot. But you need to focus on what's best for YOU right now and moving fwd. I hope you have joined a support group of some kind? Keep moving forward honey. It's the only path you can take. hugs of support

I kept some contact with my ex because we were still tied together by this farm I now own. It's nice to find someone who thinks a bit like me. Unlike you I went by the saying keep your friends close and your enemy even closer. That paid off for me in the end. I could have maintained a distant friendship with him but he became the kind of person you don't want for a friend.

You do what you feel is right for you. If the friendship doesn't work you have the strength to make the changes that are right for you.

I chose to forgive and stay friendly with my wasband. However friendly is not the same as friends.

We don't get together for meals and catching up, I don't think that would be healthy for either of us.

When our cat passed, I left him a message saying he was gone and left without pain. My wasband called to say he was sorry and we talked for a little while. It was nice, we shared some memories, showed respect for our pet, support for each other, and left it at that.

I did not allow my family or friends to bash my husband during or after the divorce. I did not make any excuses for his behavior, I just said that his illness killed our relationship, it is/was sad, but I won't dis-respect him and didn't wish to hear it from anyone else. I didn't say they couldn't feel it, or that I didn't feel that way at times, but asked them, kindly, to try to keep a compassionate heart and/or a silent tongue around it. I'm glad I did. Although I've benefitted greatly from mostly lack of contact, my healing has been faster and more complete than if I was dealing with anger being held closely to my heart.

I know my son's journey through our divorce has been healthier for it. He was very angry and protective of me early on, and was ready to cut his father completely out of his life. It wasn't easy, but I told him to please keep the door open, to try to look at all the times his father had been there for him, the many good qualities he has. To keep in mind that although he hadn't been a good husband in a long time, he was a good father and person, deep down, past the reach of his addictions. They're not best buddies now, but they have a relationship, can get together and visit. I know this is best for my son, and someday, his family.

You're doing the right thing by keeping things friendly, your children will not have to choose between you when it's times for weddings or funerals. Your family will adapt to the new normal and be less comfortable when you're both around. That's a good thing. Neither of you will have to miss important milestones that way.

As to being friends, you will know what is appropriate for you. Listen to yourself, it will sort itself out with time and compassion. As I said, I have benefitted from time apart, to heal, to grow my sense of self, but I don't fear seeing him, being around him. I'm comfortable with my decisions and therefore, around him.

Best wishes.