Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I could really use some advice from any of the women on this site who have had success, even moderate success, at dating after divorce. I've done the whole online dating thing now for about 8 months. I've been on dates with 19 different men, some of them more than once. None of them came anywhere close to being a man I'd want to continue to date. In fact, some were so far off the mark that I felt stupid for even being on the date in the first place. At times, I've felt sick to my stomach while on these dates. I've cried all the way home before after kissing someone goodnight. Oddly, I seem to be fairly charming while on these dates, despite my inner turmoil. At least, that's the feedback I'm getting from the men. After each date, I've been asked for future dates and told that they had a great time. Then some of them are never heard from again, which is really more of a relief for me. Others, I've had to gently request that we be friends instead. None have taken me up on that. I've read more books on what men want and how to date after 40 than I care to admit. Sadly, I met and married my ex so young that I never really dated before. Thus, I have no idea what I'm doing.
I know what I want, and I know that I don't need a man. But, I do want a partner, someone who loves me for me. But, this is proving to be such a disheartening endeavor. I'm exhausted with having to weed through messages to find someone who is decent and genuinely interested in me as a person. I'm usually a pretty good judge of character, yet I've been fooled oh so many times. I read a funny article the other day written by a woman going through this same process and she said that if she ends up on a date and secretly wishes that she were at home watching Netflix instead, she knows there won't be another date. Sadly, I've had a lot of those kind of dates. I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, but why am I finding only wart infested toads in the shallow end of the pool?
I've turned off my online profile for now. I really don't like online dating. I much prefer meeting people in person, but it's so hard to do that. I don't want to give up, per se, but I'm tired of getting the same results.
Ladies, what am I doing wrong? I'm seriously considering becoming a nun, which I can tell you won't end well for anyone. I welcome your advice, ideas, suggestions, recipes for magic love potions, etc.
Kim
I know what I want, and I know that I don't need a man. But, I do want a partner, someone who loves me for me. But, this is proving to be such a disheartening endeavor. I'm exhausted with having to weed through messages to find someone who is decent and genuinely interested in me as a person. I'm usually a pretty good judge of character, yet I've been fooled oh so many times. I read a funny article the other day written by a woman going through this same process and she said that if she ends up on a date and secretly wishes that she were at home watching Netflix instead, she knows there won't be another date. Sadly, I've had a lot of those kind of dates. I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, but why am I finding only wart infested toads in the shallow end of the pool?
I've turned off my online profile for now. I really don't like online dating. I much prefer meeting people in person, but it's so hard to do that. I don't want to give up, per se, but I'm tired of getting the same results.
Ladies, what am I doing wrong? I'm seriously considering becoming a nun, which I can tell you won't end well for anyone. I welcome your advice, ideas, suggestions, recipes for magic love potions, etc.
Kim
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
I know that you asked for advice from the woman here , but If I can say a couple things to you (Being your friend ) ???? . If I'm out of place just disregard my reply .
I remember when I was going to the dances and meeting girls. I remember when I (Also) was on those dating sites.
Kim, there are so many crazy's out there as you probably" and it sounds like" you found out.
I Made a lot of friends during those times . Male and female . I heard some scary stories from the woman about dates they had and men that they met. .
Everyone always said ..... You want to meet someone for coffee .............tea somewhere were there are a lot of people. Not necessarily a date ........... More like ..........I'll meet you there and we can talk . This way you're not trapped into staying with him, kissing him and your safer with all the people around .
Now even after the "meeting " you still need to be careful . If you wanted to continue to see him then you should (I believe) still meet him ..............or date (Have you) in public places for a while .
I met so many different women in those first years of "getting out !". This was a time when my life and emotions were turned upside down , so I really never dated anyone. We all met at dances or clubs as a group.
I have met and been with some crazy woman back then . Yes, even a man needs to watch himself , which I never thought that I had to do . I learned different .
Kim.............. You have so much good going on for you..........your so much on the right tract....... School ..teaching .family ......... ..The right person will come along .............. just give it time .
Go with groups out . Meet ups and so forth . Your a nice person. Intelligent. good looking .... You have to meet that right person for you that shares your interest and at your level.
Love will knock on your door when ....it's suppose to .when it's the right time .
Ok................... (You know me !!! Bla-Bla- bla .. LOL
Have a good day .........
Bob. Time man
Misred, you are absolutely right. The men I've met so far are all in very different places. It boggles my mind, in fact. Yes, I do have hobbies that men also enjoy. I'm a professional photographer and I do a lot of outdoor hiking, boating, etc. But, I haven't had much time for that given my school schedule and the enormous amount of time this online dating thing takes up. Perhaps a break from it is just what I need so I can get back out there and enjoy what I like to do.
Thank you both for your words of wisdom.
Kim
I haven't even been on one date, but I'm not quite yet ready. I still have some inner work to do - but I'm getting close.
I'm going to do my best when I do start to keep in mind, it's just a date - it's supposed to be fun and a great way to meet new people. No expectations... aka no disappointments. :) Good Luck and don't give up - relax, enjoy it, flirt, stretch your comfort level a bit. Practice makes perfect ha ha ha ha
But, as you say, practice makes perfect. :)
Thanks for the advice, and I wish you all the best when you get ready to venture out there.
Kim
One piece of advice I got was from Cowgirl Kathi, who told me to read "Date or Soul Mate." I read it and it really helped me understand what I wanted when I dated. I now can walk away from situations that I'm not comfortable with.
Although I am on the dating sites, I am also a person who would just like to meet someone in person. I just continue to do my thing. If it's meant to happen, it will.
Hang in there.
For me, the old school of dating from within a circle of associates provide the important source of references needed to eliminate kissing frogs. My thinking is, Mr. Right who wants the good stuff, shops not on-line but at the high end department stores!
Tobywinn, I LOVED what you said about the high-end department stores vs. shopping online. That's priceless. The problem with beginning to recognize your own worth is that you realize just how many of the men "fishing" on the online dating sites don't measure up. I know that sounds arrogant, and I truly don't mean it to. But, I won't settle for okay or good enough. And, you're so right about meeting people within your circle of associations. I guess I just need to widen mine some more. I think that men who date online are served up a virtual smorgasbord of potential dates and they are always searching for something better. Having been cheated on several times by my ex and replaced, I don't need that dynamic anymore.
Thanks so much for the wonderful advice.
Kim
I think you are doing so well by going out and meeting men for dates. I am so scared to do that and wonder if I will ever be ready. I really do not trust anyone since my husband of 34 years never told me he didn't love me and then told me he should never have married me. I would also like to have a genuine relationship someday but I worry that I would always wonder when the man would tell me he "wants out" like my husband did. I commend you for getting out and taking that chance. I think that you will definitely meet the right person someday as you are beautiful inside and outside. I know in our careers as teachers it is mainly a field filled mainly with women and the few men I work with are married or gay. At my school (of 150 teachers) only a few are divorced and I am the only one who is new to separation. I joined meetup groups to find women friends and that is even hard because people all seem to live far away from me or are just too busy with their own lives and friends.
But I really feel that it will happen for you. You are so young still and actively socializing. By the time you are my age (58 next month) you will probably be married for 10 years :) Take a break but don't give up. You are a winner and deserve one too! I have already posted this quote before that I read on one of divorce healing sites: "Being dumped is ALWAYS an opportunity to upgrade. ALWAYS."
And to KRK: You wrote that "I still have some inner work to do - but I'm getting close." Do you mind explaining and perhaps giving me an example of what you mean by this? I have been told a least a thousand times about "finding oneself" and "knowing who you are" but I really don't understand these words fully. What kind of inner work? And how would you know that you are getting close?
For me, I want to find out why I attracted my lying, serial cheating husband in the first place. Of this, I have come to the conclusion that I did not feel worthy enough. My self esteem has never really been high on my meter and I was hugely co-dependent and felt “happiest” working to make others happy. Ultimately, this was not “happiness” – it was COMFORT, KNOWN, SAFE. I didn’t think I could get any better – BOY WAS I WRONG..
My inner work is to figure out where it started and fix/change that programming because if I don’t, I will just attract that same kind of person and fall back into that comfortable routine of doing doing doing until I once again start feeling resentful. I do not want to live like that anymore. Only I have the power to heal myself – no one else can or needs to be part of that. I never want to give my power away again. I am learning to heal my inner children, love myself unconditionally and to take care of myself.
I want to be comfortable enough in my own body and soul, that even if I did find someone to love – the first dose of love, would always be given to me. I want to be strong, confident and loving enough that if I do give my heart away again, and they left, it wouldn’t destroy me because I loved myself enough not to make them my whole life, but just a part of it.
Oh, and I also want to take pole dancing class. – but I digress.. ha ha ha
In all seriousness, I hope this helps. You know my dear, all the love you gave your ex, was always yours to begin with – it’s your job to take it back and give it to the person that it should have been going right from the get go – YOU.
Kim, Wow! Kudos to you for all that you're doing. I'm still a work in progress, but very much from the same camp. I had no sense of self worth and was (and sadly, still am to a degree) a perpetual people pleaser. I've come a long way toward the goal you're seeking, but there's still so much work for me to do. You're an inspiration to keep me working at it and improving. I think I'll leave the pole dancing to you, though. I somehow doubt my rendition of it would be very pretty. :)
Kim, thanks again for your nice message. I agree that I am doing much better but I have bad days like today. It usually happens on a weekend because I am not busy at work. I get incredibly sad and cry. I feel like I won't be happy without him and fantasize that we get back together again. My therapist said that's normal so I guess I won't worry that I am not moving on enough.
Have a wonderful Easter both of you and your families.
Hugs and much love,
Donna
I once saw a psychic who told me I'll meet my new partner when I'm travelling. Every time I travel, which is often, I wonder if it will be 'this time'. Then I thought about 'travelling'. I could be 'travelling' down town to do my shopping!!!
Who knows when it will happen? Being proactive is good, especially if you're following your gut instincts, so if you want to do internet and join singles groups, that might work.
Being yourself and enjoying life can be very attractive to blokes, so maybe if you just relax and enjoy your own life, let your laughter ring, your tears fall, your joy in life glow. When the time is right, he'll find you.
love and hugs
kamary