The ex is a Narcissist but he never wanted children. He has a daughter with his first wife because he didn't want to go to Vietnam. When I got pregnant he wanted to know what I was going to do about it. He never was a good dad although my daughter is daddy's little girl. He was more a good time dad and all the discipline was left to me. I don't think our daughter hears from her dad. She emails and he might get around to replying. I encourage her to send pictures of the babies. The last time I know she saw her dad was when he came for Thanksgiving about three years ago. She wanted him to see little Zoe.

He doesn't have to fit all the criteria to be a Narcissist. If everyone is telling you he's a Narcissist then he is. Most N's are diagnosed by talking to family. Google Narcissist and children to see what you find. Posting this on the Narcissist group should get you some info.

I will say if he was a good dad he may stay in your children's life.

Honey, hugs to you and the kids. I do not know what to say. My sweet innocent ex is one of those. He lives with his mommy. He sees them occasionally just to show people that he is a good father. And to garner sympathy too. You are still in the very early stages. The bloom will dry off the roses when their true character shines through. They have no respect, trust or morals. They will always be looking over their shoulders and wonder what are they up to. Those emotional roller coasters will come to a stop and when they do, there is a beautiful life awaiting for you.

Our last marriage counsellor told me she thinks my ex has narc tendencies so he doesn't tick all the boxes either. He is definitely a 'street angel, home devil". He goes out of his way to pretend he is nice, funny, loving etc when he's in the public eye, but when he thinks no one is looking, he can be cruel and nasty. He was much like your stbx in that he left all the parenting and house care to me, only contributing very occasionally, mostly absent at work or doing his own thing outside the home. Mostly, he played the fun guy, but when he was upset with them and he thought no one else was around, he could be cruelly critical of them too. My girls tell me he's doing this to them again now.

My ex has used Parental Alienation in an attempt to alienate my girls from me. He told them I had said some awful and untrue things about him. Lucky for me, they're both old enough to think for themselves and we have reconciled. He doesn't see them or contact them very often. He tells my second daughter he's coming to see her and then doesn't turn up. When he eventually turns up days later, he expects her to drop everything for him! Old habits die hard don't they? Yet my kids speak of him fondly and say they love him. Well, who am I to judge? I did the same thing for at least 20 years before I decided enough was enough.

Sadly, IMO, whatever he did before will most likely be what he'll continue to do. Luckily, your two are old enough to choose whether they like seeing him or not. At this stage, they do, and that's all that matters.

When it all boils down, we really just want out kids to be happy, and that's what we need to monitor. Why he is how he is doesn't really matter.

love and hugs
kamary

I think you are thinking to far ahead on this one and wasting your precious time doing so. I predict in the beginning he will be all super dad and trying to win over the affections and favor of the children and then fade away. The kids will eat it up if they are starving for his attention in the first place. I think Kamary said it best...."When it all boils down, we really just want our kids to be happy, and that's what we need to monitor. Why he is how he is doesn't really matter."

Unfortunately, it's so hard to know what he is likely to do because the person you knew him to be and who he is today are two very different people. Ultimately, you can't control what he does or how he chooses to act as a parent. All you can do is love your children, be there for them, and show them what real strength and courage looks like as you take each new day as it comes as gracefully as you can. And, it's okay if you make mistakes along the way. You're only human, and your kids will love you all the more for just being real. Nobody likes a fake, and that's what cheaters become. They recreate themselves into someone they aren't to impress, win affection, whatever. It rarely, if ever, works in the long run.

I hope for the sake of your children that he at least makes an effort. But, if he doesn't, just be the wonderful, supportive, genuine mom you already are. That's what your kids need most.

Hugs to you.

"Most of these stories are that they run off into the sunset and the entire family is screwed?"

I wouldn't say narcissism has much to do with it, it's just the norm. He's starting a new life and that is where his attention will be. If he wants this new woman in his life I'm sure he is aware her children are part of the package so he'll do what improves her impression of him. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the way to woman's heart is through her kids.

You're right about the sunset. Ever notice a sunrise can be just as beautiful? One precedes darkness, the other light. Raising three kids that aren't your own? One not even in school yet? All three will need a car around the same time. I give him two years with her, three tops. It won't be long, he'll get tired of not seeing the sunrise.

Meanwhile, yeah, be prepared for him to abandon his children. It IS what men normally do. I tried to explain the male's psyche and related actions in another topic only to hear yet another woman's perspective on the topic so if you don't 'get it' then I'd suggest reading a couple of books on gender behavior.

His Needs Her Needs, Willard Harley
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray
The Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly

Kelly's book requires a little more thought to dissect the gender behaviors but if the other two are read first it becomes more apparent.

I'm sorry you're facing this dilemma but there really isn't much of anything you can do about it. You have to let it go and not fret about it. I know one woman personally whose ex finally started getting back into their kid's lives, 12 years later. If your ex takes as long there is no sense in you beating yourself up about it over the duration. One month is too long. It's his actions, not yours.

I agree, it is difficult to wrap one's head around contradictions. Contradictions doesn't make sense because they are in complete opposition of two entirely different truths about a person. Yes, you will notice the great irony for example your ex will /might abandon his own blood while over-compensating himself to someone's else's kids. You are learning the art of strategies one compensates and appease over the top for the affair woman. Just so you know, he knows he has foolishly screwed-up the family and now needs to do everything possible to make his new mess WORK! This is a common behavioral defense mechanism on his part. This is not about you. But for you, you can be the family's gate keeper by allowing him access to your children with an open door policy. They are of age. It can work when and after you develop a sense of indifference or apathy....you cease from making comparisons and expectations.