As you said they are adult children and they should be able to tell him what is bothering them. My children barely talk to their father. Their decision, not mine. So you have to keep out of it. It has nothing to do with you. If they want to talk about it fine, but if not, that is ok too. He is making a fool of himself. Just sit back and watch the comedy.

My X is still adamantly telling the children that OW is just a friend. Do you move from VA to MS, leaving everything and everyone you've known for 25+ years for someone who is just a friend??

Anyway, your X is only thinking of himself. In my case if he does comprehend that he is making his boys uncomfortable he just doesn't care, as long as he is happy.

Within a month of my stbx,s affair coming to light and my leaving he wanted to bring the jezabel to meet my 4 yr old grandsons and also wanted to bring her when hesaw them Christmas. She told him she is not welcome. He wanted to tell my other 2 girls about her but they told him they were not interested .

The girls dont speak to him a lot. He texts them once in a while too see how the grandkids are. The stbx has no clue how it hurts the girls. He is only thinking of himself.

Thank you - you told me what I already knew. I just needed to hear it. I know how much he hurts them & I want to save them from it, but as you all said, they are adults.

After D day (discovery of my EX cheating) I understandably had trust issues. He had lots of women friends that I knew about so during our marriage counseling I said that had to stop. There were some that I knew there was nothing going on, but the other relationships were not to continue. He agreed and just kept doing what he wanted thinking I wouldn't find out. After finding evidence that I printed out and put under his nose, he was pissed because I invaded his privacy. Really? If I didn't show proof he would have denied it to his grave and told everyone I was nuts and didn't trust him. I think they need all this attention in order to feel good about themselves. I know my D prefers to see him without him having a date, but I don't manage their relationship. If he can't figure it out on his own then too bad.

"If I meet someone, I would wait a year to see where things go, before introducing the person to my kids or my family. It's out of respect for them more than anything"

--- shows that you have respect for your children, shows that you have class, therfore you won't be able to fathom your STBX he has neither

if your kids won't speak up, and they are old enough to be able to do so, let it go, regardless of thier age they must be hurting may be worse than you,over your STBX he will always have the label of father for your kids even if he doesn't deserve it

take care

Misred good for you for finding evidence. I found some myself & it first tore my heart out, then I got stronger and told him off the same day. I felt so empowered.

Attention is what he always needed and I'm sure as he gets older, it will just get worse. One kid doesn't give a crap & the other one is very angry but struggles to address all of it to him. I suggested an email multiple times, but it will have to happen when they are ready.

My ex also left for another woman. Six weeks later he brought her to family functions I was told I was not welcome to attend and he did not introduce her to the kids, just tired to slide her in there and acted like he really did not know her that well even though the kids saw her get out of his truck. It has been downhill since then with my oldest daughter. The two youngest kids will tolerate her at family functions since they want to see the cousins. My oldest has completely refused to have anything to do with her dad when he is with her. Unfortunately for him he does not get it thru his thick skull and tried to force this issue over the holidays. Daughter refused to see him and he refused to come see her at his brothers house (next door to his house) even though it had been a year since they have seen each other. That was December 30th. They have had no contact since.

These type of men/women just do not get it. Doubt they ever will. They seem willing to lose their kids just like they did their spouses. Their loss.

Mine had many women. I knew he had cheated in the past and he learned to hide it well. Like Misred, I had to get the proof and put it under his nose. The son in the Philippines wasn't his. She was lying. It took three months to get that birth certificate and his name was all over it and the little boy was given a family. He has yet to acknowledge his son and that birth certificate was used in court twice. The most he said was there were a lot of Americans working that job and the boy might have been his. Yes they do get worse as they age. The is definitely a Narcissist. The last time I know he saw our daughter was a year ago this past Thanksgiving. He asked to come to our Thanksgiving at the farm so he could see our little granddaughter for the first time. She was two. He's only seen a few pictures of the 6 month old grandson. They live in Atlanta and he's in Chattanooga.

Well, my daughter almost exploded and asked to speak to her father when the 3 week girlfriend went to the bathroom. They were outside of the place they were eating for over 30 minutes. She said everything that she needed to say - I know that he was not expecting that. He had selective amnesia (no surprise there). I give her credit for being mature and airing out all of the pain he caused her. Glad that she was smart enough not to say anything in front of the woman.
I wonder how long it will take this one to run for the hills.

It sounds to me as though he can't face the kids on his own. Good on your daughter for taking him outside and letting him have it.

IMO, you're right to stay out of it. Once you're divorced, you have separate lives. IMO, unless your kids ask you what to do, it's better to keep mum. My kids sometimes mention things but unless they actually ask my opinion, I just let them know I've heard and am empathetic.

love and hugs
kamary

You: Expecting your narcissistic stbx to have respect for the children [or anyone for that matter] is ridicules and absurd. The state of anticipation is generally reserved for those who are wired mentally healthy.

Your adult children's astute observance that "daddy is a rolling stone" with his numerous revolving women is enough to confirm his incongruent behavior. That is, his inability to have committed meaningful relationships is quite easy to decipher and speaks for itself.

I had the same situation but my kids were younger when he left. He moved to Canada to be with OW and their new baby and left my kids behind. When he does come in to visit, he always has her and the baby with him. It's hard to see my kids go through that, but it's their relationship with their dad (or lack of relationship). It's sad. No matter how old or young, I think it affects them.

Glad your daughter stood up to him. It's a necessary evil.

Toby is right. Don't expect your ass of an ex to behave like an emotionally healthy person when he clearly isn't one!

Of course it hurts us when our adult children are exposed/tolerate the actions of their dad's messed up ego/lack of empathy for others. But ultimately, they either choose to put up with it or...they don't! Our adult kids are beyond our 'protective' mothering instincts at this point.

Their dad either respects them or he doesn't. And it's doubtful that he's going to change now! All you can do it love and support your kids when they 'unburdon' by telling you of their pain. But don't in anyway try to 'fix' it. Because you can't! Only they can.

Very true - thanks everyone!! So proud of my daughter!