Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

506 Members

7,364 Posts

0 Online

lostwh 07/18/2015

I havent posted anything in a long time,although I do check in and read the topics and discussions from time to time. I guess I haven't posted anything because I felt bad for not taking the advice from this group. I made the mistake of trying to get back together with my ex wife and as alot you wisely told me, it didnt work out. There was no trust or any feelings that even resembled love at all. I guess I was too bitter about her cheating for it to actually have worked. It would have been great for the sake of the kids, i do miss the family all getting together. I am in a financial nightmare from everything, i was stuck with all my sons college bills that his scholarship and grants didn'tg take care of and while playing baseball he broke his colar bone in five places and required surgery and physical therapy, all of which my ex promised to pay her part of but i haven't seen a penny. I talked to an attorney and it looks like I will have to file bankruptcy. I never dreamed I would have to do that, but with the never ending bills and no help I have no choice. I will be able to keep my house which is a good thing. If things weren't bad enough my sister had surgery for ovarian cancer and found out it has spread to her colon and pacreas and aorta. the doctors have given her six months to five years to live depending on how well the treatments work. I guess things have got to get better because I feel like Im at rock bottom. Sorry to bother you all with my problems, I just wanted to let you know there's alot of good advice in this group and I wish I would have listened to it! I think that after you've been betrayed by the person you were closest too, you are so hurt and confused that making any decision without advice from someone that has been through it is very dangerous.

1Timeforhim 07/18/2015

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I will pray for your sister as well. I know you regret trying at your marriage but you can tell yourself you did all you could !!! That's a good thing. I hope you come back to the website more often for support. Its the only place that understands me. For that I am grateful.

I will take your advice on sticking to the advice of people that have been there.

Hugs to you today.

refurb 07/18/2015

hello lostwh,

what are you apologizing for,
being a heartsick husband and father?
i'd say that counts a lot towards being a good guy

it is sad to hear about your sister and you financial predicament
better to put that out here rather than keep it all bottled up

one thing that would be worth apologizing for would be if you don't post from time to time
-just to get it
-to see the perspective that people offer

don't be a stranger and don't be alone with the weight that you carry

CowgirlKathi 07/18/2015

Lost, it HAS been a very long time since we have heard from you.

Don't beat yourself up for TRYING to make things work. I'm sorry that it didn't and that you now find yourself in such a financial pickle. Keep your faith in yourself and in your Higher Power. The Universe tends to take care of us when we feel the most hopeless and down.

I will keep you, your sister, and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Know that all of us here are STILL here for you, no matter what! xoxox

Atpeacemary 07/18/2015

Lost, hugs. You did what you thought could keep the family together. But it did not work out. You are not the first and not the last too. A lot of us try and try until we cannot do it anymore. I am praying for your sister, hope that she is able to beat the cancer. Money problems are the easiest thing to fix, it is the emotional turmoil that is so hard to bear. File if you must. Just look after yourself.

kamary 07/18/2015

Lost, I'm glad you decided to talk to us. I admire you for trying to make your marriage work. I'm sure your kids appreciate that you tried. Sadly, it seems your ex doesn't. I know that I tried again and again and again for the last twenty years of my marriage, but one day I realised it just wasn't going to work. Be proud that you tried. Realise that we can't change other people but we can change ourselves.

I'm sorry you find yourself in severe financial trouble and I hope you can get your head above water again through filing bankruptcy. It worked for my sister years ago, but it certainly limits you for a long time.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I know the shock of that. My mother died quickly from brain tumours in 2012 and my little sister was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2013:( Big hugs, mate.

Keep talking to us here. We're all here to support each other.

love and hugs
kamary

lostwh 07/19/2015

Thanks everyone, I regret wasting more time trying to work things out with my ex, but after trying and putting up with the lies and being used again, I feel like it helped bring closure and relief that I don't have to put up with that anymore. As far as my finances I know eventually I will be fine, I just feel guilty walking away from my bills by filing Bankruptcy. I am worried about my sister but I know that their isn't much I can do other than pray.

sciteacher 07/19/2015

Sorry about your sister and your troubles. Glad that you are working on closure and looking to the future. Keep it up and don't regret trying to work it out with your wife. I would have done the same if given the opportunity. At least you can say you did all you could and not regret it later. Have a good week.
Hugs,
Donna

CowgirlKathi 07/19/2015

Filing for bankruptcy is NOT shirking responsibility. Circumstances too often put people in a position where it would be near impossible to keep financial obligations they made years earlier. While I have been fortunate in that my financial status really didn't change that much post-divorce, a lot of good folks here on DS chose to file for bankruptcy in order to get a fresh start. If that's what you have to do, just do it and then get on with the rest of your life.

You know all of our thoughts and prayers are with you -- as with all DS members, newbies and old-timers. Talk to us anytime -- we are HERE FOR YOU!

MNMama 07/20/2015

So sorry about your sister. Hoping you find peace from knowing you tried all you could to make your marriage work. I know that helps me. It didn't fix it, but I tried. Good luck with the bankruptcy. I hope you can come to see it as a fresh start, not an end.

neverceases 07/22/2015

sorry lostwh. That's a lot you have to deal with right now.

I spent three years with the ex after dday and like you I just couldn't stay after the trust was gone. Sometimes I get real down on myself for wasting three more years of my life with him but that three years told me without a doubt that there was nothing left to save. I won't have any moments thinking "I didn't get closure." I got plenty of that and then some!

I hope things get better for you but we're all here to listen when you need us.

ilostitinthedivorce.com

Misred 07/23/2015

Oh goodness, I am sorry your attempts to reconcile did not go the way you hope. There is nothing wrong about trying to do all you can to save your marriage. It does sound like you have had a lot of stress while you were gone. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. I pray for her to have healing and strength.

Infidelity is difficult to overcome. It really does a number on you. I pray for you to have peace.

startingover2011 07/23/2015

HUGS to you, lost.

You tried your best, so hold your head high. I agree with Misred...infidelity IS difficult to overcome. Once the trust is gone, there's little left.

Never apologize for coming here. That's what we're here for. :)

dairytech 07/23/2015

Many of us understand what your feeling. Sometimes it seems life just isnt fair. I am so sorry your going though this and my heart goes out to you about your sister...Hugs.

I am one of the few who went for that 2nd chance...long story short...I am divorced twice to the same man...both were not my choice...so I get your reasons for trying. You can not fault yourself for trying...it says a lot about who you are...that is a good thing.

Declaring bankruptcy is not a shameful thing...in fact...when in a situation like yours...its a wise business decision. I have a friend who just went through that...he is well on his way to building his credit back up...its not a crime...its a 2nd chance. So...head up and take the steps necessary to clear the way for a better life.

I'm not sure where you are at legally with divorce...maybe its time to see a lawyer and have a financial agreement drawn up...Big Hugs...Kathy

KRKing911 07/23/2015

Lost, you tried - many of us have and would have if given the opportunity. Live and learn. You can't be hard on yourself because of that!!!

I filed bankruptcy while going through the divorce. I had to - couldn't afford to stay in the house with my girls if I didn't and I couldn't disrupt their lives any more than was already happening by moving at the same time. I'm glad I did! Like everyone says, it's not a crime - it's a 2nd chance. Sure you never thought you'd be there, but you are and guess what? Your forgiven! Now all you have to do is forgive yourself.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your sister. Please try to be there for her as much as you can even though your going through your own stuff - Please take care of yourself xxoo

lostwh 07/24/2015

dairytech....The divorce has been final for a year and 8 months, so everything has already been worked out financially. Thanks again to everyone for the advice and support.

Join the Conversation

Posts You May Be Interested In

Happy National Underwear Day - Aug 5th

Posted by: MelT2020

Last Reply: JazzyLady 08/05/2026

2
Mild Shock Coming Back to Car

Posted by: Tired

Last Reply: billwfriend 07/18/2026

2

I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...

Happy National Underwear Day - Aug 5th

Mild Shock Coming Back to Car