Hm. I wanted a relationship that was committed and healthy. In my situation, I was married to a narcissist. We had some control issues (understatement) and pretty unilateral decisions made on my exes part ....
I'd requested joint counseling - after a first affair about ten year prior. That didn't materialize and things would seem better and then not at all throughout the next 10 years - but I was busy being the major parent raising kids, building a career, and holding it together. More disengagement, etc. I did request counseling again - leap ahead 10 years. To the point where, with the job move out here (and some counseling) I had suggested that for us to be healthy -- we needed to be in counseling prior to both living under the same roof again (Ex was still in another state selling house). Mine (unknown to me at the time) lost/quit the job, started an immediate affair within a month after the job transfer and moved here seven months later trying to keep both going - until all came tumbling out.

In some respects, I didn't want the divorce -- I wanted a healthy marriage (wanted counseling to get us there). In other respects, I wanted it if it wasn't committed, honest, and mutual. It was a good thing. It took my blinders off. I didn't pursue anyone -- and who knows about the ex i there are regrets. Given the pattern of my marriage, I'd be the last to know!

There is a member on here, TheRule, who I believe stepped out of his marriage for an OW. He admits what a mistake it was and is working hard now to repair the damage and strengthen his bond with his wife. I don't think he posts on this board often, but I have seen him over on Breakups & Divorce and Infidelity. He has some very wise words!

You might get more of a response on the regular BU/D board. I think most here have been on the side of the 'left behind spouse.'

Well, it was just a thought. Maybe, we are the ones who recognize our need to heal. I sure get a lot out of this website and thanks to people here I finally contacted a divorce care group. I think one starts in September.

When after 20 years + of marriage, the selfish "users" loses their marbles. Fear of MLC kicks in and the trouble starts by pursuing the supposedly greener grass . The problem is they too are wearing those rose tinted glasses thinking they're "missing out" only to find bigger piles of crap. And let's not forget the extra added touch of shame from "down grading" is not a boost to one's ego. Realizing they made a mistake, the stupid sap has burned their bridge of marriage, they've got no choice but to put up an image front and cry like a baby.

Where I'm from, winners do not discard their diamonds searching for stones. Winners know value.

Wow tobywinn. I hadn't thought of it that way. We have all been told that our ex was lucky to be with us. Downgrading is the word people have used to me about my ex.

I didn't want a divorce, but I gave him all my understanding and love and took him back many times. But over six years of taking him back and him leaving over and over again my thoughts began to be more about my well-being, my future, the depression, always feeling inadequate the only thought I could come up with was divorce.
I also felt like I was being compared to "OW", and her hold was too strong to let him go, so I had to let him go. I also came to think that he wouldn't let me go, afraid I would be ok without him and he wouldn't be able to come "home", and I would be waiting. All this has left me in a place where I don't want to be, but I have a strong family, especially my children who are always here for me, and I'm able to be there for them. I feel sorry for stbx because he gave all this up for OW.I'm not sure if I answered your question, but sometimes good or bad we have to go on with our own lives, it's hard for me right now but I'm going to be strong and make it.

There are other subgroups like Cheaters Anonymous, Rebuilding Marriage after an affair to name a couple. You may find some info lurking there. I got to warn you that there can be triggers reading all that stuff.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/outofthefog

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheaters-and-betrayeds-helping-each-other

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/understanding-betrayal

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous

Sorry I don't know why the links didn't post right. Well the cheaters anonymous does, but the others I don't know why. I went to each page and copied the address. They all have recent activity on them so I know they are not dead boards. They are member created groups

out of the fog is a good one
cheaters and betrayeds helping each other
understanding betrayal

I didnt go searching for greener pastures and then realized I made a mistake...but my ex did. During our first divorce he kept telling me...I love you but I'm not in love with you...your like a comfortable old warm coat and you dont light my fire from the inside...If only you had a different job...why cant you dye your hair blonde and use nail polish...you need to be more of a women so I can be proud walking with your arm in mine...etc. He left me for a women he had an emotional affair with...this was the second affair. It took about 11/2 years before I started to hear...I do love you...you are my best friend...I wasnt really in love with her it was just an infatuation...I was confused...I was a fool to leave...etc. I took him back. Here I am 4 years later...back where I was in the beginning. I heard all the same speeches I heard during the first divorce....blah blah blah!

I truly believe everyone deserves a second chance. Once is a mistake...twice is on purpose. When we got back together we didnt get counseling...he didnt feel he needed it. That was a big mistake. Now in hindsight...it probably wouldnt have made a difference. Surviving an affair is pretty tough even with help. I believe it can be done but I think its rare without compromising your soul for the sake of the marriage. I also believe if our spouse cheated more than once...that also makes a difference. This also includes emotional affairs. For some reason my ex didnt think emotional affairs were bad. For me...now looking back...the damage to my heart went deeper than I realized during the first divorce...trust was broken. I believe trust is the building block to any relationship...our basic foundation had a huge crack in it. When he did it again...our second divorce tumbled the building. I still love that man and I always will...I just have to put that love on a shelf somewhere in my heart and move forward in my life. I lived before him...I will live after him. We will all survive and live well...Big Hugs...Kathy

I glanced at them but I don't want to go there. It is time to move on and I just can't put my energy into that kind of forum. It seems way too depressing for everyone involved. To each his own.

Yes drtexdi, I can only lurk there in small doses, but I did make some friends on a couple of those boards who WERE (not anymore) cheaters and that gave me hope while I was trying to save my marriage. There are some who changed and I was grateful to get to see things from their perspective because I was blinded by my own pain at the time and the EX and I couldn't communicate in a healthy productive manner.

September 01, 2010 made 20 years of marriage i plan on leave in the summer of 2011 but wife is making it nearly impossible for me to stay. My daughter finish high school 2011 then I'm out

I have learned that I will never truly understand betrayal. It seems so cowardly, and it hurts so many.