I did mediation and was able to do the settlement this way without litigation. Just make sure you are aware of everything you need and have full financial disclosure. The forensic accountant is necessary. Make sure you have your budget set and documented so you can show what you need. The more prepared you are the better it will go. Don't forget about health care expenses, pensions, splitting all assets and debt.
Once we had the agreement drafted after mediation I had it altered 3 times. I was not signing until I felt I was protected. Don't let them rush you into anything. Take your time and think things through. It is your future. I took my brother in to mediation with me for support and to have someone less emotional listening.
Good Luck!

Thanks for sharing your mediation experience, be. Didn't you have your attorney with you?

Yes, I had my attorney and so did he. Then we had a separate mediator going in between us. Honestly my attorney was not very helpful and I am so glad I was prepared. Read the book "Surviving Separation and Divorce- a women's guide" By Loriann Hoff Oberlin. It really helped me, especially the financial chapter.

That's the way we're going to do it, too. Although, my H has not officially agreed to this. Waiting to hear. Since I have basically run out of money, my attorney has asked that H pay for the cost of this.

I have no advice, but I think it's great your attorney is asking your STBX to foot the bill.

Yes, I felt the same way, mis. Was impressed and relieved, as my funds are dwindling fast. However, she's requested a number of things from him. He just totally ignores her. Doesn't even respond. Don't mean to be depressing but I doubt he'll even think twice about it. I keep thinking there is some arm twisting or forcing into doing some things, backing him into a corner, some strategy, something. So far, I have been disappointed. Hopefully, that will change.

The cost of mediation is normally split 50/50. I hope you are able to get your stbx to foot the entire bill.

The big thing about mediation is that BOTH parties have to be willing to compromise. There also needs to be some trust AND a full financial disclosure on both sides.

In some states, the court will ORDER mediation as a last-ditch effort to keep the financial decisions out of court. In that case, the Mediator is paid for by the court, but each party is responsible for his/her own legal representation being present. It is not always necessary for the attorneys to be present. In my case (court-ordered mediation) I believe we would have been able to reach a settlement had the now-X's attorney NOT been there! She was such a vindictive and unreasonable bitch, the Mediator got up and walked out! No kidding!

Bemine - What did you mean when you said that the forensic accountant is necessary for the mediation?
Sure wish I could have afforded one. I couldn't. Unfortunately, we have to go with what H has revealed.

Both attorneys recommended it for us. It shows any hidden assets. As well the accountant presented a few scenarios of different payment options for us to work with. We split the cost. If you don't have one make sure you have a starting number of what you need and GO HIGHER! You want them to have some room to come down. That way the feel like they are in control ;)
My ex paid for half my attorneys fees and the whole mediation. If you don't ask you won't get! It's always worth a try...

Good advice all. Thank you.

As hard as i'm trying to mentally prepare for the mediation on Tues., I cannot see how it is going to go well.
My H has me over a barrel big time with my funds running very low. My attorney, like all of them so far, talks a good game but never really gets anything we want or need. They seem powerless. I feel so helpless now and yet, I feel like I've done nothing wrong. I've made the best decisions I could all year long. Hate this. I know that it's going to come down to me caving or we go to litigation. It's going to be my choice. I've said over and over and over again, no litigation. So, I will be forced to cave, unless there's something I haven't thought of. I have begged by attorney for ways to make HIM cave. She can't come up with anything. Sigh.

I'm starting to feel like divorce discriminates against women. Does anyone agree?

I felt that I had to fight for everything and that he was controlling the pace. But those feelings are from the years that we were married to them. I never knew how afraid and controlled I was until I left him. But in the end they will lose. What you are feeling is normal. Just sit back and smile. He will implode. All their shenangians will gain them nothing but the wrath of the law. Hugs

I know exactly what you mean, knuckle, about not knowing how afraid or controlled you were. I feel the same. My daughter were talking about this very thing the other night. I feel so much anxiety toward spending and money now and I attribute all of that to him and the anxiety he created. My daughter experiences the same. I believe I am going to have to work through that anxiety with a psychologist because it is so much a part of my thinking. It's awful. I don't want to feel this way. He controlled us with money. A great example of financial abuse.

Divorce actually grants you the "freedom" from being forever bonded. Yes, Irreconcilable differences is based on no-fault in some states [even if there is truly a fault], it is of no concern. Their objective serves as a protection by setting you free. The tools of 50/50 or equitable division, pre-nuptials agreements, alimony and child support exists to serve for SOME protection for the disadvantaged.

I agree. It's the financial dependency issue mostly that hurts women. Maybe as a whole, we do need to refine our initial ideas and understanding before we marry into the business of marriage. As with any business, there are inherent risks built in. Allowing ourselves to be unprotected by becoming dependent and /or co mingle financial funds HAS GOT TO CHANGE for our future daughters and sisters.

I agree tobyw. I chose to quit my career and become a full-time mom. I wanted to be at home with her and we could afford for me to do that. When we discovered all of her special needs, I continued to stay at home and coordinate all the testing, doctor's appointment, therapist appointments, meds, problems with meds, changing of the meds, etc. It is a full-time job and I chose it over my career but she came first. I don't regret that. However, it sure would be helpful if all of time and effort spent raising her and managing her needs was worth anything. Sadly - very sadly - it isn't worth a dime. Zip. So, now I struggle.

I have been encouraging my daughter to develop financial independence from her dad as soon as feasibly possible. She's listening and now, watching me struggle so, nothing could be a better example of WHY you need your own money and your own financial knowledge. You never know what might happen in the future. The unexpected does occur!