I did not have to do mediation so I can't say for sure, but I understand that the mediator can not tell you to DO anything. Her job is to listen to the two of you and help you reach an agreement. Your lawyer is there to help YOU and to protect your rights so you dont get screwed. I think both parties sit in the same room and talk about how they want to divide the property and you can agree or disagree. Good luck

When I went to mediation I was in one room and my husband in the other. Each attorney was with their client. At that time I was going solo since I had just fired mine so my husband had his. Basically what the mediator did was go back and forth about what to settle on.(From one spouse and attorney to other spouse and attorney) they most likely will not have you all together. We only had one marital asset and how that was to be divided and what child support and alimony would be. Do not be nervous at all. I will tell you this, it is costly. You are not only paying for each attorney but for the mediator also. It is ordered in my county to try to mediate first. We were asked to pay for the mediator after the mediation was complete. In my case I stopped the last mediation after an hour and a quarter because I could see we were not going to get anywhere. My advice to you would be have everything you want from this divorce written down. Even if your attorney has it you have it also. I was told by the attorney I ended up firing that I could not put anything in the documents about college. In my final document there is college in there. You can ask for what ever you want. Whether you get it or not will be another story. You just have to be reasonable. I was more than fair but I have yet to see a penny. I truly don't want you to worry though, it is not like going to trial or being in front of a judge. Be efficient so you use your time wisely. If you see it is going nowhere then stop it after a certain amount of time you deem reasonable. If you can come to an agreement at mediation it is much better than fighting out between attorneys back and forth and then going to trial. It becomes a game and think about it, the money wasted paying for attorneys could be going to pay for something really needed. I so wish I had the thousands back I had to pay just to have a dollar amount put for child support that I most likely will never see. I should have just left it at zero and had the attorneys fees to live on for a few months.
I hope I was helpful. You can ask anymore questions you would like. I went three times!!

Thanks guys. ANY feedback is helpful. If he tells me one more time I did not contribute to the marriage, I'm going to choke him. Maybe THAT is why I need my lawyer there. ha

One of the reasons an attorney sets up mediation is to save you money, it is is way to put things on the table and resolve them, issue by issue, with a trained mediator(s). Most mediation is with a trained mediator, and often 2 of them, one for you each, and they can not testify or be involved if you do go to trial, they are neutral. If you come to an agreement, or a partial agreement the agreement goes to your attorneys and they use this to write up a settlement offer. If you do not reach an agreement, they only report to the court a yes or no was reached, no details to the judge. At about $400 to 500, it is cheaper without the attorneys.

We did it on our own, not court ordered but right before I hired my lawyer. I am a trained and certified facilitator, and even I studied up on mediation as in divorce to get ready for this. It is all suppose to be about the business side of the marriage, dividing the marriage assets, not about emotional stuff..I heard it was all his money a few times and the mediator stopped him. I used it as a way to see his "cards". We spent over 5 hours doing this in one shot, and I know from my training after about 2 hours this is considerd non productive. I did not think much of the people we had. At the end of 5 hours, I said how about we write down what we do agree on even if we do not agree nor can you report to the court we settled. They would not have done that if I had not suggested it.. As this is a mediation center used by the court and funded with United Way and grant money, I got the impression they were about their positive numbers and not our situtation. I also could not pick the mediators or see their credientals, and this was probably the biggest deal I would ever negotiate, my life and financial future and I told them that I was not happy about that. I came prepared, I had the investment stuff, the car values, stuff like that. We agreed on the some small stuff, he started changing it by cell phone practically on the way back to his apartment..

In the divorce after we had lawyers we had a "settlement" meeting. This is similar to sunshine, but this was only about settling on the price of the house and how much I would pay to buy him out. We met at his lawyers, my lawyer and I stayed in one room and he and his in another. This is after we had a court ordered appraisal of the homestead to work with. I never saw him, nor him me.

I got what I wanted in a fair settlement. I always kept the emotion out of it. This is business, and like I said it is about your future and the rest of your life. We had only the house and the maintenance. He was not so unemotional through this.. I kept that emotion for therapy and good friends.. study up on mediation and the styles of it. I threatened to walk a few times, I would not put up with any below the belt remarks or yelling from him, or lost memory remarks like, I had half the 401k money before I met you..yeah right, you had no car and you worked for me and then just started with major phone carrier and my dad said sign up for that 401k.. that is free money in a match.. How they forget! Good luck!

I've never done mediation in a divorce but I have done it in contract negotiations. The mediator tries to bring the two sides together to reach a compromise. That is the only reason the mediator is there.

You are right to worry that the mediator will try to "talk some sense" into you, as you put it. In my contract negotiation, one thing we were warned of was to stand firm on issues we felt really strongly about, that the mediator would look for any "crack in the lining" so to speak. If you're perceived as the one who might give more, then that could happen.

Bear in mind that I'm talking about a labor negotiation, not a divorce negotiation, so perhaps those mediators are different.

Good luck.

Shorty, I was just thinking over things that have happened in the past year. Is there anyway you and your spouse can come up with much of a settlement agreement between the two of you and then maybe fine tweaking it through mediation or attorneys? The best scenario would be to be able to agree on as much as you can prior to mediation or meeting with your attorneys. Like Msterey said, keep emotion out of it. It is such a business deal. Unfortunately when looking at a life you do not want to think of it that way but it is true. I am very emotional so even though I knew it was a business deal I was still stupid with emotion. Don't be. I have to go to court the first time post divorce as I did not have to prior to or to get divorced and I am so afraid because of my emotions. I need to remember the business aspect. That is the best advice anyone can give you. Great job MsTerey. How easy it is to forget. Don't be stupid like me to know it and still show it. Be smart about this, you will be so much happier and have not wasted thousands of dollars in the end if you two can just be reasonable.

I don't see any chance in the world we'll come to an agreement. He offered me the car and to move me 1200 miles away. AND the car--he will continue to make payments on it until it's paid for--I pay the insurance and license. He has not budged on this in 4 months. His income is 12x what mine is and it's never been joint. I don't see the mediation being any help unless I just give in and let him have his way.
Thanks again guys--it sure helps to not feel along thought his.

In a community property state, his POV would NEVER work before a judge! If you can't get a better deal in mediation, surely you'll get a better deal in court!!

Sorry for your pain,
L

What a joke. He showed up with his brother and sister in law. (used the excuse they might have to help him pay for it--what a crock) After an hour the sil and mediator convinced him to pay for the car in full (instead of making payments). That was the extent of what he would agree to (after he hired the mediator). After 5 1/2 hours my attorney gave them our final offer. If they don't agree to it by 5:00 p.m. tomorrow night, we go to court. I told the att. I would rather go to court and get NOTHING than to give up and let him have his way. Plus the mediator and my attorney found a ton of untruths in his interrogatories. I'm SURE he just forgot the true answers.

Sounds like you may fare better in court before a judge. I'm sorry you had to waste your time (and money on your attorney) to deal with his bullshit.

Stay strong. Good luck in court. Hugs!

Sounds like you stood your ground. Good for you! Court may be your best option. I know you will atleast get more than a car in the deal. What a JACKASS! I will be thinking of you.

I think you'll do better in court too. Put it before the judge. Have the ow called in to give a deposition. Stbx too. Find out how much money was spent on her. He will lie so you have to have the credit card bills. Where did they go to dinner or vacations? In my state you're supposed to get half of that money back. Good luck.