My advise would be...stop it! I did exactly the same thing with my ex during our first divorce. He would call me at all hours of the day. I would listen to him for hours at times. I loved him and I would take any crumb he threw my way. It was a very painful time for me. After 2 years we got back together again...it lasted for 3 years. With this divorce I have no contact. I want nothing to do with him. He had 24 years of my life...he cant have even 1 second more. In hind sight I would have saved myself a lot of grief had I been strong enough to let him go and have no contact. I understand what your going through and I know how much it hurts...Big Hugs...Kathy

I did the same thing. After I filed for divorce. He took a job in the states and would call me from a Texas Wal Mart asking where the spaghetti sauce could be found. He had been overseas for 10 years and some info he needed. But not where to find spaghetti sauce in a Texas Wal Mart.

I was done and knew I wouldn't ever go back and I also knew he would stay with the new wife. This chapter in our lives was closed and he had moved onto a younger more educated model. Someone who would get him the attention he craved.

I finally had to go no contact because he was taking advantage of my good will. I will help anyone but I won't be used. He's a very unhappy sick man and I don't want any contact with him other than the mortgage on this farm.

You need to go no contact. It will be hard at first but will get easier with time.

My therapist told me this, very early on in my 18 Months of Hell: "The minute he walked out the door, he gave up any and all rights to be privy to your thoughts, feelings, knowledge and opinions." She drilled that into my head so that I would KNOW to give him an audience of any kind. It was difficult at first, but the longer I stayed in NO CONTACT, the better I felt.
I'm sure there are lots of people out there who have somehow maintained a "friendly" relationship with an X, but I believe those cases are few and far between. Besides, given a circumstance when you have been dumped for another woman, who in their right mind would WANT to give "counsel" to the lovelorn when it goes sour? NOT THIS COWGIRL!
Now, 5 years post Devastation Day and 3-1/2 years post final Divorce, the X is one lonely, rapidly aging man. The OW got tired of him and dumped him. Nobody decent will have anything to do with him knowing what he did to me and how he did it. He's all over town lamenting his woes "I should have stayed married to Kathi." Well, you know what? Too bad. So sad. I gave him EXACTLY what he THOUGHT he wanted -- away from me, away from this place and out of the marriage. It cost him dearly, as I promised him it would.
Should he come crying to me now, I would look straight through him and say, "Excuse me, sir, but I don't think I know you." Nothing more.
NO CONTACT is the key. It may be necessary to erect a PERMANENT BOUNDARY in order to keep your sanity and preserve the emotional well being you have begun to enjoy in your new life. That's what I had to do and it's the very best thing for me. Thirty years is a long time -- I lived with this manipulative, charming character for more than half my life -- therefore, I am still vulnerable. NO CONTACT FOR ME!

There were too many times in the marriage that I gave in and let all of her apologizing and crying get to me. I would keep trying to work on what was a disease. Yet all it did is prolong the agony. Oh, the things that I could have done.

NO CONTACT is the best advice. The more contact, the more the open wound is cut open even more. The more that you bleed and do not heal.

Best of luck.

OH MY GOSH! Thank you for posting this. I think in all these posts are a message for me that I need to rein myself in these days. I too respond to qestions and requests for help....I'm treading dangerous territory here and I don't want to loose my footing and slide back into the hole I've been clawing my way out of. Thanks again you guys.

For drtexdi, it's not to late for you to go no contact and excape to paradise. It will take some time to get over him again but you can do it. Consider this a big lesson learned. (((HUGS))) It's not your fault he took advantage of you.

My story has been going on for six years. I took stbx back many times to have him keep going back to same OW. It seemed like every winter he saw the light, that he really loved me and wanted to be with his family, then come spring and summer left me for OW. He destroyed his relationship with his children who are 42, 29, 27. Even though they told me each time they would support my decision to take him back the relationship with him was never the same. My children have always been there for me. The first time stbx left I crashed, I had to go to mental health facility. I got medication and I at least stopped crying so much. Every time he left I kept crashing over and over again. The last time he tried to come back I told him NO. Divorce is in process. I still cry and have all those feelings but now I mostly feel lonely, afraid and lost and lots of anexiety. I'm still on medication, which was increased, so my down moments aren't as bad. My children fill my life with love and support. They know they can't take away what I'm going thru but always remind me they are there for me.

Here is something I got from here a few years ago, I read it all the time to remind me to walk safely.
Chapter 1
I walk down the street
There is a big hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost... I am helpless...
It isn't my fault
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in, again
I can't believe I am in the same place
But, it isn't my fault
It takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fell in, again
I can't believe I am in the same place
But, it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it!!

Chapter 5
I walk down another street!!

I know how easy it is to keep falling in that same hole, but I try to remember how long it takes me each time to get out of it and I don't want to be there.

For the last 2.5 years, I have allowed stbx to enter into my world and listen to all his crap. When I finally - and I mean finally - (I am a slow learner) went no contact, the last two weeks have been great. I am not saying it is easy to start again, but I work through each minute, each day to get to the next one.

You do not need to hear about his life anymore. Take your control back. You will feel so much better again.

GeoQ: That is PRICELESS! First I've ever read that...and it is so ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! That and Susan Elliott's rule: Does it hurt when I do that? Don't DO THAT!

For you, drtexti, your X is playing a game with your head and, up until now, you have been a player.
If you want the GAME to STOP, simply quit playing!
No more sympathy. No more listening ear. NO CONTACT!

Game over.

You've confirmed your feeling of the ex's danger of wavering attachment to you....it's the reason you've divorced him in the first place. We all crave love but not to the point of causing you to seek love from an ex partner whose idealizations are off and on.

Think of yourself as trying to gain a hard-to-get person who's flaky with their commitment...not to mention leaving you unfulfilled. Don't for one moment, fool yourself into the deception that you enjoy the pursuit of someone that has violated their vows. In other words, this is not to be your aphrodisiac nor your motive for wanting him back...ever!

Now is the time to focus on a person who freely shows and expresses affection for you.... I did say freely!

All such good advice and support provided. No contact - gives you the time you need to right things where they need to be, about getting your life on track. Frankly, you don't have one more millisecond to devote to dysfunction and abuse. , You'll need and want to place your energies into you and your interests (people, pets, hobbies, work, etc) that support and affirm the wonderful person you are and allow a mutual exchange. Sounds like he's leechinng - sucking and sticking onto something if it's readily available (Sounds harsh and my apologies). You are no less a caring person if you set your boundaries and respect them.

Hugs.

As my friend from DS told me recently, get away from him before he sucks you dry. These words are very true. I am also doing no contact. Very, very hard, but I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know I won't if I say on this loop. Get out of the loop and do NO CONTACT.

The good news is, he is an ex-husband. Keep telling yourself that! As to the mistake part.. don't do it again. One thing I use with people is this.. it is called the man on the street test. If you walked up to someone you do not know or on the street, and said, my ex husband is unloading on me all about his break up with a girlfriend.. what do you think they would tell you? They would say, why are you letting him, and stop it! This is good test for when you go off the deep end and do something like listen to an ex tell you his problems!

In some ways we are the men and woman of the street on this board, but because we have gone through this, sometimes our view is jaded, but bottom line is that you knew when you were listening that this was harmful to you, and for whatever reason did it anyhow. Just learn from this, don't do again and live well without hearing about what he is doing! Let it go, and learn.

A long term ex marriage is fraught with old behaviors, and this is what I think this is. If you could not say no I do not want to hear this during the marriage, you can't now either. I am very very fortunate, I divorced in May of 08, I talked to him once on the phone after the divorce about a financial issue, and never again since that! Did I want to? Sometimes, but I did not do it. I once said, I paid a lot of money to get a divorce I did not want.. I do not want to hear what he is doing ( to a mutual friend). I wish him well.. leave it at that! Hang in there, time does make things easier and better. Hopefully for all you will reach the point where you hardly think of him at all! If I do, I do wish my ex happiness.. for I am happy!

I too have wanted to call my ex to see how he is doing or I thought I needed his help. There were times..especially in the first few months that the urge to call was strong...I fought the urge and didnt call him. I had lots of help from the people here. I had to remind myself of all the things he did and said to hurt me. I had to remind myself what he did to our family. I had to remind myself about the hurt looks on my childrens face. I reminded myself how he let us all down. He did not deserve my concern. No contact is hard to do but it is truly the only way for healing. Remind yourself about all the things he did to destroy your family. Even now...he has one foot in his so called new life and the other foot in his old life with you. Only pain can come from this. He's the one that wanted out...give him what he wants...cut off all contact.

I can honestly say that it does get easier. I am almost 1 year into this and I am doing very well. You will to! I had to keep telling myself..better days are coming...I will live again...I will love again...I will be happy again. In the fall I planted over 200 spring bulbs...I kept telling myself..when the spring bulbs bloom...so will I. It worked! You are stronger than you think... Big Hugs...Kathy

Kick that man to the curb permanently and live for yourself! No contact and dont buy into his drama. You are important and a woman who has other things in her life. It is difficult i know as we all do but be kind to yourself! Poem is great. All advice here great!
Love yourself and the people who embrace you just for you.
Hugs