You have to get used to be alone and being happy with just yourself. At least that is what I'm working on!!! I HATE being alone.
I'm struggling too Bob. It sucks.
I keep super busy and then the minute I'm not I go crazy.
I have a fabulous counselor and am working on being OK being alone. It doesn't have to be lonely (at least that is what I am told).
But I miss the companionship and attention and what I thought was love, and the physical relationship.
Not very helpful, am I??? Hugs to you

Dear Bob, I've had many of those moments. To put it fairly simply I am kind to myself, I face up to my problems, and try to keep my life reasonably full.

I think the thing that's made the difference for me is that I no longer tell myself I shouldn't be sad or lonely, and I no longer tell myself I'm the only person who is lonely and everyone else is out there having a ball (which is not true). I live alone because I choose to be alone rather than live in an emotionally abusive situation. I don't fight it. I embrace it and beat it.

The first thing I do is tell myself, "Ooh it looks like I'm having one of those days." I accept that I'll have days of sadness, loneliness and despair. I use "The Happiness Trap" idea of looking at my situation objectively. When you can do that, you're no longer immersed in the loneliness and sadness; you're observing it and observing yourself instead.

Having done that, I usually allow myself a little cry for as long as I want. I might get in the shower and cry these days. Once, I used to get myself a coffee and sit on the couch with a big box of tissues for what I used to know would be a long session. I find that as time goes by, I'm a lot quicker at moving past the initial feeling of doom. My showers last about 3 minutes and by the time I'm out, I feel a bit better already.

Then when I've finished the crying, I start doing something - anything, wash floors, read a book, pay my bills, anything that keeps me at home where I can cry again if I want to.

As the attitude improves, I usually ring a friend for a chat. I find a quick talk to one of my aging aunts (no mention of me) is a good pick-me-up. At least I'm not in my late 80s or 90s looking at care facilities and losing my mobility - and I've helped make someone's day a little brighter :) Most times, when I'm feeling down and out, the last thing I want to do is go out, so I call my friends instead. I can tell one or two of them how I feel and know that they'll be helpful. The rest I keep it brief and all about them. It still makes me feel better.

If I don't have anything planned, I work in my garden, read, go for a walk, work on my hobby.

If none of this works, I make an appointment to see my psychologist because I know I'm in too deep and need a little help to find the way out. She mainly helps me by listening and understanding, and explaining how it all works. Then she might suggest a plan of action which will suit me.

To keep the drearies at bay, I keep myself busy with volunteer work. It's good for the soul. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the inconvenience and some days it's sooo hot delivering meals on wheels etc etc but I'm always glad I went when I see those happy faces of people who rarely get visitors as they cope with ageing and disability in their own homes. Once again, bringing a little brightness into someone else's life works wonders on my own happiness. I also do volunteer reading at the primary school. Those little 6 year olds test my memory and lack of disciplinary skills. We also enjoy love, fun and laughter. I can't think of much I enjoy more than sharing the joy of reading with them, and helping to mould their young lives through the necessary skill of literacy. (I wanted to be a teacher once - long, long ago it seems now LOL )

I like that you asked how to "prevent" this because I think you've already got your answer there. Finding things to do that keep you active mentally or physically, alone or in the community, and doing them on a regular basis, will keep the drearies at bay most of the time.

Having a coping plan for when you do feel a bit down and lonely will also help.

I see you have a dog in your avatar. It's just reminded me to say that my cat has been my little pal for 12 years now. Don't be afraid to lean on your dog, if that little cutie is yours. There's nothing like the unconditional love of a pet. Did I say unconditional?? Hmm, as long as you never fail to provide the food, it's unconditional. LOL.

love and hugs
kamary

Loneliness is with all of us man. Everyone on this earth is lonely. No one is special because everyone on this earth was born to suffer. People are lonely. Have no fear because everyone has a purpose. Never look at your life as why me? Look it as a gift from God. Peace be with you in those dark nights.

I keep myself busy. In the beginning, I couldn't stand to be in the house alone. I signed up for hiking groups at meetup.com. Check it out. There are a lot of groups that meet to share their interests. I also started going to church. It really helped me spiritually. I was in the depths of despair. My life in turmoil and I could not see a future. I found a Divorcecare group at a local church and it helped so much my favorite verse.
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

That verse gave me hope. I no longer feel alone. Sometimes I am lonely, but then I call a friend or go for a walk and talk to people I meet. All that you are feeling is normal, and it will get better. If you aren't seeing a therapist, find one. You will be happy again.

I think it must be so hard for men (have three grown son so 'get' the gender diff...as much as possible!) as they don't reach out to each other or talk about their feelings the way we women do. That said, we are all HUMAN and have feelings so there are many shared strategies.
I'm thinking that one of the best for you guys is to join a support group. There were many men in my group and I found that after the first few meetings they really felt 'safe' to share and talk, and I think that for many of them this was one of the few places they did that.
Another good bet is one on one therapy. You KNOW that it is confidential, so you can feel safe talking and....wait for it...even crying. NOBODY will ever know!
Also, and lastly but most importantly, there is one thing that you can not control but that I think is the key to recovery: time. It just takes time. I'm just over one year, and I have made huge gains. I can really feel that one more year will get me over the 'hump'. BTW I was also married for almost 24 years and together for 7 before that. It's a lifetime, and getting over it won't magically happen. Some hard work on your part and time.
Good luck - we are a supportive group here; visit again!

I cried it out. Its not so bad now...I'm 3 years post divorce after 24 years...but...in the beginning...especially after the 1st divorce with my ex...I cried a lot.

With this 2nd divorce I kept myself really busy. I have 2 little dogs that need a lot of attention and I created lots of projects that I had no choice but to finish. This helped me a lot with the loneliness. Even though I kept myself quite busy...loneliness still found me.

I believe your eyes are the windows to your soul and crying cleanses the soul...to me...crying is very healthy and purging. I have come to terms with loneliness. For me...my loneliness was a state of mind rather than an actual thing. I still had all the people I love and who love me except one person...my ex. When I took a good look around...not much had really changed except my ex doesn't walk through my front door. My loneliness was born from missing the dream. The life I thought I was going to have...even though when I was in it...it still didnt come close to that dream. Go figure! My ex continually hurt me over a long period of time so I had to question why I would miss that and choose to feel loneliness over something I never had.

I am alone..for now...and I am comfortable with that..but...I am no longer lonely. I long for companionship of the intimate kind but know I am okay if that doesn't happen. I have close and emotionally intimate relationships with my friends and family. At one time I would have argued that you cant be happy and content unless you were in a couple...I would have lost that argument.

What do you do to overcome it? Allow yourself to mourn the loss of your marriage and heal. Come to terms with your loneliness and understand its purpose. Spend some quality alone time to get to know yourself. Then... get involved with your life. Join groups...get a puppy....learn a new hobby...renovate...date...etc. You will find you way. Big Hugs...Kathy

I read and read and read... Journaled and walked and cried. I still get lonely - but it's not so bad now. I know that even being married you could be lonely, so I chalk it up to life. If you want some company, call a friend - try meetups or just become friendly with a good book. It will pass. Don't ruminate about it - because that makes it worse.

I started this journey in May my husband left, and in August my last child at home moved to an apartment for college and my house became very quiet after being surrounded by my family for 28 years

What has helped me?.....

I keep the radio on to NPR (talk radio)- the house isn't so silent that way
Get a pet - they are great for companionship and if it's a dog - a great excuse to get outside and get some exercise ( good for the soul and body)
learn a language and plan a trip in a year or so
read a book
join a meet up group
start a new or restart an old hobby
volunteer - someone will appreciate you donating your time
plan ahead - if you have a certain time or day of the week that is particularly difficult - plan something to distract you or keep you busy - it will soon replace your void
we've all been there - it's tough - I for one hate being lonely - but I'm getting used to being alone

I remember I would keep the television on even if I was working in another room, just so I could hear another human voice. When the loneliness gets really bad, I call someone or get out of the house and do something. You will eventually get used to it and even find that you enjoy your alone time. I find now when I travel with a group, I need to go off and be alone because I've become accustomed to it and crave it. Hard to believe, huh?

I lie Amiga's list--you really do have to be a bit proactive. Learning to be alone takes exactly that--learning. It's definitely something you transition into.

Sending healing hugs!!

It is part of the process of the journey. It actually is a part of the process that now, looking back, was what motivated me to move forward. I wanted to get away from the loneliness so I read books to grow as a person, I read books to understand, I talked to people, I got counseling, and I working towards getting to know myself and nurture myself so that being with myself was no longer lonely.

Just be patient with yourself. Feel and grieve the loneliness and learn from your thoughts. Journal what you are feeling. Every time you deal with it, it gets less the next time.

Hugs