Honey there is no time limit to grieving. It usually takes 1 year for every 4 years of a relationship to heal. The first few months, I was walking like a zombie, then slowly but surely I started to pull myself together. With the help of a therapist and priest, I started to heal. Now almost 8 years later, I am doing fine, in fact, I am doing great. You have to feel everything, and anything that comes your way. It is the only way. Burying the pain will only cause it to go dormant for now. It will surface when you least expect it. Please be gentle with yourself. You are a smart, vibrant and beautiful woman. You will flourish with a vengeance. Hugs

It takes as long as it takes and be advised that you may hit bottom yet as the divorce settlement will twist the knife a bit, it is possible that once you hit bottom that you'll bounce a few times.
( I know that I am bouncing still)
Think of it as a huge volcanic eruption spewing lava and dust, the eruption, the lava flow , the after eruption burps and the dust all create damage and the air is so full if dust that you can't clear it, it had to settle out itself--- it takes as long as it takes for the air, your head and your heart to clear

I didn't do the limit thing. If I felt sad or angry or whatever, as soon as I could be by myself, I just let it happen for as long as it took to calm down again. At the end of these sessions, I would naturally start thinking about what to do next, how to find a way forward. My theory is that the sooner it's out, the sooner you start thinking about what you can do to feel better. Limiting the time means you have to shelve it for later. That's ok if you're at work or have other people to care for, but if you're on your own, why not go the whole hog?

love and hugs
kamary

I would give just about anything to speed this up. I do all the reading, writing and soul searching that I do partly because I was hoping to speed the process. In my particular case, I lost a sibling at a time when I felt I had made some good progress in grieving the loss of my marriage. Somehow, losing my sister also shot me way back in the process. I am not sure why, all I know is I don't believe it is possible at all to control this thing or put time limits on the process. It truly takes as long as it takes and it is a very individual process.

I was reading books like my life depended on it. Maybe in some small way it did, but I felt desperate to read something that would change it all. Something that would tell me how to stop the pain, how to feel better now not later. 30 books later and guess what? I'm still processing. It still hurts and none of it has gone in order. I have revisited stages I thought for sure I was done with.

I will never for the life of me understand how they move on so easily. Like they didn't just lose everything for a bunch of nothing. I will never understand how there seems to be no process for them. They just move on. I guess in the early stages I was envious and wished I could be like him, because being me and feeling it all, felt like literally teetering on the brink of death. I swear there were days I wondered if I would make it. Now, though, I am thankful that I am emotionally healthy and able to love deeply and feel pain when I lose something I valued. There is growth in it and it does make you stronger later, as much as we hate that, it's true.

I suspect that if we could set limits and it worked, that most of us wouldn't be here still in the muck and mire of this nightmare. There wouldn't be as many people reaching back to help those who are not as far along as they are. I'm with you though he isn't worth one second of my thoughts, yet somehow I have realized that this process is more about me, my growth and strength, than it is him. I do believe we will/have come out better for it.

Be gentle with yourself. Feel it as it comes. Read, write, if you are a believer pray. Know that it won't always be like this and that you are not alone. The most beautiful diamonds we see today started out looking like nothing more than a simple rock. It is the extreme pressure, temperatures, and cutting that reveal the true beauty deep within. Your diamond is being refined and will shine my dear. Take your time and hang in there.
P.S. Those that just move on without regard or pain, will always just be rocks.

I've never tried that but I suppose on some level, anyone who has to work has to shelve their feelings for however many hours they're at work each day. Occasionally I will get a little reminder at work and I can't break down anywhere so I try to busy myself either with some mundane task or a conversation with someone about something work related.

When I'm at home if I am sad or grieving, I cry for as long as I need to. It was more in the beginning but it gets to be less and less as time goes on. You just found out in November of 2014 so this is a fresh wound. You're just at the 3 month mark after a 25 year marriage. I don't tell you that for any other reason than you should cut yourself some slack.

Like you I don't think it's fair that someone can choose to make their life happy while they make the others' lives miserable. It sucks plain and simple but we can't control what other people do. It might be hard to see now but a person who can do something like that is not worthy of your love or your time. Take comfort in that if you get comfort from nothing else.

{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

lemaym1.wordpress.com

A time limit? I am on 3 years (1 1/2 divorce) and still have moments. But I do what I need to do to take mind off that narcissist and concentrate on now. Like my grandson! Oh lordy!!! Do I love that little guy. He keeps his Nona moving and I love every second of it. Mind you I have learned to recharge myself when he takes his recharging naps. Not as young as I used to be. lmao

But, I agree with all. It takes a different amount of time per each person. I think sometimes the degree of hurt has something to do with it. But keep smiling. and Keep busy!

I agree with the others...everyone is different and there is no time limit on grieving. As far as the time limit is concerned...that did work for me but I was further down the healing road...I think it was around the 3 year mark...even then it was a struggle to train my brain to stop obsessing.

I really do think it is important to allow yourself to feel what you feel...ignoring it or minimizing it is not healthy. For me...doing something physical really helped to take my mind off it...and it energized me and cleared my thinking. It was a win win.

Broken...only you know how to heal you. Sometimes we rehash things because there is something we missed and needs to be addressed in order to let it go. Thats true for me. As I got further down the healing road...every time I felt the need to re-hash it was because I missed a important self lesson. Dont rush yourself and dont put expectations on yourself...you will get there...not a single minute sooner than your supposed to...Big Hugs...Kathy

Wow..I read what I wrote and confused myself...lol. I feel there is not time limit on grieving...meaning if it takes 3 years or 5 years to let it go...its ok. Daily grieving...I found putting a time limit on it during my day helped...but I was further down the road...aarrgg...its late...I hope this makes sense...lol

I think you are talking about how much time you spend thinking on the situation? Not necessarily a cut off time to being healed right?

I did it the way others wrote, took it as it came. But in my case I had a head start since I discovered some of the crap my EX was up too and spent a couple of years dealing with that and his stay in rehab.

If you find yourself doing nothing but thinking and worrying, then yeah, I can see where it might be helpful to say to yourself, "no, I won't spend any more time on that today" and redirect your focus. But trying to put a stop date of feelings of loss this soon is.....well....impossible. (((HUGS)))

I agree with all of the above. It took me 3 years to get my feet under myself enough to be productive. I had good moments off and on but for the most part, it was a LONG process. I worked hard at it too. I did counseling, tons of reading, DS, nurturing myself and it still took a long time. A few times I felt like I was doing too much "self-help" reading but it was because some of my friends thought I was. But through counseling, I realized I was on my own path and I was making progress. What I learned is that I don't ever want to stop this learning curve. It saved my life and I am learning every day how to do better with boundaries, caring for myself, spotting unsafe people, etc. I am 8 years post divorce and like was mentioned earlier, it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married. I was married 32 years.

I am happier than I've ever been. Still sad that divorce is part of my life. Still shocks me today to say the words, but I'm thankful for the journey, for the affair so that morally I could move on from the narcissistic, selfish, financially irresponsible person I was married to.

Take care of yourself. You have just started the journey. But you are here on DS with wonderful people who have been there or are going through it and will share with you along the way.

Big hugs.

Your sooooo very early in this - you do need to cut yourself some slack. I know you want the pain to be over with immediately, but it simply doesn't work like that. Your ex checked out a long time before he left, so he wanted what he thought he wanted and went for it. Regardless of whom he hurt in the process. It sucks, but like the others said you can't do anything about it - but that doesn't make it hurt any less does it?

Stop worrying about how to handle the grief and let it come. You have to feel it to get through it. If you stuff it down, you'll never heal because it will come back up on you when you least expect it.

You gave this man 25 years or more of your life - trying to make a happy life with him and he took it and tossed it away like an old shirt. You will hurt. There's no getting around it. How you navigate the hallway to allow yourself to move forward is going to be WORK...

There are plenty of us here, who are proof there's happiness after divorce. I'm almost 4 years out from when my ex left and he's getting married in April to the OW. Triggers will still continue to happen - but you sound like you have a lot of love and a lot of strength to get through it and you will.

Time is your friend in this instance and everyday, you'll feel a bit stronger and stronger each day. You'll get through this. You have no choice! Your one of the lucky ones - you found us :) You can come here anytime and we'll be here to talk to. 4 years out and I'm still here and I learn new things from these great people still to this day.

Sending lots of love and prayers your way.

IMO you can't control "it".

It is a journey of rediscovery and finding out who you are and who you want to become.

Just like when we were teenagers we had a path to unfold before us. As an adult we revisit this process and be kind to ourselves via grace and kindness.

No time tables.

Just take it one step at a time as it comes. Realizations and discoveries about you and your future will come as the journey progresses. There is no skipping the hard parts and the small joys can be found inside them. They can grow each day until you find you are not crawling, but running. On your own two feet with a new and improved version of yourself and verve for life.

Who or what resource suggests this "time" strategy - am curious?! It sounds odd to me but perhaps theres some psychology behind it that I can't fatham!

I agree with most of the replies, and KRK said it well when she said to let "it" (the grief) just happen and that you have to go through it to get to the other side. I don't see how we can portion off "feeling time" for this that or the other thing...people aren't built that way in my mind!

You are early on honey. It takes time, and lots more of it needs to pass before you start worrying yourself as to whether you're 'doing it' right! If you're functioning okay, then you're DOING okay at this point. Don't expect too much to yourself! Cut yourself some slack. hugs

If this just happened in November, this is still a very fresh wound. And, as you will soon enough discover, grief is not a linear process. Give yourself all the time you need.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and I agree with everyone else. Don't put limits on how long you think you "should" grieve. That word "should" is shame inducing. There are no time frames for grief. And, just when you think you've reached the end of the grief, something will happen that will knock you back a few paces. That's completely normal and part of the process. Let it happen. There's no point in fighting it. It just makes the sadness and pain worse.

I truly understand what you mean about him getting to be happy while you and your children are feeling lost and miserable. My ex left me for his affair partner after 24 years. He shattered our family to pieces and married his mistress. While he likes to tell our children how wonderful his new life is, I can already sense that things are not as peachy as he would like us all to believe. He's alienated himself from our children. They don't respect him or want much to do with him. While I know he's still in the honeymoon phase of his new life with "her", it won't last. The same will be true for your stbx. Nevertheless, it's still hard for me to hear via my children about his new life. I just have to remind myself that noone gives the real story - it's always just the highlight reels. The thing is that Karma's a bitch, and sooner or later she will settle the score with the exes. In the meantime, you will have moved on to building an authentic new life for yourself. In time, you will care less and less about what he's up to or if he's happy or not.

Just please don't shortchange yourself in the grieving and healing process. I'm nearly 3 years post separation, and I still find myself dealing with an odd mix of emotions. I vacillate between feeling quite strong and almost content to feeling very alone and riddled with doubts and sadness. Some of this is just this dance we call life. Divorce just steps up the tempo from time to time.

Hang in there and take all the time you need. Hugs to you.