My ex would not even speak to our children(daughter 24 and son 28) before and during the two year divorce, it might have been guilt but I don't know to this day why he disowned them. It broke my daughters heart into a million pieces and our son acted like it didn't phase him but im sure it hurt him a good bit as well.
We are all now a year and a half post divorce and while I never saw myself forgiving him for how he treated our children I have, they have and all seems to be pretty good with them. They were never quite as close to him as they were me but id say they have mended their fences for which I am grateful. My daughter is much happier with him in her life and that in return makes me very happy!
Maybe time will heel this for your family as well.
hugsss

Wondering if your ex will snap out of her selfishness is beyond control, attention and energy. The boys ages 22, 20, and 18 have/are developmentally into manhood stage generally are cutting their parental ties, spreading their wings leaving the nest. You might do better to focus instead on facilitating the boys' skills being self sufficient rather than on their " mother's selfishness". It's not about having a dysfunctional mother, it's about where they're GOING! Get yourself connected to local community program for men.

I struggled with this as well. The whys...the hows and how could they's. Being introduced to a part of there nature...that was always there...is hard to accept...we just never saw it before. I had to take a step back and allow my adult children to work it out with there dad. Both would come to me for advise...all I could say is...I support what ever decision you make that helps you deal with it better...even if it went against what I would have liked to see them do...thats when I was still pretty angry.

The kids do work it out with that run away parent eventually. The relationship is never the same as it was...but it doesnt mean that it cant develop into a loving relationship. From my experience...its more like friendship than parent child relationship. They love but have little respect. It wasnt that long ago where my son was struggling with an issue...I mentioned he could ask his father..he said...he's more messed up than I...so there you have it. Although this is a different topic...our ex's may appear to be living their dreams...but from an outsider looking in...not so much.

Your kids will find their way...you need to trust that. I agree with Toby...who you need to focus on is you...the better you are...the more your children see you as the solid stable one...and that is really important. My son said something to me early on in my process...he said...it doesnt matter what life throws at you...you always make lemon-aid out of your bag of lemons...I hold you in the highest regard...I hope I can be as resilient as you when it comes to my lemons. His comments helped me to try to always take the high road regardless of how uncomfortable it was and is. Its hard sometimes but I need to be the best person I can..for me...so I can be the best person I can for them. Trust me...they can see it.

You will be ok lost...your still early in your process and the wounds are still fresh...better days are coming...Big Hugs...Kathy

Kathy,
You sound like a wonderful and unselfish mother! How great that your children see and appreciate that about you. I am trying to be the same way for mine but it is challenging. But my husband is a great father - he just couldn't meet any of my emotional needs and left me. I feel so left out because they still adore their father and he wants nothing to do with me at all so he visits and leaves me out of any plans. Since I live with my daughter temporarily I choose to leave the house when he comes over. But my kids love me too - I guess I am selfish because I really don't like that close relationship they have with him - I want them all to myself. I know that it is good for them to have a good relationship with their dad and I hope to accept and be glad about that someday soon.
Hugs,
Donna

I've been there too I've pretty much separated myself from my boys' relationship with their dad. I just strive to be the best person I can be and they are seeing him for what he is.

It does stink for them though-and of course I wanted them to "pick me" but he is their dad. I know a lot of us have been through all the emotions you are feeling.
Hugs to you

My children are 17 and 23 - My ex left almost 3 years ago and up and moved to another state. I promote them having a relationship with their father. No matter what, he's still their dad and these girls know that. They may not admire him, but they do respect him and that's about all I can ask for.

It's very sad because children should look up to their parents. That's just the way it should be. Unfortunately, it's not always like that.

Your boys will deal with this in their own way. Just be there for them to look up to, and you'll be doing your job. You can't control other people and when it's all said and done, hopefully, they can mend their relationship. Time will tell.

I agree with Tobey - focus on what you can do for them, not what she's doing to them. It will make things much happier for you. Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.

I guess I'm just a confused emotional mess right now. My 20 year old went shopping and out to eat with his mom which I'm fine with but the OM went too. I feel betrayed and I know I shouldn't feel that way. I just feel like when they do things that involves the OM it's like their condoning what their mom did. This whole situation sucks I didn't ask for it and the kids didn't either, but we're the ones that have to deal with it. Do I tell the boys how I feel about this or do I keep my mouth shut and pretend to be happy with the whole mess. I'm just hoping things get better after Christmas. I wish I could just walk off and forget everything like she did.

This so-called idea of betrayal by your sons is your creation. Your feeling wronged, offended, and betrayed when your sons do not display some type of criticism of their mother becomes an issue and affects your dynamics. That puts you on the wrong path with your sons.

If your intention is to point the finger to make mother known as an undeserving "cheater and selfish woman" , then rejections by her sons is a perfect punishment as your hidden objective. It might [but unlikely] massage your pain as it might prove your sons are NOT CONDONING what their mother did. Note: Marriage vows are between you and your ex. [not between off springs] and disclosing details of her misconduct is not privileged to them. The only information privileged to off-springs are issues of parenting. Big difference.

What are they supposed to do? Never see their mother again because the OM is there? They can't do that and you know it. Don't you worry - they will never love that man like they love you.

They don't like it any more than you do, but have to suck it up because they love their mother too. They are hurting and are torn they know what it does to you and want to be in your corner, but love their mom.

Stop feeling like your kids are against you because they aren't. There's plenty of love to go around :) Does it suck? Yes it does - but there's nothing you can do about it except keep on loving your kids.

Oh, and you don't have to pretend to be happy about anything - When they tell you stuff that gets under your skin, just say to them - Well, I'm glad that you are respectful to your Mom and are doing the best you can with the situation - I'm very proud of you.

Try to have a Merry Christmas and wishing you a healing New Year.

I'm not trying to keep my kids from their mother. I know they will always love her.Tobywinn, I didn't disclose this to my children, they found out from their friend that lives by the other man. They chose not to tell me about who their mother was having an affair until after the divorce. I knew she was having an affair I just didn't know with who. They told me they didn't want to hurt me by telling me.KRKing911, I think you hit a soft spot too, I guess I'm afraid of them getting to like the OM. It is a very hard situation because of the anger I have for my ex wife and the OM. But thats why I post things on here,I know if I'm wrong you all will tell me. I have never gone through this before and I'm glad I can come here for advice. I will keep my mouth shut then and not talk to them about their mother because at this point I have nothing good to say about her, and I don't want that to effect the kids.

Lostwh, I hope you don't think I was "yelling" at you. I wasn't at all, I'm just saying that your boys are old enough they know the deal and they also know that you don't like it and neither do they. Being cheated on, betrayed and abandoned by the person who was supposed to love you and who you should have been able to count on hurts more than anyone can every understand.

Please don't think the boys are going to betray you too - they won't. You also don't have to pretend that you like it either. It's be silly if you did that. Your human, you have feelings and your children, aren't children anymore - they are grown young men. But the pain of betrayal isn't understood fully until you experience it first hand. Until then, you can only empathize, but never truly know what it feels like.

Trust that your young men empathize and understand what it's like for you. They love you and will most likely try to save your feelings like any good boys would.

You'll be ok. It will take some time, but know that your boys will always be there for YOU - not the OM.

KRKing911...I didn't think you were yelling at me. I really appreciate your advice, only tthe people that have gone through this can understand it, thats why I'm so glad I found this group. I just know my emotions are all over the place right now and it's nice to have people to talk to that have gone through this and are still going through it. Thank you