I am a Christian. I've also moved much closer to God throughout the divorce and two estrangements from my girls. All is resolved now. He has led me through it. Don't give up on Him. He's not giving up on you. Sometimes we have to fight on despite the odds.

I don't think it's about proving that you're worthy or good enough. He loves you anyway. And He doesn't expect you to put up with the lies, zero communication, anger and harsh words. He will love it when you stand up for yourself and do what is the best thing for you.

I read an ebook on Parental Alienation which recommended that 'love and compassion' was the only way to deal with it. I have taken it on as my life motto, and added respect for self and others as well. Self-respect is not putting up with the abuse. Being loving and compassionate does not mean laying down like a doormat to be abused. Being forgiving does not mean you let them do it again. You can demand to be treated with respect by treating yourself with respect first. Your self-confidence will grow too.

One of our biggest recommendations on this site is to go 'no contact' with abusive spouses as soon as possible. If you have to be in contact with him, keep it to business. You'll find it's a whole lot easier to find your way forward when you stop seeing him.

You can do it.

love and hugs
kamary

We should all be forgiving to others because we have been forgiven. But don't take that to me you should offer yourself up to be continually mistreated by someone. I have also forgiven some people in my life for things they have done, but I don't continue to have a relationship with them. It's not healthy. I agree with Kamary that no contact is best for the time being.

Who do you need to prove you are worthy to? God? Well, God loves you more than you can imagine. Do you have kids? Take that love and multiply it a million times and that's how much God loves you. He doesn't want to see you hurting and wants the best for you.

I too have strengthened my relationship with God during my separation & divorce process. I believe that God gave us brains and gut instincts for a reason - to use them to help ourselves when & where we can. He will take care of the rest (what we can't do for ourselves).

Good luck.

On the contrary, seems you're blaming the wrong target. You should be thinking you can't believe it was your EX who mistreated you. God is your ally. It's rather God 's loving grace that actually protects you FROM others who might have failed to embraced GOOD WILL for you. It might do yourself justice to reconstruct and clarify the differences between friendly benevolence versus enemy malevolence characteristics.

PS The burden is in you giving the "Debt Forgiveness " ...it's another way of saying you are cancelling the debt owed from the offender's wrong doing.

You don't have to prove to God that you're worthy. He loves you unconditionally! I, too, could never have survived my divorce without God leading me into the light. This is what saved me and was my mantra...

Jeremiah 29:11 - <<For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.>>

I refer to my faith as being "spiritual but not religious" and have always had a very personal relationship with God. Without faith, where would any of us be? I, too, turned to my Heavenly Father during the horrible time I still call the 18 Months of Hell and my faith has continued to guide and sustain me through the challenges of the last 10 years.

As to forgiveness...the first step in reaching that is acceptance of the situation as it is AND forgiving yourself for anything you may believe played a part in the breakdown of the marriage. Over the years I have maintained a presence here, I have seen the majority of folks somehow thinking it was all their fault -- something they did or didn't do. It just isn't so! What has happened a lot of the time is that you were so busy fighting the fire in front of you, you simply missed the inferno raging at your back! That's how it was for me, anyway.

There have been a lot of articles written on forgiveness - one that has been posted here many times is a piece called "What Forgiveness Is Not." That is what truly got me to forgiveness. In a nutshell, forgiveness doesn't lessen the injury that was done to you, nor does it let the perpetrator off the hook. What forgiveness DOES is FREE YOU from the burden of carrying the hurt and resentment so you can heal and move on.

All great replies! *And a clarification: I was speaking of not feeling worthy in my stbx's eyes - not God's. I have no anger against God because I truly and wholeheartedly believe that He works everything out for our good. ;)

Raised and returned to Catholicism after quite a few agnostic, searching years. I found what I call God through the teachings, clarification, and lessons learned from other religions. They shed enough light for me to see the spiritual truths the human failings in my religion were hiding.
I love many of my religions traditions, so brought my new found faith back to my home church, and am working very hard to revive and reform the Church around it's out of touch, outdated, and discriminatory behavior and views towards women, GLBT people, and divorced and remarried Catholics. As many things as there are that need to change to get back to Christ's message of inclusion and love, I also see beauty, community, people working toward justice and "caring for the least of these."
I don't believe in a punitive, "you deserve this" God. I believe in love, compassion, and forgiveness, the solid base in all the great religions of the world.
Personally, I strive, fail, try again, and sometimes succeed. I think the hardest lesson was learning that nothing I can do now, yesterday or tomorrow, could ever change the way my wasband loved me, or didn't. The wonder of the same lesson is that nothing I can do now, yesterday or tomorrow could ever change the way my Lord loves me. It's a gift, freely given. Nothing I can do to earn it, nothing I can do to lose it, nothing I can do to separate from it, the love IS me more than I am myself.
Anyway, before I get all "ohm mani padme ohm," I want to throw out this last bit of love:
When I forgave my wasband, I freed myself.
I hadn't realized when I was trying so hard how selfishly great I would feel when it happened, but I did.
If for no other reason than you will feel better, keep on trying! You're worth it!

Kristin, if you have to prove yourself worthy or good enough, he's not worthy or good enough for you!!

You are perfect just the way you are. I played the pretzel game for many many years. It wouldn't matter how many cartwheels and handstands you did, you cannot please a person like your ex seems to be.

love and hugs
kamary

God has a warped sense of humor
God does not deal in fair for this world
God is beyond human understanding

me, I am christian, i believe and try to follow where i'm led

i am angry at God as more then the shitstorm in my life, i look at my kiddos and how the divorce shitstorm fricks with them

i wish it was easy for me to look upwards and shrug off my worries, wants, and anxieties, it is not

i pray for the ability to just trust

Kamary,
I love the terminology "the pretzel game". I have played it the last 2 years, ... So done with it.

I am 58 years old & I don't want to go white water rafting or bungie jumping or sky diving or ... Fill in the blank.

I do enjoy being outside, walking, kayaking, bike riding (lol), ... Low key, not very dangerous living.

Not that their is anything wrong with it IF it is how you are, but it isn't me. And it wasn't us, until the OW was in the picture.

I have learned the hard way, I am me, love me or leave me. I am me.

We don't have to turn ourselves inside out to please anyone unless it's what we want ourselves.

My ex and the ow are currently on what I would think is the horror trip of a lifetime. No sir, I am glad I'm not being subjected to that - and putting up with the condescending judgmental looks that would have gone with it.

We are who we are and that is just fine.

love and hugs
kamary

Thank you, Kamary - I cannot begin to express all that I've gone through this past year ( and even before that if I'm honest) trying to mold myself into a better person. All of the things that he said were "my issues" I tried to address/change/adjust. I'm not perfect, I did own my mistakes - but I also think I began to hold myself accountable for EVERYTHING and in the end - it broke me.

Refurb - I understand and can empathize. I ask God to help me trust everyday... Not an easy feat when you've been lied to and manipulated. I have to believe that somehow good will overcome evil and that my hope is only in God - no one else. Wishing you strength on the difficult, heartbreaking journey. (((hugs)))