IMO Going through a divorce after 20 years is an extremely traumatic and life changing event...for everyone...and it changes a person forever....we are never the same, after. It is no different than any other major Loss in our lives...we have lost something that we relied on and held out dreams for. I liken it to the passing of my parents. I need to repeat that: We are never exactly the same people after these events...BUT, in time, I believe, the pain lessens and we become even Better and so much Stronger than we ever were before!
Hugs and Blessings to you.

Thanks for your nice response cndy2010. It is difficult to feel the pain and you want to make sure you dont carry it over to any new relationship as it would not be fair to the new mate or partner. However you wonder how they can walk away after so many years of life together like it meant nothing to them at all. It is so hard to believe you can dramatically change your life and damage someone elses

The pain of a divorce after you've been married for 20,25 or like me 33 years lessens but do we have time left for it to totally go away? Some of that pain will stay and pop out at us from time to time. This bad time in your life will eventually just be a passing thought, a blip in time, a pause in your thoughts and then it will be gone.

All you can do is keep looking forward and when those thoughts pop into your mind tell them to go away. I still have moments when a thought will pop into my head and I will know that's how he did something he shouldn't have done. I am able to laugh it off and move on. That's why the ex is called "him again" When I would really like to call him something not so nice.

You could benefit from seeing a therapist to help you through the pain. I did and she was worth every dime i paid her. It takes at least two years to process through the steps but for many people, it can take longer. Working with a therapist can help you overcome the pain.

I've had a few tragic events in my life...ones I thought I could never overcome..ones I thought would haunt me forever. It took some time...but those events do not effect me anymore. I have a memory of them...I remember the shock and hurt but I no longer live that shock and hurt. I have to assume...this divorce for me will have that same end result eventually. He will just be someone I used to know and happens to be my childrens father. I posted a song about this not to long ago.

I think that down the road ...if we feel anything...it would be for the loss of a dream...it would be pain for our childrens losses...the loss of the family unit. I'm hoping it wouldnt be for the loss of that relationship. My ex treated me like shit for years.

I believe this to be true of all of us providing we do the work and allow our grieving. Go to therapy, feel your pain, work your way through it and cherish the days you feel great.

I was in a relationship shortly after my divorce. We were together for 2 years. He is a wonderful man and treated me like a queen. We shared the same divorce story...divorced twice to the same person...go figure. Anyway...I will cherish that relationship forever. We taught each other so many wonderful things...we healed our hearts together. We will remain best friends forever. Our relationship was a wonderful healing one. Enjoy your new friend...Big Hugs...Kathy

I don't think you'll ever be the same again. Divorce changes you - and sure, the pain will lessen, but it's a loss - it's like losing a dream. I don't know if I'll ever get over how terrible my X was to me - like Dairy says - someone that I used to know.

We are forever changed because of it - but that doesn't mean we need to live with the pain forever. It will take time, but it will lessen.

Enjoy your new bo...

IMO unless you have gotten past the pain of your divorce, you really aren't fully ready to be in another "serious" relationship. A relationship should be a "marriage of strengths" -- not of weaknesses and if either party is still licking the wounds of past hurts, it will eventually taint the new relationship.

I was with the X for 30 years -- since 1976 until the divorce was finally final in 2007. I started working with a therapist almost the minute he said he wanted out and it was the smartest money I ever spent! By the time the divorce was final, I was SO DONE with him and his endless b.s. I didn't really have any more pain to deal with. My therapist had instilled in me the strength and self-confidence I needed to rediscover my Authentic Self -- someone I had completely lost touch with over that 30 year period.

In March this year, it was FIVE YEARS since the divorce was final and I almost never even think about it anymore. X got exactly what he THOUGHT he wanted and I got a whole new life -- a life that is 1,000 times more peaceful than that old one ever was -- even on its best day.

Your New Life can be, too. Please find a qualified counselor or therapist to help you work on YOU! It makes all the difference in the world. Hugs to you.

I am so done with him, I get angry when I see my daughter struggling with her school debt. It should not have happened. I get angry when I see him living a life of Riley and I have to watch my every penny. But besides that, I love my new life. I am at peace with myself and he is still stuck in the past. Hating me for putting him the mess he is in. He will never admit that he, his parents and his sister were the cause. So here I am free as a bird, loving it too. The pain will diminish with time, and before you know it, you will be free to live life as God has intended us to live

Having a new wonderful man in your life is good. BUT the problem with moodiness on those days can sabotage your natural spontaneity. Such dynamics may REQUIRE your new love to consistently give you reassurance....it can become problematic for him and creates co-dependency. Clearing off your slate of the past baggage takes great insight. And yes, the heart may be a little "scarred" but many do recover. Achieving wholeness brings self fulfillment and allows you to radiate good spirit... it is the key to successful relationships.

Rbsingle, I'm glad you have a new partner who is so lovely. You each know exactly what the other's been through. How healing is that!

Kathy, what a lovely friend you now have.

I agree with you when you suggest that we never really forget. I still have my moments. They're pretty well limited to special times now, though, and I have no wish to return to my sad marriage. I still love the man I married and I miss him.

That's not going to stop me moving on, though. I want a happy life and for the most part, it's happening.

love and hugs
kamary

I agree with the others that therapy will help. Cowgirl Kathy is right--you don't want this anger and pain you carry to affect the new relationship (and it could). You've got to find a way to put the pain away and move on with life.

Do we ever totally get over it? I don't know. I am four years past d-day and three years post-divorce. I am no longer angry but occassionally get a little sad about what I once had. But then I remember what a verbal/emotional abuser he was and I realize I am so much better off without him.

Get the counseling--it will be money ell spent.

Hugs

I guess it also depends on how horrible a marriage people had. Some say they are done and over it cause their spouses or ex spouses were verbal and abusive etc etc. If that were my case i would be glad he left too but it was not the case. Although he was detached from me and the family he was not verbal or abusive ever. Never hit me or cursed me although by being distant it seemed more painful at times than if he would have slapped me on the face. But besides the fact that he was detached and emotionless he was a good spouse (or so i thought) he was a good provider and i just feel used. I am not so angry at the fact that he left. I think my marriage was over a long time ago. It is HOW HE DID IT that pists me off the most. The cowardness, the sneaky way, the lies etc that is most painful. Not so much that he is gone cause many times I thought of leaving myself; I was just afraid of being on my own.

rbsingle - a lot of us had the same scenario you describe. My X never hit me and his form of abuse was to totally IGNORE my needs and wants. It took living WITHOUT HIM to start to clear the fog and see what it had really been like for all those years.

I never said I hate him, but I have said many times I hate what he did and how he did it. I told him to his face "This is like taking Jake & Woody (our cats) for a "ride" in the car and dropping them off in the middle of nowhere." Cruel and inhumane.

But I survived. And I am thriving in this new life. You will, too. Just give it time.

'I dont believe you ever get over it like it never happened. Anybody agree?'

I do. All the way.

Not saying this to be pessimistic or mean. To me, this is just stating the obvious.

Stick with me here, alright? I have had numerous back issues. Lots and lots. Rods, pins, plates...so physically, you would say, 'of course you will never be quite the same as you were before the surgeries. Your back is altered - you can see it. Touch it. It's physically evident.' We all understand that and may even smack our own foreheads and say, 'duh...of course.'

Then we get to the emotional hits. Somehow, they don't have the same understanding. Why? Cuz we can't see them? We can't touch them? I have no idea, but we expect our emotional side to take these huge hits and 'in time, you will be as you were.'

I don't agree with that. I don't think it's a realistic expectation. We see our physical limitations and say, 'of course!' We see our emotional and say, 'you'll be fine.'

Nahhhhh....

Rb, I don't think I'll ever be the same as I was before. I think this divorce, although it's been good for me, and good to me, and I would do it all over again (yes, I would divorce the clown twice if I could and have told him this), I don't think I will ever be the same person that I was before this divorce and his cheating.

That's just realistic.

Don't get me wrong, kiddo. I'll be good. I'll be fabulous. I'll keep my head on straight. I love again. I laugh every day. But I won't ever be that same person again.

The physical takes a hit and we see it, and accept that we may never be totally as we were. We accept that. It's alright to accept that our emotional has taken a hit. It may never be the same as it was.

(shrugging shouldgers...)

L~

Lstecker, I didn't mean to IMPLY that you just forget it ever happened and are not changed in some way by divorce. But when you stop and think about it, who we are TODAY is the product of all our cumulative life experiences - good, bad and indifferent. What I was trying to say is that divorce can be (no doubt about it) painful and disconcerting in the most awful way. BUT we have a choice -- we can hold onto the anger and become bitter OR we can take what we learned about ourselves in the experience and become stronger, wiser and much healthier people. After divorce, we've got a much better tuned "Crap Meter" for sure (and if you don't know about the Crap Meter get a copy of The 101 Things I Learned AFTER Divorce" -- it's a great book!).

I like to think that going through the divorce from Hell changed me in a very positive way! All of my illusions got busted (thanks to my wonderful therapist) and I learned once again how to TRUST MY GUT, speak from my heart and accept NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. I also learned to listen more carefully -- because sometimes, you have to get real quiet to hear what another person is "really" saying even though they might not be putting it into words.

I am not cynical, either. I have always believed that God created man and woman to be together, but He also gave us the 10 Commandments to follow -- and I'm pretty big on those. Everything I really needed to know about life I learned in kindergarten and the older I get, the more sense all that makes.

Let's hear it for us New & Vastly Improved Women! Yaaaay!