Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

It's been so long.......

jljlost
jljlost

So much has happened and my life just isn't getting organized.


An abusive 30 year marriage just doesn't go away, no matter how hard I try to leave it behind.


This year I had surgery for the first time, never been a patient and I hallucinated from all the meds. (I was an RN!). My son n law never said 'Hi'nor his family. They didn't tell her in laws. They live in the same city as me. I later had to call 911 and went  back to the hospital via ambulance for complications. I asked my daughter to pick me up but her dog needed to be fixed. I took a taxi home.


Then my new son-n-law gave me a lecture. He said my daughter needed a MOTHER! And he was so proud he was able to offer a stable, normal mom for her. His. He really insulted me and it hurt. Up until then I had been cleaning their house for free every week.


I then was going in for foot surgery and asked if my daughter could drive me home. She said she had to bring her cat in for her shots. I put off the surgery.


I moved to the country and my daughter was too busy to help. She and hubby were going to Tahoe that week.


OK, enough hints. But then the hospital called and said I had chronic active Hepatitis C!!! I have never used drugs or been out of the country. The doctors and I figured it out. My ex husband was my dentist for 40 years. During our divorce I saw him a couple of times. He infected me with Hep C that his previous patient (and friend) had. Didn't clean the instruments.


I told my daughter I had Chronic Hep C and she ignored me. Didn't want to talk about any of 'my'problems.


I broke my wrist.


I also have spinal stenosis and sciatica. Among other things. Then I got poison oak in my mouth and went to the hospital again.


This is all in the last 4 months!!! My daughter never offered any help or called.


Ny daughter called today and said she was going to Ireland and England next week. Husband's family had invited her. While gone, I was welcome to stay at her house and if I did could I clean it up a little? And feed the cats and bird?


Medicare denied my Hep C treatment. I have no idea why. But as time goe by so does my liver.


My daughter and I had a very close relationship until 4 months ago. Then her hubby stepped in.


She was all I had left.


I am not to calling her to tell her any of my problems. I believe her attitude is because she was brought up in an abusive household and that is how I was always treated. Does anyone have any ideas? I am getting so depressed. 


Yes I got divorced but why can't I get away from the problems it caused?


And all this physical stuff hitting in such a short period of time! I didn't even mention some of it.


Then of course my ex took out a credit card in my name and is trying to interfere with my Social Security benefits.

cmonge
cmonge
First offw appeal the denial for treatment - since there is now a cure. You need it.
Second - what in the world is wrong with your daughter? I am angry just reading this. her dog, her cat, her bird.... but WHAT ABOUT HER MOTHER?!?!
I wish I could take away this physical suffering, but I bet the emotional is worse.

is there a medical service that helps with transport in your area? It sounds like you could use that at least sometimes.
Snipsnipe
Snipsnipe
i wish i had more to offer,
i will hold a good thought for you
jljlost
jljlost
Oh Darn!!!! I just realized I am now divorced after 35years and can't even have
SEX with anyone......not that I want to mind you.....but the hep C puts an end to anything but dreaming about it.
jljlost
jljlost
Thank you for the replies. I appealed and got the treatment, but it cost $1300/day for 8 weeks!!!! And Medicare will not pay it. But I asked the company who manufactures it if they could help me out and they are not going to give me the full 8 weeks free!!! OMG!!!
But my daughter is a different matter. I simply don't understand how she can totally ignore me. We had such a close relationship. Maybe she is afraid of getting Hepatitis? Maybe she is just mad at me because I got divorced? It was so abusive I had to leave. Should I leave her alone? When she says something rude to me should I ignore it or tell her she is being rude? Her new hubby does not get along with me.

At least now I have time I wasn't sure I would have, to patch things up.
trisha9054
trisha9054
I don't remember how your ex treated you while married. Your daughter may be acting the same way he did towards you. You are making a new life for yourself and that is what you need to focus on.

If you start making that new life and not so available when daughter calls she may realize how much you mean to her. If she doesn't it's her loss and not yours. Yes, it will hurt a lot if she doesn't change her attitude.

My daughter is a nurse and sometimes talks down to me. They live in Atlanta and I see them less and less each year.
jljlost
jljlost
My daughter is also a nurse, an RNBS.
My ex was extremely abusive. In fact. he is the one who gave my hepatitis.....from one of his patients. I'd say that pretty abusive. He did it after I told him I was divorcing him. I started medication 10 days ago and had an extremely bad reaction so they took me off. The pill I took cost $1300/DAY for 8 weeks. I don't know what will be next.
Both my kids have problems because they thought abuse was normal in a marriage. Like the MAN keeps all OUR money in his personal account and I have to have an allowance. If I need to buy something special, I have to get his permission first (lunch with my mom he turned down). He stopped giving me an allowance cause he said I was selfish and only bought food for me .I had to beg to get money for food. I am 5'6" and weigh under 100 pounds now. He is 6'4" 350 lbs.
He once called me a thief in front of my daughter and her friend because I did not have his permission to have a bagel. One of a dozen he brought home.
Nice guy left me with PTSD also.
It meant so much to find a place to live that I love. Out in the country, streams run thru the property. I found a place where I could be happy for awhile, now this happens.
I could go on and on but you get the idea.
Thanks for your reply
Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
wow, hugs my friend. That is a lot to handle. But be gentle with yourself. As for house sitting while they are gone, tell them to hire someone. You have to look after yourself
trisha9054
trisha9054
Here it is the end of October. I hope you are doing better. Small steps forward work well. You have to take care of yourself. Your daughter has shown you that she is not interested in helping you in any way so don't help her. Eventually she may come around and realize that she needs you. Don't jump when she calls for free help. You need to start making a life for yourself without your daughter. What she thinks shouldn't matter because you need to build the life that is right for you.
jljlost
jljlost
Life is full of surprise...…I was finally approved and I started the medication, only to suffer a severe allergic reaction after 7 days. I had to quit taking it. I contacted the company that makes it and told them the side effects and precautions made no mention of the reaction I had. They were grateful I called. The medication is new and though it had been through the testing required and approved for use, my reaction was so rare they had only encountered it 1 time. So it was not enough times to list it as a reaction to the medication. They were wonderful and treated me with respect. They asked if I was willing to have a blood test and answer some questions with more detail and were even happier when I told them I had taken pictures because my doctor ignored the seriousness of my reaction. My skin has scars left from open sores from what my doctor, without seeing me, said was simply a rash. It was not simply a rash. It was open wounds that were full of pus, raised welts and redness and swelling that covered me from head to toe literally. They even offered me medical help if I needed it. I am happy to be able to help prevent someone else from going through what I did. My doctor left a message saying he was putting me on another medication next week He has not had me take any blood tests or have me make an appointment to come in and see me and explain what side effects I might have. Actually, he never replied to my calls asking for help, his partner did. I think I will switch doctors if Medicare allows it. But I am almost back to normal and am happy. As for my daughter, I didn't call her for help and I was too sick to think about her problems. So I think I ended up emotionally healthier thanks to my drug reaction. LOL
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