Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hello to all. Thanks for letting me join the group. I have been divorced for a little over a year. I have never been in a support group, but I've been thinking lately that I need to quit my self-imposed silence. I was married, for the second time, for 23 years. The divorce was quick, but the break up was slow and painful. I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder in 2008, and that's when things went badly. My husband cheated with my best friend of 30 years, quit working, got a second DUI, and all the while I'm trying to find out what the heck was wrong with me, and going to battle (four years worth) to save our house. I am literally starting from scratch. Over the past couple of years, I have found I am feeling "lighter". I realized that his behavior was not out of the blue. It had been building for many years, and I forgave easily, and ignored what I couldn't figure out. I've lost family that I love; in-laws, step son and daughter-in-law, grand daughters, and friends. I have never said a word to any of these people about him or our divorce, but I think he may have taken advantage of that opportunity. My son, who is the best person in my life, loves me. I don't dwell or cry anymore, these are just the facts. I'm here to get on with the joyful business of living, and learn how other people go about finding their bliss again.
As for bliss...I gave it all to GOD and he healed and saved me by placing people in my life who showed me love and support. HE showed me the world was still a good place (when I no longer wanted to be here). HE taught me to be grateful for what I still had...and, so, in HIM...I found my bliss. And, thanks to HIM, I did it in slightly less than 2 years after the end of a 25 year marriage. Pretty short amount of time considering I had basically had a breakdown and my heart was shattered. But, with GOD...all things are possible and I am living proof! :)
One day at a time at first. Look for the things that give you joy, then let yourself be happy.
love and hugs
kamary
What keeps me moving forward is this land I live on and my determination to make a life for myself that I love. I'm thankful for the things the ex brought into my life but we will never see each other again. I have faith that my efforts won't be wasted. When I have had a real need those needs have been filled.
What helped me was the many people on here and working thru my divorce by writing journals. You are already moving forward and you will find what brings bliss into your life.
Gratefulness has a tendency to affect our spirit and attitude to a rather large degree. I need to improve upon it myself as I find myself looking too much as to what was lost which is counterproductive in producing that calm and peaceful feeling. You attribute God for the bliss you've found, and that is fine, I believe in God myself, but there are some that don't but being grateful can help them as well. I'm going to cut and paste a scientific finding on the effects of gratefulness, (you can read the whole article by googling, "How To Trick Your Brain For Happiness" by Rick Hanson). I could argue the science behind it is because God created us to function as such, therefore, God is still the one who offers the solutions if we maintain a proper spirit.
The first two facts that the article presents is what I'm going to paste here. The power of gratitude scientifically.
"Fact one: As the brain changes, the mind changes, for better or worse.
For example, more activation in the left prefrontal cortex is associated with more positive emotions. So as there is greater activation in the left, front portion of your brain relative to the right, there is also greater well-being. That’s probably in large part because the left prefrontal cortex is a major part of the brain for controlling negative emotion. So if you put the breaks on the negative, you get more of the positive.
On the other hand, people who routinely experience chronic stress—particularly acute, even traumatic stress—release the hormone cortisol, which literally eats away, almost like an acid bath, at the hippocampus, which is a part of the brain that’s very engaged in visual-spatial memory as well as memory for context and setting.
For example, adults who have had that history of stress and have lost up to 25 percent of the volume of this critically important part of the brain are less able to form new memories.
So we can see that as the brain changes, the mind changes. And that takes us to the second fact, which is where things really start getting interesting.
Fact two: As the mind changes, the brain changes.
These changes happen in temporary and in lasting ways. In terms of temporary changes, the flow of different neurochemicals in the brain will vary at different times. For instance, when people consciously practice gratitude, they are likely getting higher flows of reward-related neurotransmitters, like dopamine. Research suggests that when people practice gratitude, they experience a general alerting and brightening of the mind, and that’s probably correlated with more of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine. "
End of quotes.
I found the article quite interesting. I've always known about the power of our thoughts but too many times I'd write it off as lying to myself. I cannot and will not state that I'm better off today post divorce but what I can do is set my thoughts and focus on that which is good around me yet today which oftentimes will set the tone as to how the day progresses. Do enough of it, and wallah, as a LG TV will say after powering up, "Life is Good".
You have found a great place here. Many of us "long-timers" are still sticking around to help and (hopefully) serve as living, breathing proof that there IS life after divorce and a darned good one at that!
xoxo
I'm glad your relationship with your son is still good. I know that's my best connection on this world too.
This is a great group of people, with vast experience and wisdom. With their help, I've learned many new ways to grow and heal through my grief.
Hopefully, someday that will be you & I. It helps to know that we are not alone. And any time day or night, someone is there.
Better days ahead, every storm does run out of rain!!! Best wishes. TCB