My children and I are very close. I still have that family unit, it just doesn't include stbx. He gave that up himself by now living with OW.
I'm still in the process of getting a divorce so I haven't really thought of myself as "single" just "alone" right now. I guess I'll be single someday but today "single" sounds a little scary.
My children have been affected greatly by what has been going on in their lives. This turmoil has been going on for six years. I took stbx back many times only to be left again for the same OW. In July I finally said NO when he asked to come back again. The whole situation has hurt our children, their relationship with Dad is little or none. They are not ready to understand what he was thinking, and how many times he left this family, stbx weakened the relationship with his kids and I'm not sure it will ever be repaired. My relationship with the kids is very good. They have all been there for me in everyway possible. Right now their concern is that I'm ok, and out of the divorce I will get what I'm entitled to.
Maybe its too early, for me, to answer your questions because you are further in your journey than I am, but this is where Our Family is now.

I suppose I was fortunate in that my only daughter (from a brief teenage marriage) was already grown and gone with a family of her own by the time the X "went south" and ran off with the OW. But I can say this for sure...
Although I didn't know about it until after my mother had passed away in 1976 (at the very young age of 52) that my father had been a serial philaderer during their marriage. This was a bit devastating, but suddenly all the undercurrent I remember feeling as a child made sense. In retrospect, I could clearly see that I had learned some very unhealthy behaviors from growing up in that environment! By example, my mother had taught me to "eat crap to keep the peace" and to smooth everything over and "make nice." What a load of crap!
Years later, when my H of 23+ years dumped me for the OW and I got into therapy to help me deal with it, I stood straight up one day and said to my therapist "Oh my God! I have become MY MOTHER!" That was my "defining moment" -- and I reached the point where I left her office and drove straight to my attorney's office and said, "LET'S SERVE THOSE PAPERS ON HIM TODAY!"
So you see, if my mother had divorced my father when I was a kid, it would have affected me and my sisters, but I dare say we would have learned from a much HEALTHIER EXAMPLE of what a marriage is supposed to be!
Nothing distresses me more than to read others' posts about "staying together for the sake of the children." Whenever I read that, I post my personal experience! IMO, the "family unit" is whatever you make it. There are plenty of single-parent families out there who are strong and healthy. Remember -- a relationship is ONLY AS HEALTHY as the people who are in it. And I am NEVER, EVER going to be party to an unhealthy relationship as long as I live!

I've been "single" and lonely most of my married life. I'm content with that. It's what I was raised in and what I know. When I get lonely I go thru a fast food window and pick up lunch. I don't require much attention.

Probably part of what happened to our marriage and the reason we were able to stay married for so long. No, the ass was a serial cheater and I happened to be very trusting.

We have one daughter together. I raised her, I took her to school, doctors, shopping, fed and clothed her. Her father was in the house but not in the family. He was always attached to a beer can. When I finally knew I had to leave the marriage I was the one that had to tell her. She said she didn't blame me. But once the divorce was final I became the bad one. The one who left her dad all alone even though he had married someone else. The last time I saw my daughter was Thanksgiving last year. She only lives an hour away from me. Part of it was this farm I started. She didn't want to come onto the farm. I always had to drive to her house unless her dad was here. She's married and should know better. She keeps saying the old adage it takes two to destroy a marriage. I wasn't allowed to say anything about her father and I didn't unless it was absolutely necessary for her well being. I'm not even sure she knows he comitted bigamy among other things.

Now she listens to the lies her father is telling her and I am even more the horrible person who is trying to put her dad in jail. He can do no wrong and nothing I do is right.

But I'm doing okay with this. It is what it is and most days I am happy. I stay busy here on the farm and I don't have time to feel lonely. I do miss my daughter but that was her choice. I make my family where I find it. My trainer brings her little daughter with her to my farm. Lucy is a lot of fun and then she goes home.

I'm aksed if I knew I would lose my daughter over this would I have left. Yes, I couldn't stay with someone so dispicable and uncaring about the people in his life. He's a user, a player and the blame is on him. I don't fault the other women in his life. He lied to them just as he did me. For the first time in a long time I am only responsible for me.

I get it wm98, I too wanted the Norman Rockwell picture family, but when I took a hard look at what I actually had it was anything but. Like Tisha I was like a single parent most of the marriage. When the EX wanted to show us off then we played the part. I do mourn the loss of being able to do some of the things I looked forward to, but it's out of my hands and control. I recall during parent teacher meetings how the teacher would say we were not the norm because we had what was called an "intact" family. Both parents and natural children under the same roof. Now we live the norm which is a single parent household. We make new traditions and do the best we can with what we have. And it's not so bad. There is peace in this house now. And now I am looking forward to doing some of those things again, just won't have all the same people.

LOL, Kathi, I too ate a lot of crap to keep the peace. A large part of my depression. In marriage counseling the counselor said, "depression is anger turned inward, what are you angry about?" From eating crap I guess :P

Yes, I've also seen my family unit affected by this divorce. I worry if I will have a change in my kids attitude towards me. I hope not, but its something I do think about. I agree, wm98, neither me nor my kids will be the same.

I think about memorial my stbx did for his mother. They had pictures of his parents together for their 49 yrs together. Was sad to know my kids won't have that. I believe my kids will always know which parent caused this split, but when I think about the effect to the kids....does it really matter who caused. They have to deal with the changes. Hopefully in few years, won't have much effect, but know this holiday season will be tough for all of us.

All we can do is go on to the new chapters in our life and adjust to these changes. Be there for ourselves and for our families.

On a happier note we wont have to attend a fake happy 50th wedding anniversary party in our honor.

That was shitty, I know....sorry

Well, on my happier note I don't have to always handle all the ex's made up problems so he could get me distracted and cheat again. And see him attached to a beer can every waking moment.
Misred, I don't think it was shitty. It was honest.

Devestated by the loss of my teen age kids who have decided to try to live with their dad who finacially , verbally , emotionally , mentally and phyisically abused me. They were drawn into his lies and his gifts of freedom which i call neglect, lack of rules and car ussage as well as cell phones etc. I hope in some time they will regain their heart and soul with the morals i tried to teach them.

sobering ... this thread is... but needful.
our DS shared with me tonite that he is praying his mom and dad will be together again by xmas... he is very sentimental about xmas ... our DD, on the other hand, is very quiet... but observes every nuance... every tone in my voice when i HAVE to talk with her dad.... they both know the BIG mtg with our counsellor happens in a few weeks... where we determine where to go from here... from where i'm sitting i don't see the H being back home by xmas AT ALL!!! and i'm not looking forward to our DS's heartbreak... but like many of you have shared... it sure beats "FAKING IT"... i'm not eating crap either anymore.

I've been alone for a long 3 weeks. My kids, 26 & 21 are devistated that their Father would do such a thing to me. He has been the opposite man I married for over 8 months now. In every way.
My Son won't speak to him at all...cut his Father off. My Daughter speaks to him because she has to. The Husband and Daughter are in the same town.
I and my Son are in the same town. I had no place but my Son's to go to, when my Husband decided he didn't want to be married.
I don't think we will ever be repaired. When I mention that it isn't too late for their Father to come to his senses, both chidlren tell me "you can never take him back for this"
When I explain that everyone makes mistakes and this is his first (big one) and I still Love him. They get very aggitated and say move on, and don't take him back.
It will be a rift if I do take him back, and guilt on my part if I don't. I mean if he wants to get back together before I've settled on NOT.
always so confusing.

mello9, honey, your "kids" aren't kids...they are young adults and they will have to deal with their own emotional fallout -- you can't fix them OR your Husband. You can only FIX YOURSELF. I am so sorry that this is happening in your life -- it's got to be the worst and the hardest thing I ever had to deal with -- but now (5 years after Devastation Day) I can clearly see that it was the BEST THING that could have ever happened for ME!
If your gut is telling you "I don't think we will ever be repaired" then you need to listen. No, it's not too late for your H to "come to his senses" but if he's already moved the Other Woman in with him, I doubt that's going to happen. What you need to do now is TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.
You wrote "It will be a rift if I do take him back..." Has he ASKED to come back?
You wrote "and guilt on my part if I don't..." Again, has he ASKED to come back?
This kind of thinking is going to keep you in a state of confusion and limbo. My recommendation is for you to get yourself into THERAPY immediately so you can begin to sort out your feelings.
Knowing what I know NOW, I know that it TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO MAKE A MARRIAGE. Following two years of intensive therapy during my own 18 Months of Hell and beyond, I came to realize that I had been THE ONLY ONE IN THE MARRIAGE for a very long time.
No amount of begging or pleading can make someone love you -- all it does is degrade YOU.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
This Divorce After 20+ Years group is probably going to be a lot more helpful to you than the Breakups & Divorce group, as all of us here face issues that come into play during a long term marriage. I urge you to start any new discussions you may feel would be helpful to you. The responses and support will definitely help you to reach some clarity.

mello09...I've been where your at right now. My ex and I divorced 6 years ago. We were divorce for about 11/2 years when he decided he made a mistake and wanted to come back. I wanted him and my family back in tact so bad I jumped at the thought. He said all the right things. What I failed to see at that time was...his actions did not match his words. He refused to go to counseling...well he went once...but decided we didnt need it anymore. That was a huge red flag that I refused to acknowledge. To make a long story short...we lasted 3 years and he did exactly the same thing he did the first time. I am now divorced for the second time with the same man. The heartache far outweighed the loving times during that 3 years.

What I learned from this experience is...you cant go back. It can never be the same. The betrayal is very hard to overcome. Not impossible but very hard. My philosophy has always been...once is a mistake...twice is on purpose...But...I have learned that when it comes to a betrayal in marriage...second chances shouldnt exist. Think about it for just a minute. These men...yours and mine...threw us away! I was thrown away twice. We were discarded for someone else. They gave up there home and children for...what? This didnt just happen..it has been in the works for some time. It was thought out and planned. We were something that they no longer wanted. We became something for them to run away from. I have to live with knowing that I was second...twice! I was not worth working to save. Please just think about this before even contemplating taking him back...because there is a good chance that if this relationship he's in fails..he will.

This hasn't happened because were bad people. Its not because we didn't do something or we weren't there for them. Its not because of anything we have done or not done. Its them. They are looking for something and dont have the smarts to realize its a lack within themselves. Its not us..its them. Until they come to this on there own...there is nothing you can do. Taking them back just prolongs your personal agony...and his for finding himself again...if he ever does. Big Hugs...Kathy

wm98...My children have fared quite well with this second divorce...same man. During the first one...well that is a different story. My son took it very hard. I believe it changed his world. My daughter was already on her own and had gone through a few relationship failures and had a bit more of an understanding of life.

Although my son was hurt and a bit angry with this second divorce he has come to the place where he has separate relationships with both of us. It's a bit of a juggle during the holidays but I do my best to make it easier for them. Sometimes I have to sacrifice my time with them so they can see there dad...I do it for them...not there dad. I think they appreciate it. Having been were you are and come out the other end...just know that as time goes on and your children get older and experience a bit more of life lessons...they will come out okay. For you..with the longing of the family unit...I'm not sure that ever goes away. i think it will always be there..perhaps less in intensity..but its still there. Its just such a shame. If only...what a perfect world it would be. Big Hugs..Kathy

Kathi, such wise words. Many of us need to hear this. Especially if we have daughters, modeling strength is the kindness, smartest thing to do FOR our children.