Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Like many others, I was married to someone I would consider a narcissist for a very long time. As I extricate myself from the "world" and create a new life and sense of stability for my sons, I have struggled to recognize and create the appropriate boundaries. I had a friend (male) who was very helpful and supportive during that transition period and as my divorce was finalized. He has known my ex and myself since high school. He had very good insight into the actions that my ex would do and what he would be thinking. It was NOT more than friendship on my end. He drank too much one night and spilled his guts... loved me, etc,etc. He later recanted when I explained that I knew myself well enough to that I was not ready for that. He has sporadically overreacted when I don't text back quickly enough and those episodes have been getting closer together and more aggressive. He lives in another state so most conversation is via text or FB messenger. Today, I had enough. I explained that I was not ignoring him or gaffing him off but that he was out of line and I would not tolerate his behavior. I was busy taking care of my house (recent garage flood, yard work, garden work, basic housekeeping) and that phone was on charger in house. He had all kinds of excuses and accusations. Threats to share text msgs and msnger msgs with our mutual friends, threats to block my phone number, unfriend me on FB,etc. I felt like I was dealing with the ex all over again!!! I don't think I was over-reacting but also know that the "lense" through which I view things has been color by my ex and his manipulation. Anyone else dealt with this type situation? Almost worse because he knows how the ex treated me and I feel like he is attempting to manipulate me with his threats!!!
I'm sorry he's turned out to be like this.
love and hugs
kamary
While it hurts now just be thankful your lens is working. This could have been much worse.
Yes he has crossed a line you set for yourself. Maybe the situation gave him mixed signals. Its clear he fell for you when you did not reciprocate. That's ok. Just walk away. His threats are just his pain and his behavior is proof you no longer need him in your life.
I've had a similar situation. I started dating my musician friend last year. It started out very intense, even though I have never felt "love" for him or even remotely as attracted to him as he to me. I adore his company. His attention. But I know him enough to know he is not someone I could build a life with. We are still friends and still talk to each other every day. It is an odd relationship. I've pulled back considerably and worked hard to put it back into the "friend zone" after intimacy. Luckily for me, he is a passive, accepting man and is ok with us being just "companions". However, he still tries to initiate intimacy every now and then. It's hard for me because I do care for him and I absolutely love how he shows me appreciation and adoration. But there's just some things about him that I could never accept. Like you, I'm strong enough now to not tolerate accept those things. They are not traits that can necessarily be changed, nor do I want to try to change him. He is who he is.
So anyways, let it roll. Back off and ignore his threats. Really, whats the worst he can do? Your divorce is over. If he is going to be sharing texts and whatnot with others, he is only going to make himself look bad. No worries.
Your friend wants to more than friends now
And does not seem to accept that you don't
Maybe he wanted to be friends in the beginning
But at some point that changed
It probably changed how he interpreted your actions from then onward
For whatever reason he is not acting like a friend now
Either he changes and accepts friend mode or sadly it is in your best interest to not engage with him in any way
Don't let anyone try and manipulate you any more. Your explanation to him was enough. He is being childish.
I would strongly recommend changing your phone number. You don't need that kind of harassment.
Friends don't threaten, coerce, and try to blackmail friends. He's no longer a friend.
Bless him for the help he was, see him for the damaged person he is, and release him to his own life. You need to move on with yours, without that kind of drama and trouble.
Shortly after my divorce I 'bumped' into an old boyfriend on facebook. His ex wife cheated on him too so he had a lot of great advice for the whole divorce process and such. He lives several states away however and I don't ever see either of us moving. Plus even though he's a great friend with a great sense of humor, there were parts about us that didn't work then and don't work now. He was someone that came back into my life for a reason.
We both agreed to be just friends but sometimes I think he texts a little too frequently and I just have to separate myself from my phone. Even if we were perfectly compatible I was in a 27 year marriage and I'm not ready for anything remotely serious and I suspect you feel the same way.
Trust your gut honey, because it's leading you correctly. He's too serious and too possessive!
lemaym1.wordpress.com/