Well, I stand corrected. What I thought was going to be a fairly simple process, given the fact that there isn’t all that much to split and the kids are grown, is already turning into a nightmare and we haven’t even scratched the surface yet. Somehow I had forgotten that my STBX lives in his own world—one in which time magically expands and contracts to fit his schedule, where all he need do is wish and his desire will manifest, and where his needs are the most important. He wants this divorce immediately, like YESTERDAY. And he’s pushing and pushing. And I’m a complete pushover. He made an appointment for us to meet with a mediator, despite the fact that I told him repeatedly that I wanted to consult an attorney first. So I had to scramble to get an appointment for a consultation with an attorney, who told me that seeing a mediator is premature. Duh! But I figured if the STBX wants to waste $225 for the three of us to stare at each other, so be it.

As I was driving the hour home from work and then a half hour past our house to the mediator’s office, I thought about how tired I was after working all day and here I was going straight from work to a meeting I didn’t really see the point of (my own fault, admittedly). Then I thought, my STBX knows how far I commute every day, couldn’t he have chosen someone closer to home. Of course his drive was only about 20 minutes. We were supposed to sit down together and come up with a list of issues that we agreed about as well as the things we didn’t agree about before the appointment. We discussed a few things briefly, and couldn’t even agree upon what the issues were, yet when we sat down with the mediator he produced a full page of “ideas”, typed, double spaced and in triplicate! It was then that I realized that despite his assurances that he wasn’t “angry with me” about the past (ie, “my” debt), in his mind he still wanted me to “pay” for it. I have been “paying” for it every day for the last ten years. With my own guilt, worry, fear and sorrow, as well as with the withdrawl of his “love”, frequent snide remarks to me as well as to the kids about me, and his general lack of compassion and understanding.

The hour ended with more questions than before, but at least I have a better idea of what we’re up against. For all I really want to do this as cheaply as possible, it just might not be possible. The attorney I consulted had advised me to tell the mediator that I didn’t want to meet again until after the holidays, yet I let my STBX roll right over me and schedule the next appointment for a month from now, and that’s only because the mediator will be out of town next week, I’ll be out of town the week after, and then the next week is Thanksgiving week. Somehow I managed to nix the idea of meeting that week. Before we started I was all set to tell the mediator that I wasn’t willing to meet before January, but when the time came I just couldn’t say it.

The STBX is so adamant that this divorce be final ASAP, but the more I think about it, the more convinced I become that I want the house to at least be on the market before that happens. We haven’t the faintest idea what the house is worth in this economy but it’s probably half what it was worth a few years ago. Add to that the fact that we have some major repairs that will probably take quite a chunk out of the equity, not to mention the costs of the sale and we could very well end up barely breaking even, or worse, owing! I don’t think I can make an intelligent decision without that piece of information. The STBX has a $75K inheritance (which is considered non-marital property) from his mother sitting in an IRA to back him up. I have no savings, no resources, no family to borrow from (or to take me in when I become homeless). I have credit cards, but the one with the highest limit ($4500) also has a 31% interest rate! The other one is only $2500 and has a 17% interest rate. Attorneys want a retainer of $5000 to $7500 (cash or check, no credit) to even take your case.

I feel so defeated already. Between all the other losses I’ve suffered in the past year and now this, I just don’t have the energy or will to fight. And yes, I’m seeing a therapist and taking medication for depression, not that it seems to help much. I’m seriously questioning the assurance that “God never gives you more than you can handle” because he’s sure been dishing up a feast for me.