Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I can't believe the bullshit I fall for. Valentines was our 24 yr anniversary. I had no desire to celebrate a marriage that was ending. Three days before the soon to be x told me he bought tickets to a concert and couldn't get a refund. He doesn't have anyone else to go with and doesn't want to waste them. I told him no way was I doing anything with him. He has this unreal way of guilting me into whatever. I told him it was not a "date" or for him to have any idea that this meant I was reconciling. We have 5 kids together so maintaining some kind of a mutual relationship I believe is important. So I reluctantly agreed to use the day to start working as friends ( not spouses). Well the very next day he tried to kiss me in front of the kids, so when I refused he then went off the wall about how Im using him. I treat him like a tool. Im a real piece of shit! My kids are so very angry at me and he just keeps feeding their resentment for me by creating these scenarios. My children want nothing to do with me and are all making plans to move out with him. This entire thing is so out of control, I don't know how to turn it around. I don't want my kids to come back to me one day and ask why I didn't fight for them. So right now Im fighting for 5 teenagers who keep telling me to go die. When will this end?
Also, keep in mind...initially, most kids will feel some anger towards the parent who is leaving. Initially, my younger 3 did with their father, but now all have good relationships with him. They were able to understand that he was a good father, but a lousy husband. Your children just need time.
Stand your ground and keep your cool. What have you told your children in regards to the divorce? Do not let your stbx guilt you into anything. Have the divorce proceedings began yet?
It's too soon to worry about where the kids will be living. If you will be able to provide a place for them to stay with they are with you, you should be able to have shared custody. If you and the EX cannot come to a decision, then the court will decide. Their emotions are mixed and they don't know what is going to happen (you don't either) so they are going to say all kinds of things. For this reason, it's best not to make promises in case something doesn't work the way you planned. That is how I always did my kids, I never said I was going to do something unless it was a sure thing. They trust me.
I don't know why all five of your kids are making plans to move out but there must be a LOT more to this story then what's in this post re their anger etc. Are YOU leaving HIM? That might account for their blaming you...it doesn't mean it's "right" but kids are just that - KIDS! They don't see or know all that we, as adults and parents, are facing.
If your kids are telling you to "go die" there are some serious respect and communication issues at play here.
Don't know if you just wanted to vent, or if you want suggestions, but I got real help finding my center of gravity and strength by attending a 12 step group for co-dependency. My ex deals with addictions, and was a master at 'below the radar' manipulation. Realizing I wasn't responsible for anything but my own choices saved my life when I had to work through our divorce.
As for your kids, keep telling them you love them, be honest, and if you can't say something nice about their dad, don't say it. I kept telling my son, who was actually angry and wanting to cut off ties with my husband, to keep an open heart, that both his dad and I love him, that we loved each other when we created him (that is true with nearly everyone, right?), and that we will always do our best for him. He and his dad aren't best of buddies, but they get together once in a while, and have a relationship to work on. Considering how damaging it could have been, I'm grateful I took the positive role on that.
If my advice isn't wanted, feel free to toss it, but know either way, that I'm sending you wishes for healing for you and your kids.
To clear up some questions and assumptions:
I have known about his affair for about 3 yrs but didn't find the proof until July 4th 2014. We attended marriage counseling for 3 months but because he wouldn't stop lying I stopped and filed for the divorce in late October. I asked for an early intervention but that did nothing. We go back in March for our 6month court date. It could go another 6months beyond that. He is fighting everything just to be a dick.
Our kids ages are 16, 17, 19, 21, 23. They know everything. Because I stay quiet and don't respond to his obnoxious rants they think I'm cold and heartless. He is the king of manipulation.
I don't talk badly about him. I keep telling the kids they need to try to separate themselves from this drama. Their dad loves them and I have no intention in getting in the way of that relationship. Because he is acting like a nut they don't believe me.
It is very true that I need to become a stronger individual. When I try to take care of me he tells the kids Im being selfish and don't care about them. It will take time for them to understand and see the truth.
So you are all wondering how it is that he guilted me into going to the concert. He used the kids against me. He spent 3 days harping on me about building a new relationship for the kids sakes. The very next day he came in for a kiss, I pushed him away and he went bonkers and made a ridiculous scene. Making me look bad again.