Liz, we all have days (or a few days) of setbacks. You are human. Triggers happen for many reasons. We all wish we could control them. Be kind to yourself when you feel this way. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, today is a new day!

Ok girl its like this....we need these little "crying jags" at least I did. Then afterwards I yelled at myself. I made myself smile. I put oldies music on (love country but not the sappy, my lover left me type) I read. I did whatever had to be done to get myself together. My house was the cleanest place around. I purged cabinets, drawers, closets whatever I could get my hands on. I refused to let him get any space in my head. It's a process. A long one. I am now almost 30 days post divorce and I have never felt so good. It will happen. Just don't fault yourself for crying or pity parties. It takes us to the next phase of it all. A work in progress.

Thanks ladies. I know it's just the blues hitting me...

nohappy, I have my ups and downs but unfortunately, I am 1 YEAR post divorce. I think that is why it bothers me so much. I just think I let myself get too bored this weekend is all.

Idle hands are the devils playground and yes, he took over my head this weekend

Cantstay2 I know how you feel, I to am mad at myself when I let "him" get to me. I'm two years post separation and 6 months divorced and I still have moments where I just need to bawl my eyes out.

This past week I have slowly been sliding into a depressive state, my two year anniversary of when my world came crashing down is coming up. I am mad at myself for even giving him one more moment of thought.

But the more I think about it the more I realize its not "him" anymore, its the idea of having someone in my life.

Every time I have a breakdown it seems so hard, but I just have to remind myself that the last one was weeks or months ago. So they are getting farther and farther apart/

I've been there before and I'm sure I will be again. Hugs to you

Been there many times ............
I'm sure that it will happen again ....
There's something about being alone that gets to me . Maybe I just think more .
You were alone also ............. to much thinking ..........
My Wife will be home WED ............. Thank god ......
Cry and then just get up and move on ..again ...
Timeman

I think it's part of the process of healing, and very necessary. I'm getting close to 6 years from separation and am 4 1/2 divorced. I still have days and Saturday was one of them. Like mom2, now it seems to happen when I am a bit lonely and wishing I had a special someone - on a quiet weekend or a day with nothing planned.

I still mourn the man I married even though I've come to terms with the fact that he no longer exists.
I miss being married to someone (not him).
I grieve for the dream we ( maybe just I ) had of the future.
I miss family get-togethers with my ex and all the kids together.

Feeling sad and crying are okay, especially when you're on your own. That's when the truth has an opportunity to come out and help us to deal with the way things are. I'm amazed at the number of different things I cry over. If you never allow these thoughts and feelings, you're essentially running away from them, and one day, they'll catch up with you at a very inopportune moment or they may come out with a huge bang. Better to stand now and face them as they come up. A good crying session works wonders if you just let it happen and allow your thoughts to flow where they will. For me, they usually end in acceptance of the way things are now, and then I can get up and carry on.

love and hugs
kamary

You're forgetting that 1 YEAR post divorce is not long by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe your expectations of yourself is not reasonable. I get it , wanting to get rid of hurt seems not to happen quick enough, but much like overcoming surgery. ...its HEALING. Rather than thinking "why " it bothers you so much, try a different approach. Take your " temperature" and watch it decline. Try using intensity and frequency as your new criteria. These are measurable outcomes that indicate recovery.

The only "kick in the pants" around here you'll get is allowing yourself to being mistreated.

i found that walking helped reduce the panic feeling. and the anger. I was told my an md that walking for 1/2 hr can do amazing things. I bought myself a treadmill and every time i thought of him I walked. I walked quite a few miles til i felt better. screaming helps too. lol. seriously! I screamed too!!! loud!! they are normal because we "feel" what we think they should feel. it won't happen but we do it still. hang in there

I'm finally on the other side of the mountain and its been almost 4 years. You really do need to give yourself a break here. Its part of the process. We grieve until we have no more need to. We all grieve in different styles and length of time. For myself...I did what I needed to do to get through it. If I wanted to cry...I cried. If I needed to yell, scream and swear at the top of my lungs...I did that...but in my truck while I was driving to work not at home or in front of a real person. I had here to vent and a best friend to talk to. I've gone round and round millions of times until I couldnt talk anymore.

Allow yourself to feel the pain...work through it...even if you think you should be over it by now. Grieving left not grieved comes back to haunt you later. Dont focus on where you think you should be...focus on the moment with a picture in your mind of where you want to be...the time in between will be what it will be...Big Hugs...Kathy

I just realised I must have been a bit more tired than I thought yesterday. I'm almost 5 years post-separation and 3 1/2 years post divorce. Whoops. Feels like longer :)

Are you living in the house that you occupied together when married? If yes, and you plan on staying (nothing wrong with that although many do like a fresh start somewhere else) maybe when you're getting down in the dumps, best thing for you would be to get OUT of the house. STOP cleaning it! Easy for me to say...bit of a slob really :)

Marital homes are full of memories. Even if he is 'purged' in terms of his things gone and pictures taken down....it's where you 'shared' yourselves. Toby is right, one year post-d is NOT long! I'm two yrs post separation and 4 months divorced and sometimes...it feels like I'm really THERE! Other times......not so much!

You read it here lots, but I'll repeat: be gentle with yourself! Don't beat yourself up for feeling blue and experiencing some self-doubt about your healing. YOU are a work in progress!

One friend was super helpful to me when I got down. She would tell me to recall all of the positive and independent actions and decisions I took to that point....and THEN she would list them for me! For instance...surviving the initial 'crises'; taking care of my kids even when I didn't think I could cope myself; working with a lawyer for the first time by myself; getting my house ready for sale and then selling it with not an iota of help from him; going to therapy and reading books to assist my healing journey; etc. etc. etc!!! Your list is this long or longer!!!!

You're doing way way WAY better than you think I'm betting. Hang in there sista! hugs

I am not in the house. I left it. There was no way I could have stayed in it. Even now when I have to go back over there it makes me ill. I hope he rots there like a dead root...ooops, did I say that "out loud?"

I do list the good things that I have accomplished in the time that I have been out and it really DOES help. I know I am so much better off now and so much further along. It is just that I have those lonely moments and they hit me...HARD. Next time, I will just grab my dogs and go for a walk or take the camera out and explore for a while.

Thanks everyone, you really are the best group on these boards!

I can really relate to what you are saying. Especially the part where you said you were alone even when you were married. So here's what I did, and still do sometimes, Remember your frame of mind while you were married and alone and how you were still productive and then put yourself there. I think what happens is we can only focus on "alone" and forget "freedom" and the ability to choose for yourself what you want to do, where you want to go, etc. During these times teach yourself what you have always wanted to do if you had time. It really does work, it just takes some adjustment.

Big hugs

People here have said it before. It takes 1 year of recovery for every 5 years you were married. Now 3 1/2 years into it, I believe that to be true. I feel like I am getting better and better and the healing is almost done. I still have a day (extremely rarely) where I am blue. I also agree that exercise is a great way to heal. I believe that exercising physically, spiritually and mentally are necessary for healing!