No he can not- you must be serve with paperwork for the absolute divorce or he has to prove he has tried multiple ways to contact you.- does he know where you live? I am afraid you need to email him- Donna it is Darcy and we have been walking this road together- husbands left at the same time almost two years ago. You need to know where he is on the divorce and if he is filing. You can still partition for equitable distribution if you do not feel that the separation agreement was fair to you. If you are ok with it then you still need to file paperwork (response to his filing for absolute divorce. Go to Rosen legal- local lawyer who has great webinars and free information. I wrote our separation agreement got just about everything I wanted because he is so guilty for what he has done. We should be divorced in a few weeks- I made him file and pay the costs.

Oh gosh Donna, just reading about your 'breakdown' makes me so sad! I think I've shared with you that I also was traumatized and took a leave from my job, only to get fired! And my parents were also there for me and played a HUGE part in my recovery process. You've been through hell, but the man that you thought that you knew and loved does not exist anymore. Time will help that to sink in. It has for me!

Even though the shock of the horrible, cruel way that he discarded you has had a lasting impact on you, I urge you to read Psi's latest post about deciding to be and do positive things and NOT let divorce define her. There's a lesson in that for all of us!

Good luck in your divorce discovery process, it must be very unsettling not to know where you legally stand visa vie your marital status. Once you've got your divorce decree, I'm betting that you'll better be able to move on to the next chapter of your life.

Hugs of support and friendship (())

No, he cannot - so he's talking out his ass. If I were you, I'd file and have him served. 2 years is long enough. He wants a divorce, give him what he wants.

I think once you know it's done, you will be able to move on to a much better place yourself.

Trauma can freeze you. It's devastating and your breakdown is NORMAL for someone who gets blindsided like that. So don't you ever feel bad for feeling so heartbroken.

Isn't there a way of checking public records via internet?

You probably are not divorced. When you did your taxes how did you file?

I believe he told the daughter this because he is dating or met someone he wants to introduce. I agree you should file and get this taken care of. No need to stay married to this jerk. If you want to change your name, be sure and have it written into the decree. It makes it easier and is less expensive.

(((HUGS))))

I would start out by RE-READING whatever document you signed! To the best of my knowledge, even if it was a legal Separation Agreement, one of you would have to petition the court for an absolute divorce at some point in time. And yes, I believe YOU would have to be notified of such a proceeding.

What a total bum to dump all of that on you when you were at your weakest -- review that document and if there's anything you agreed to that you really didn't INTEND to, you may be able to have it rescinded based on your mental capacity at the time it was signed.

Do you still have the name of the attorney he used? If so, contact the attorney instead of the ex. If you have had no contact with the ex, there is no reason to start now! Try his attorney, if you can't get answers there, then hire your own & have them check for you. Like the others have said, I doubt he can divorce you without notification, so I imagine you are only separated. As hard as it might be, serving him with divorce papers might be liberating for you. It's nice to have a feeling of taking the drivers seat after being blindsided.
Many hugs to you.

I would start with contacting his attorney, or at least hiring one of your own to check into things. Check too if signing something under duress is binding in this circumstance.
It's time for you to start taking care of you now, and you don't want to be legally bound to this guy in any way shape of form. I was held in limbo financially until our divorce was final, worrying about how much damage he could do to our credit while he was acting out on his addictions. I got lucky, and that was while we were working cooperatively to get divorced! Can't imagine what could have happened had he been hell bent on damaging me.
Take the initiative here to find out what's what and get on your new journey.
Best of luck.

I can so relate to the X hitting you at your lowest. A month after bringing our D home from a 6 month hospital stay after a car accident that left her paralyzed, he drops the DDay bomb on me I don't love you anymore!!! I was eventually treated with PTSD from the trauma of my D and then topped it off with the Divorce. I too was not capable to make any decisions...NONE. I couldn't eat, shower, function daily because I was so wrapped up in my D life and bringing her home and how to heal and get her back. She was also had a traumatic brain injury. Through all this he wanted to work on the marriage even went to counseling twice...for our marriage NOT for the trauma of the event. I look back and realize he did it all for show. To show HE tried to work it out. He had someone in the wings the entire time. I told him maybe a separation would help us tie things back together as we were in process of relocating BUT that I was in no way capable to make any decision on our marriage. He RAN ALL THE WAY TO THE LAWYER with that one. There was no remorse or looking back. NONE. They are so focused on themselves to even consider the implications or consequences or your own feelings and what you're going thru. It's textbook material.

So glad you picked yourself up and are standing tall and now taking charge of your destiny and making the process of divorce complete. Anyone that can do what they did after being with you that many years and can betray you with a blink of eye is NOT the person you deserve.

Go after that divorce and get your name and dignity back!

Thanks everyone for such great support and advice! First I will get in touch with his lawyer since I do have his name on the Legal Separation Doc. That states that all financial decisions cannot be changed anymore even if a divorce is obtained later. We split our money but there was very little because he sunk all we worked for in a dying business that he wanted to succeed and refinanced our mortgage at the time a few times to get money. So the only thing left were our retirement programs (he finally declared bankruptcy on the business and has been working since 2007 and so has a retirement account now). After we finally paid off the companies he owed money to we were able to get on our feet again. I had more retirement put away because I had been working longer in a stable job as a teacher - I also supported us when he wasn't earning much because business went so downhill since 2001. But of course I considered everything we had "ours" and I was willing to do whatever I had to so he could be happy. So after the separation his threat was that if I did not sign the Separation Agreement he would sue for 1/2 of my retirement. I couldn't believe that because I had worked hard for that and he did not make good financial decisions when holding onto the business. He spent a few hundred thousand dollars from house refinancing to keep business afloat because it was all about his self-esteem to be successful. And because he didn't have any degrees or training in other careers. I think it always bothered him that I was a nurse and then a teacher so that may be why he couldn't fail in a business he started. I was so hurt that he would threaten me about money since I supported him for such a long time. And my parents had just given us 10K as a gift to use for our new home we were building in our move to Raleigh. So that was split - too bad they didn't give it to me after the separation because he got some of that too. Oh well, I am rambling now. But I will check about getting a divorce - just scary because I don't want anything to do with him and he has lied to his family that this was my decision to separate. I don't understand the rationale of doing that at all. I still think sometimes that he is such a kind person and it must be me that caused him to leave and be miserable. But I know in my heart if he had been emotionally available and physically affectionate I would have been so happy that most of our issues would not have been. I am taking responsibility for my part but now think it may have been for the best. I am definitely doing better than I thought I would be because he was my whole life. But not anymore - and all of my other relationships are better because I am less anxious and more carefree now. I do appreciate certain things more.

Again I am rambling so I will say good night to all. Thanks again to all my friends!
Hugs,
Donn

In NC you have to be legally separated for 1 year before you can file for divorce. Has it been a year?

Oh shoot...sorry, I misread the 20 months to 2 months.

Donna, I'm not up on the legal side of things over there, but it sounds like you're not officially divorced to me. If you were, you should have the papers.

It's not uncommon for exes to lie about the circumstances of the split, especially if they're hiding an affair partner, or if they want to get people onside (play the victim).

I love that you're feeling less anxious and more carefree now. I agree with MNMama. I think you'll feel so much better when the divorce is finally legally over and done.

love and hugs
kamary

Thanks Kate,
You are probably right about him wanting his extended family to think it was me. He doesn't have anyone else - he lives with one of our daughters now and sold that house he bought so he could help her out with her bills. He was actually going to buy it from her but she changed her mind. I would rather he lived alone and she got another roommate her age. But they get along fine and they are company for each other now. She had recently broken up with a long-time relationship and was glad for the company.

I think another part of this may be that he doesn't want to look like the "bad one" to his family so he said it was my decision. To my children he blamed me for all of his unhappiness. Told them that I was going to give him a heart attack and his life was at stake. He has no heart problems at all. Also said that I was driving him to alcoholism because he said he woke up in the middle of the night totally miserable and unhappy and would have a drink. This was my fault like so many other things?? Really?

Don't really care anymore about his stories. I know the truth. My children are closer to me because of the way I am now and not complaining to them about him. I am cheerful and making my own life and my children and friends enjoy being around a happy person that is me most of the time. If I am down I hide it from them. Most people need to surround themselves with positivity not a negative person.
Love and hugs,
Donna

Was the gift from your parents comingled with marital funds? If I was kept separate, you should have been able to keep it. My EX kept the gifts his parents gave us because they were separate (in CD's).

Best of luck to you