Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
After almost 2 years post-separation, divorce finally pending (I am waiting for post office to send me notice to pick up papers) I realized the other day that I am still so in love with my STBX. I still refer to him when I talk to anyone as my husband and my best friend told me to stop that. When I went to Fla. a few weeks ago she told me that I have not really moved on and am stuck. Of course she didn't mean living my life as I have been very independent and worked hard to get out and socialize, etc. She meant emotionally I haven't moved ahead. She said it was obvious and that people notice that even if I try to cover up and act happy as we went out to dinner with some of her friends.
The other day during a meeting at work I saw a male co-workers leg (he was wearing shorts as we are casual because students not there until Mon) and I thought about my husband's leg and how much I would love to kiss his leg. I know it sounds crazy but all I do lately is imagine he wants to come back and how much I want to be with him again. I am consumed with guilt that I could have done X, Y and Z to keep my marriage. I want this to end because it is causing me to have less joy and think that I will be like this until I die. I am only 59 and will probably live a long time (longevity in my family) and I do not want to live this way just feeling like I need to exist.
I have gone on a handful of dates with different men but I do not feel attracted even though they have been such nice guys. I hope that it is not because of my husband but rather that I just have not met the "right" one. I know I am probably not ready to date but I am not getting any younger. I miss having someone that cares about your day and talking about different things while having dinner together. I miss the companionship as it gets lonely in the evenings at home after work. I have things I can go out and do with others but I miss just being comfortable at home with someone.
I am struggling with whether I should block the thoughts and pain I have been having and keep busy or experience them to work through them. I feel that I was doing better about 6 months to a year ago but now that the "dust has settled" and the shock has worn off (more or less) - I still can't believe he stopped loving me - I am feeling more hopeless about being happy someday. I have reverted back to looking at everyone's wedding rings in public and being envious that they are still married. I was so proud of that status for so long and feel less of a person without that title.
I have been holding off writing this because I hoped that the feelings would go away and I would feel better but I have not. Should I keep allowing myself to feel the pain and dwell on these feelings OR stifle them down and change that channel in my head? It has been 2 years this Aug. and maybe it is time to finally ACCEPT. I know that I have been having such a hard time accepting this. I still wake up every morning and wish it was a dream.
Thanks,
Donna
The other day during a meeting at work I saw a male co-workers leg (he was wearing shorts as we are casual because students not there until Mon) and I thought about my husband's leg and how much I would love to kiss his leg. I know it sounds crazy but all I do lately is imagine he wants to come back and how much I want to be with him again. I am consumed with guilt that I could have done X, Y and Z to keep my marriage. I want this to end because it is causing me to have less joy and think that I will be like this until I die. I am only 59 and will probably live a long time (longevity in my family) and I do not want to live this way just feeling like I need to exist.
I have gone on a handful of dates with different men but I do not feel attracted even though they have been such nice guys. I hope that it is not because of my husband but rather that I just have not met the "right" one. I know I am probably not ready to date but I am not getting any younger. I miss having someone that cares about your day and talking about different things while having dinner together. I miss the companionship as it gets lonely in the evenings at home after work. I have things I can go out and do with others but I miss just being comfortable at home with someone.
I am struggling with whether I should block the thoughts and pain I have been having and keep busy or experience them to work through them. I feel that I was doing better about 6 months to a year ago but now that the "dust has settled" and the shock has worn off (more or less) - I still can't believe he stopped loving me - I am feeling more hopeless about being happy someday. I have reverted back to looking at everyone's wedding rings in public and being envious that they are still married. I was so proud of that status for so long and feel less of a person without that title.
I have been holding off writing this because I hoped that the feelings would go away and I would feel better but I have not. Should I keep allowing myself to feel the pain and dwell on these feelings OR stifle them down and change that channel in my head? It has been 2 years this Aug. and maybe it is time to finally ACCEPT. I know that I have been having such a hard time accepting this. I still wake up every morning and wish it was a dream.
Thanks,
Donna
I too have conversations with my ex (to myself usually and at times with him in person) and I hesitate to tell anyone about this because they all think I should let him go and move forward. They don't get it. If another woman were the issue, I would like to think it would be easier to let him go. I don't know. My counselor keeps telling me that I'm in love with a MYTH, he was never the man I seem to think he was, sigh.
I seem to be back tracking instead of moving on, from what I read on DS I guess this is normal. Maybe the numbness is wearing off, maybe the reality of my life is sinking in, whatever it is, it can be discouraging and definitely affects my current relationship. Am I in love with a Myth? How do I remember the bad things he did instead of the good things?????
Anyhoo, I guess we just keep coming here to share and get comfort on our hard days. Hugs everyone~
I too still love my wasband, but after some serious work, I was able to see that the romantic, "in love" emotions were not based in reality, they were based on what I hoped we had, what I dreamed of, in reality, my "in denial" perspective of our relationship. Someone said it very well, I still love him, but I'm no longer in love with him.
It's hard moving through this, and it often helps to have help, a dear friend that will listen and listen, yet will call you on your BS when you visit that river in Egypt ( 'de Nile!), and keep you accountable, or, perhaps, a professional therapist or counselor with experience in divorce and co-dependency.
Hoping you know you help us so much, as do the others. I've grown and learned so much from the good people here. Thank you and everyone. Not sure how I would have continued on without you all.
KRK - thanks so much for checking in with me. I am doing better actually. My dog of 15 years passed away last Tuesday and I have been so sad and lonely without him. But I did realize that I did not think about how much I needed my STBX's support. He did not even send me an email or text to tell me how sorry he was. He knew that dog was the light of my life and that I would take it so badly and so it showed me how little he cares for me. He didn't even do what a kind person would do and so it just makes me like him less. But I had my daughters and sister with me when Rocky was put to sleep (he had sudden heart failure and I didn't want him to suffer a single day) and I felt so loved and supported that I realized this was a step toward to detaching from him. I appreciated who I had with me rather than yearn for his presence and support. Looking back on that the next day it felt good to reach such a "milestone." I know there will be hard times but I can see some progress at times.
You are so kind and give everyone such great advice and support and I love to read your posts. I hope you are also doing well and that your daughters are too.
Big hugs,
Donna
It's good to hear that you realised what matters is who is willing to be there for you, and not whether your ex is nice or not. He's not nice or you would still be together. It took me a while to get a handle on that idea, too. Now I prefer it if he just leaves me alone.
lots of love and big hugs
kamary
Hope you are all doing fine. Enjoy the rest of the week,
Big Hugs to all of you,
Donna
Sending you lots of hugs.
Kim
German Shepard and is perfect in everyway. The former owner has health problems so she offered her to
me.
I lost my "best dog ever" a year and a half before my wasband asked for the divorce, and not a day goes by without wishing he were still on this earth with me, but he, and your Rocky, are still with us in our hearts, and will be by our sides again some day.
When I started fostering a little Shih Tzu rescue, my geriatric cat adopted her outright and they are now best buddies and keep me company, and laughing. I hope someday another little companion finds you.
Sending a hug, from one dog lover to another.