Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
After almost 2 years post-separation, divorce finally pending (I am waiting for post office to send me notice to pick up papers) I realized the other day that I am still so in love with my STBX. I still refer to him when I talk to anyone as my husband and my best friend told me to stop that. When I went to Fla. a few weeks ago she told me that I have not really moved on and am stuck. Of course she didn't mean living my life as I have been very independent and worked hard to get out and socialize, etc. She meant emotionally I haven't moved ahead. She said it was obvious and that people notice that even if I try to cover up and act happy as we went out to dinner with some of her friends.
The other day during a meeting at work I saw a male co-workers leg (he was wearing shorts as we are casual because students not there until Mon) and I thought about my husband's leg and how much I would love to kiss his leg. I know it sounds crazy but all I do lately is imagine he wants to come back and how much I want to be with him again. I am consumed with guilt that I could have done X, Y and Z to keep my marriage. I want this to end because it is causing me to have less joy and think that I will be like this until I die. I am only 59 and will probably live a long time (longevity in my family) and I do not want to live this way just feeling like I need to exist.
I have gone on a handful of dates with different men but I do not feel attracted even though they have been such nice guys. I hope that it is not because of my husband but rather that I just have not met the "right" one. I know I am probably not ready to date but I am not getting any younger. I miss having someone that cares about your day and talking about different things while having dinner together. I miss the companionship as it gets lonely in the evenings at home after work. I have things I can go out and do with others but I miss just being comfortable at home with someone.
I am struggling with whether I should block the thoughts and pain I have been having and keep busy or experience them to work through them. I feel that I was doing better about 6 months to a year ago but now that the "dust has settled" and the shock has worn off (more or less) - I still can't believe he stopped loving me - I am feeling more hopeless about being happy someday. I have reverted back to looking at everyone's wedding rings in public and being envious that they are still married. I was so proud of that status for so long and feel less of a person without that title.
I have been holding off writing this because I hoped that the feelings would go away and I would feel better but I have not. Should I keep allowing myself to feel the pain and dwell on these feelings OR stifle them down and change that channel in my head? It has been 2 years this Aug. and maybe it is time to finally ACCEPT. I know that I have been having such a hard time accepting this. I still wake up every morning and wish it was a dream.
Thanks,
Donna
The other day during a meeting at work I saw a male co-workers leg (he was wearing shorts as we are casual because students not there until Mon) and I thought about my husband's leg and how much I would love to kiss his leg. I know it sounds crazy but all I do lately is imagine he wants to come back and how much I want to be with him again. I am consumed with guilt that I could have done X, Y and Z to keep my marriage. I want this to end because it is causing me to have less joy and think that I will be like this until I die. I am only 59 and will probably live a long time (longevity in my family) and I do not want to live this way just feeling like I need to exist.
I have gone on a handful of dates with different men but I do not feel attracted even though they have been such nice guys. I hope that it is not because of my husband but rather that I just have not met the "right" one. I know I am probably not ready to date but I am not getting any younger. I miss having someone that cares about your day and talking about different things while having dinner together. I miss the companionship as it gets lonely in the evenings at home after work. I have things I can go out and do with others but I miss just being comfortable at home with someone.
I am struggling with whether I should block the thoughts and pain I have been having and keep busy or experience them to work through them. I feel that I was doing better about 6 months to a year ago but now that the "dust has settled" and the shock has worn off (more or less) - I still can't believe he stopped loving me - I am feeling more hopeless about being happy someday. I have reverted back to looking at everyone's wedding rings in public and being envious that they are still married. I was so proud of that status for so long and feel less of a person without that title.
I have been holding off writing this because I hoped that the feelings would go away and I would feel better but I have not. Should I keep allowing myself to feel the pain and dwell on these feelings OR stifle them down and change that channel in my head? It has been 2 years this Aug. and maybe it is time to finally ACCEPT. I know that I have been having such a hard time accepting this. I still wake up every morning and wish it was a dream.
Thanks,
Donna
I would never advocate blocking the thoughts and pain. This only makes things worse. Instead, sit with the thoughts and pain and let them envelope you. It's going to hurt like hell, but that truly the only way to finally move past the pain. I've noticed that at times of great stress or at times when my normally busy social life settles into a lull I'm more susceptible to falling backwards into despair and missing my ex. What I'm really missing is being loved and adored, not the man who left, but the feelings of being an important part of someone's life. Little by little, try your best to separate these out. Then, when you feel sad and lonely, you'll realize is not your ex that you miss. You simply miss being loved and cherished, and it will happen again for you. Of that I'm sure. You have way too much to offer for your story to end any other way.
my true self come out. And it is working.
I wish you luck and give yourself permission to have any feelings that you need to. This is a long project,
they were a big part of our lives for a long time. And a little bit of my heart will always know that.
Hugs
Exploring your reasons for continuing your "love" ideals requires insight. We take off the rose tinted glasses and rewrite our beliefs patterns. Try reading books by Drs. Henrt Cloud and JohnTownsend. Rewriting your boundaries and choosing safe relationships are the subjects.
Look honestly at who you are and who he is today. Let the tears fall for the man you loved and married. He's not that man any more and it's ok to grieve for him. Spend lots of time. Cry, scream, hit cushions, let it out. Allow the thoughts to flow no matter what they are. Say out loud the things you'd like to say to him if he were there. Imagine his responses and answer them too. Tell God how you feel and that you want Him to help you. Write things down and burn them later as you bid farewell.
I'm afraid I would be in the looney bin if my neighbours had ever overheard some of the conversations I had with my imaginary ex and with myself during these grief sessions. LOL. And it worked! So my advice is "let her rip!"
Thinking of you
love and hugs
kamary
And, remember that when you see all those wedding rings, those people are not necessarily all happy as you imagine. Some might have great marriages, but others might be living a secret nightmare. I, also have to remind myself of this all the time. I feel like I am giving myself advice as well as you! LOL, because I am probably not much further along emotionally than you are, although I have dated more.
Hang in there honey. Hugs.
sending you lots of healing thoughts.
I would also like to feel like I can help others more on this site. I did a few months ago but do not feel like I can offer authentic support feeling as I do at this time. Perhaps some can identify with my feelings and understand that they are not alone.
I am sending you all the positive vibes I can muster. Big hugs to you this day.
xoxo
I still wake up some days thinking "Is this all there is now? What on earth am I doing here?" I understand your fear that you may end up like your mother, holding on to anger and bitterness and being miserable. When I get that way, I remind myself how important it is that our kids have a mother, the part that a grandmother plays in a child's life, all the people I deliver meals to, the friends who call to talk about their lives or ask what I think. As a teacher, you can appreciate the many lives you touch, the people whose lives are the richer for having known you. Have no doubt - you're life isn't as empty as you think. Be grateful for everything you have, live in the moment as much as possible, look at the sky, the flowers, watch the animals, go for a walk barefoot and find yourself and joy again.
love and hugs
kamary
love and hugs
kamary