Today is a bad day. I have no car and probably wont for the whole week. A head gasket repair is expensive and lengthy. My son has said I could use his car on Tues. and Thurs. for work, but I have no transportation for Mon, Wed or Fri. My stbx treats me as if I was never his wife, and is very reluctant to even help me. The kicker is, we are trading vehicles, and if we would have done it a month ago, this would be his problem. So in essence I'm getting my car fixed to give it over to him.

It really hurts to know that I mean absolutely nothing to him. I can't wait until I no longer have to call him for ANYTHING. I pray that day comes soon. He knows I have nobody else I can call - nobody. I don't have any money because I'm giving him as much as I can since he's laid off. I have to come up with $300 in a week for the labor on my car and since he's already given me $200 yesterday for the parts, you can bet you ass he won't be contributing any more.

Now I have to call him and ask if I can use his car for Mon,Wed,Fri and I know he's going to give me a hard time. He can use his parents on those days and since he's laid off, maybe he could just chill at home for a change. But I know without a doubt that since he doesn't care, he'll give me all kinds of reasons why he can't do that.

I am so overwhelmed by all this right now. Not so much the pain of the divorce, but the pain of meaning nothing to him after 23 years. I just don't get that and I never will.

Every time I take a few steps forward, something knocks me back down again and I am so tired of the constant worry about money. I just want my life to be normal - normal income, normal days and nights. I am trying so hard to move forward in a positive way with my life and it's days like today that make me feel like I've been kicked in the teeth.

I don't want to cry anymore. I just want my life back - not with him, just a normal life of my own for a change. 2008 has taken it's toll on my mind, my emotions, my physical well being, my happiness and today I'm having a pity-party.

My son - so great - "Mom, this is only temporary" and he is so right, but it's hard to get out of the slump when the little things in life keep bringin you down.

Thanks for listening - I don't normally feel sorry for myself as I know I am a strong capable woman - but just for now, I am overwhelmed.