Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Today is a bad day. I have no car and probably wont for the whole week. A head gasket repair is expensive and lengthy. My son has said I could use his car on Tues. and Thurs. for work, but I have no transportation for Mon, Wed or Fri. My stbx treats me as if I was never his wife, and is very reluctant to even help me. The kicker is, we are trading vehicles, and if we would have done it a month ago, this would be his problem. So in essence I'm getting my car fixed to give it over to him.
It really hurts to know that I mean absolutely nothing to him. I can't wait until I no longer have to call him for ANYTHING. I pray that day comes soon. He knows I have nobody else I can call - nobody. I don't have any money because I'm giving him as much as I can since he's laid off. I have to come up with $300 in a week for the labor on my car and since he's already given me $200 yesterday for the parts, you can bet you ass he won't be contributing any more.
Now I have to call him and ask if I can use his car for Mon,Wed,Fri and I know he's going to give me a hard time. He can use his parents on those days and since he's laid off, maybe he could just chill at home for a change. But I know without a doubt that since he doesn't care, he'll give me all kinds of reasons why he can't do that.
I am so overwhelmed by all this right now. Not so much the pain of the divorce, but the pain of meaning nothing to him after 23 years. I just don't get that and I never will.
Every time I take a few steps forward, something knocks me back down again and I am so tired of the constant worry about money. I just want my life to be normal - normal income, normal days and nights. I am trying so hard to move forward in a positive way with my life and it's days like today that make me feel like I've been kicked in the teeth.
I don't want to cry anymore. I just want my life back - not with him, just a normal life of my own for a change. 2008 has taken it's toll on my mind, my emotions, my physical well being, my happiness and today I'm having a pity-party.
My son - so great - "Mom, this is only temporary" and he is so right, but it's hard to get out of the slump when the little things in life keep bringin you down.
Thanks for listening - I don't normally feel sorry for myself as I know I am a strong capable woman - but just for now, I am overwhelmed.
It really hurts to know that I mean absolutely nothing to him. I can't wait until I no longer have to call him for ANYTHING. I pray that day comes soon. He knows I have nobody else I can call - nobody. I don't have any money because I'm giving him as much as I can since he's laid off. I have to come up with $300 in a week for the labor on my car and since he's already given me $200 yesterday for the parts, you can bet you ass he won't be contributing any more.
Now I have to call him and ask if I can use his car for Mon,Wed,Fri and I know he's going to give me a hard time. He can use his parents on those days and since he's laid off, maybe he could just chill at home for a change. But I know without a doubt that since he doesn't care, he'll give me all kinds of reasons why he can't do that.
I am so overwhelmed by all this right now. Not so much the pain of the divorce, but the pain of meaning nothing to him after 23 years. I just don't get that and I never will.
Every time I take a few steps forward, something knocks me back down again and I am so tired of the constant worry about money. I just want my life to be normal - normal income, normal days and nights. I am trying so hard to move forward in a positive way with my life and it's days like today that make me feel like I've been kicked in the teeth.
I don't want to cry anymore. I just want my life back - not with him, just a normal life of my own for a change. 2008 has taken it's toll on my mind, my emotions, my physical well being, my happiness and today I'm having a pity-party.
My son - so great - "Mom, this is only temporary" and he is so right, but it's hard to get out of the slump when the little things in life keep bringin you down.
Thanks for listening - I don't normally feel sorry for myself as I know I am a strong capable woman - but just for now, I am overwhelmed.
I guess the steps forward and then backwards it the path to healing and is normal (whatever that is!). You know, I love yoga and they say you when you are stretching, you will gradually get further and then suddenly, you will be tight and not be able to stretch as far. Following that tightness, you will take move forward again. I beleive our healing is the same way!
It does hurt like Hell, but it is what it is and there is not a damn thing we can do about it, except for to keep taking those steps forward! The day will come when we will not have to fall back on them. I hate it as well, because it is an ego boost to them. There is nothing we can do about that.
Cry it out and then shake it off and continue on your path! You are a strong and great person and you will eventually get through this!
Just think about how sweet that KARMA will be! Hang in there, my friend! Sending you many hugs and strength to get through this.
Granted the man is layed off (and you should NOT be paying him a cent!) and is supposed to give you his car anyway, so he should do the right thing and give it to you now. No sense in two people being out of work! But he can not be counted on to do the right thing.
There are plenty of people in your life (neighbors, divorce care, coworkers, church members) that would love to offer some help! You would not be burdening anybody! Just ask. Its okay to ask for help. Being strong and capable doesn't mean you need to carry all the weight all the time.
We set ourselves up everytime we ask our stbx's for anything.
The following is just an observation and I mean no harm because I have great respect for you. You are strong and smart and extremely capable. You write and talk about getting this divorce done and owning your own life, but everytime something comes up you run to him as if you were still couple. I don't blame you! The couple mentality is hard to shake! Getting money from him all these months was like getting blood from a stone but you keep going back. F- HIM!
This man is holding you back! You could run circles around this man financially, emotionally and mentally!
Have faith in yourself. You are awesome. You will do this! Many many many hugs!!!!!!
I know how it feels to not have anyone but him to depend on but them, its ok, they helped to create these messes (or in some cases did it all themselves) they can help to fix it.
You are getting your life back and you are doing it with dignity and grace. Each time we push through the piles of crap we are a little bit more in control. Hold your head high and know how great you are!
Many hugs to you my friend
If he won't, tell him that he will need to drive you to and from work.
Hugs.
I also know the feeling that you mean nothing to him. My ex would and still does go out of his way to help all kinds of "users" but if I asked him for anything his answer became a vindictive and nasty during this. I fortunately did not have to ask him for anything during the divorce, for he would not even answer an email when I asked him where the outlets came out on the property for the sump pump....stuff like that. He is more angry since the divorce is done, and I have found that happens also, the one that wants the divorce so much is the one that is so angry.
We all get overwhelmed, and you are strong person and you will get through this.
You could demand that you trade cars now, if that was the intent all along - I don't know when (or even if) he stopped caring but he has to care about whether you get to work or not!
I had surgery last week and my stbx got wind of it, tried to use it to get back into the house... to "feed the pets". Uh huh. He has sticky fingers now, since his prostitute won't extend love without cash. I have not seen him since july, may never see him again. But I don't have kids.....so I am not compelled.....
Anyway..... you are doing an awesome job, w love you and will happily encourage you to vent so you can feel better and keep on keepin' on.
It is so utterly painful to experience their coldness towards us.
I guess the bottom line is, they detached and started not loving us a long time ago, and they just weren't honest with us. So, now, when their loving spouse gig is up, we are faced rather suddenly with the reality of the situation...a reality they deceptively kept from us for so long.
We would have done much better if they'd had the guts to be honest with us. They didn't do us any favors by leading their double lives and keeping us in the dark about OUR LIVES.
We are now forced to live a reality we weren't even aware existed. The pain of accepting this weirdness is unbearable.
I think the thing I hate about my husband most is that he denied me the right to make decisions about my own life, when he decided to keep me in the dark about where he was in terms of our relationship. I was forced to live his lie.
I am so sorry Chrissy. I feel your hurt because I know it. I do not understand these people who do this to us. My shrink says that is a good thing, because not being able to understand it means I am not capable of doing it to someone. Our husbands are not very good people, I am sad to say. A good person wouldn't do this to anyone, moreless someone they said they loved, or at least once loved.
I will pray for you, that your needs will be met.