Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I am so afraid that there could be someone else in my hubands life. I cannot shake this feeling. I have absolutely no proof what-so-ever and I have a very overactive imagination so am I conjuring up things to fit my thoughts or are they really there. There seems to be a plausable explanation for almost everything but then I can turn it into a full-fledge affair too. I'm driving myself nuts. I am consumed by this.
I want a definate answer and I may already have it but I'm not satisfied with it. The answer that I know right now is NO he's not having an affair so why am I so consumed all of a sudden with the possibility that there is someone else. Is it because everyone has filled my head with this thought so now I think it must be true. You know the "power of suggestion". Our mind is such a powerful tool and can manipulate us in ways we are not even aware of. I don't want to hear people say "oh, yes he must be having an affair, why else would he leave". There really are lots of reasons and yes that could be one of them, but up until now, for the last 5 months I have never thought it was. Now all of sudden I can't get the thought out of my mind. Like I said I'm driving myself nuts.
If there is another woman in his life, even after he left, than I know my marriage is over and I'm so afraid of that. I've been trying to hold onto this marriage, trying to save it, trying to give him time to see the what an idiot he's been until he comes back home. This is all I want in life right now. So the idea that there could be another woman scares the shit out of me. But once again, I have absolutely no proof at all.
I need positive reinforcement that some marriages just end because of mid-life crisis. He wants time and space and no worries. It doesn't always have to include another woman even though some attorney's state thats always the case. It very well might NOT be the case this time. I know a lot of you on this web-site have been burned by the OW, but that doesn't mean everyone has been, right. I need some positive thoughts here from the DS group.
Please don't speculate like I am - I can do that all on my own.
I want a definate answer and I may already have it but I'm not satisfied with it. The answer that I know right now is NO he's not having an affair so why am I so consumed all of a sudden with the possibility that there is someone else. Is it because everyone has filled my head with this thought so now I think it must be true. You know the "power of suggestion". Our mind is such a powerful tool and can manipulate us in ways we are not even aware of. I don't want to hear people say "oh, yes he must be having an affair, why else would he leave". There really are lots of reasons and yes that could be one of them, but up until now, for the last 5 months I have never thought it was. Now all of sudden I can't get the thought out of my mind. Like I said I'm driving myself nuts.
If there is another woman in his life, even after he left, than I know my marriage is over and I'm so afraid of that. I've been trying to hold onto this marriage, trying to save it, trying to give him time to see the what an idiot he's been until he comes back home. This is all I want in life right now. So the idea that there could be another woman scares the shit out of me. But once again, I have absolutely no proof at all.
I need positive reinforcement that some marriages just end because of mid-life crisis. He wants time and space and no worries. It doesn't always have to include another woman even though some attorney's state thats always the case. It very well might NOT be the case this time. I know a lot of you on this web-site have been burned by the OW, but that doesn't mean everyone has been, right. I need some positive thoughts here from the DS group.
Please don't speculate like I am - I can do that all on my own.
I am sorry that I didnt have a better answer or reply...But know I am thinking of you.
Hey I am right there with you. Mine left too with a "mid-life crisis" and I also hear that it must be someone else. I don't have proof either but it is in my mind too. Some days I want to believe him that there isn't someone else but then why would you just leave after 20 years? It doesn't make any sense. I know I don't have the time, energy, or gas money to follow him around to see. Yes, I would love to know and get some closure but I am hoping somehow God will give me strength to just get thru this and focus on myself and my kids. It drives you nuts but even if they are there is nothing we can really do about it- just like them leaving for no reason. Remember- it was not our fault. Know that I am thinking about you and wish you bunches of hugs and peace.
My STBX does love the OW, but knowing that did not change my feelings for a long time. Yes, I was angry and I always told him that would be it, but in the end I gave everything I knew to try to hold our marriage together!
What you need to do, is try not to make more or less out of it. You need to decide if you love the man he is now and if he decides to try to work things out, will you be happy. You need to decide how long you are willing to wait for him! You need to be sure you are be treated like you deserve to be treated! That is what matters.
I know mine has treated me very poorly over the last 19 months and it took me a long time to separate and then another 5 months to get pissed off enough to move in the direction of divorce. And I still haven't filed.
You need to decide what is best for you! Everyone's situation is different and you need to assess your relationship based on your life with your H! Regardless, you will have support and caring here! Hang in there and take care of yourself!
Hugs to you!
They are people here that didn't have an affair break up their marriage and I pray you're one of them.
Maybe he will be back soon. I think you should talk to a therapist. It helped me so much. I also went to divorcecare and went on anti-depressants. You and your husband should go to divorcecare. It's for people considering divorce, going thru one and also for people already divorced. That could be a huge wake up for your husband. It's shocking, sad and so heartbreaking.
Hugs to you.
Be careful what you wish for.
Do we want things this way...no, is there anything we can do...yes...Take care of ourselves...and take life one step at a time, regardless of what those steps are. Gradually, I am trying to let go of my search for why because I know there is no rational reason!
Hugs to you!
While in the midst of all the craziness it is sooooo easy to let our imaginations wonder to the " what ifs" ? Those feelings and thoughts alone are enough to make us insane. Really what we can do is think about what we know to be true today? Focus on the positive things that you have in your life now and why they make you feel good? Your children, your friends any positive distractions... Keep doing those things and stay away from negative thoughts and negative people.I dont know what your faith is? But trusting in GOD Will also help you through this!!