Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Although my husband announced over the phone that he "wanted out" after 34 years of marriage just 4 months ago I have been really working hard to move on. I have been going to work, volunteering at a shelter, going to my therapist, reading many books, going to different support and social meetup.com groups and have been feeling much better and proud of myself for being strong. I just signed a contract to buy a home in the same development as my daughter and her family - it is across the street from where my husband and I had a house built that he cancelled just a few weeks before we were to close on it when he ended our marriage. Ironic, isn't it? But I want to be near my daughter and her family. Still no twins - she will have a C-section this Wed. if they don't come on their own.
Anyway, I was feeling so empowered but forgot about the rollercoaster many mention on this forum. Yesterday, it started going downhill and today I hit the bottom big time. I have been crying and feeling so utterly depressed and hopeless. I even went all the way back to feeling that my life will never be happy again and what is the point of trying anymore. I ruminate about the good times we had (not why I wasn't truly happy in the marriage) and can't believe someone who loved me for so long would leave me. I constantly think about when did he stop loving me and all the hurtful things he said such as that he should have left me a long time ago. The only contact we have had is through email because I needed some documents for the mortgage company and he was nasty in his responses. Unlike the past where I would have asked him why he was being so nasty I decided not to even respond to the emails. That was extremely hard for me but I figured it would bother him more if I ignored them. But he probably doesn't care at all just like he doesn't care about me now.
He tells my family that he is doing better now without me and that hurts so badly. My daughter thinks I have been strong and will be happier in the long run. But I feel so empty and sad. I can't believe my life turned out this way - I thought the only way we would separate was through death someday. I feel weak and needy and wish I could have a man to love and cherish me although I know this is not the answer to my sadness and loneliness - at least not yet. But I will be 58 in May and worry that I am getting older and less attractive and will spend the rest of my life alone. I really enjoy being married and don't want to live alone the rest of my life.
I know I am just reaching out to all of you because of emotions and worry that I will never get over my husband. I think of us when we were dating and just married, raising our 3 kids and get so overwhelmed with grief that my marriage is over now. I just needed to write this down and I hope that things will get better soon for me and for some of you that are suffering too.
Thanks for listening,
Donna
Anyway, I was feeling so empowered but forgot about the rollercoaster many mention on this forum. Yesterday, it started going downhill and today I hit the bottom big time. I have been crying and feeling so utterly depressed and hopeless. I even went all the way back to feeling that my life will never be happy again and what is the point of trying anymore. I ruminate about the good times we had (not why I wasn't truly happy in the marriage) and can't believe someone who loved me for so long would leave me. I constantly think about when did he stop loving me and all the hurtful things he said such as that he should have left me a long time ago. The only contact we have had is through email because I needed some documents for the mortgage company and he was nasty in his responses. Unlike the past where I would have asked him why he was being so nasty I decided not to even respond to the emails. That was extremely hard for me but I figured it would bother him more if I ignored them. But he probably doesn't care at all just like he doesn't care about me now.
He tells my family that he is doing better now without me and that hurts so badly. My daughter thinks I have been strong and will be happier in the long run. But I feel so empty and sad. I can't believe my life turned out this way - I thought the only way we would separate was through death someday. I feel weak and needy and wish I could have a man to love and cherish me although I know this is not the answer to my sadness and loneliness - at least not yet. But I will be 58 in May and worry that I am getting older and less attractive and will spend the rest of my life alone. I really enjoy being married and don't want to live alone the rest of my life.
I know I am just reaching out to all of you because of emotions and worry that I will never get over my husband. I think of us when we were dating and just married, raising our 3 kids and get so overwhelmed with grief that my marriage is over now. I just needed to write this down and I hope that things will get better soon for me and for some of you that are suffering too.
Thanks for listening,
Donna
Because of your advice I did feel a little better tonight because you emphasized that the roller coaster is normal and even healthy. I will try to go on the ride more willingly from now on. Still scared to live alone for the rest of my life but as one of you said no one knows their future anyway.
I really wish we lived near each other and could have a reunion. Wouldn't that be fun? Although I guess it wouldn't be a reunion since we've never met before :) I feel like you are old friends already and I appreciate everyone of you.
Well, here's to a better 2014 for all of us and let's keep writing and receiving and giving each other support.
Hugs,
Donna
Please hang in there, so proud of you; you are already pressing your way. Hugs!!!
your life hasn't "turned out this way" you said it best = rollercoast and you are in some gut wrenching turns.
it is obvious in the smile of your grandchild face that you are kind, selflish, caring & tender. That is so Worth something.
Down the road when perhasp you hope to meet someone, what do you want them to be attracted to in you?
I hope it is your substance, your character, which will not diminish but grow with age.
That comment about my grandson's smile was especially comforting to me as I love him so very much and he does enrich my life with so much love. And I am trying to become a better and kinder person from this experience rather than a bitter and vindictive person who was dumped by the love of my life.
Well, we shall continue to go through these difficult times but with each other's concern we shall get better and better as time marches on. It really makes a difference to know there are so many people out there with the same situations and challenges. We can do this!!! :))
He can't hide that
You may be a bit frayed but that would be because you are the type of person that take better care of their loved ones than themselves, (be a better world if that was more common)
You don't look frayed at all in your photo nor do you look 56
I'm 51 and as you can see in my photo I'm a bit torn
Take it easy on yourself
You are very sweet. I did not take frayed as an insult at all. I know you meant it as being "emotionally frayed". I don't see any photos of you at all but I'm sure you look great. Maybe when we heal a little more then we can focus more on ourselves. I know I need to exercise, eat better, etc. but right now I am just trying to survive each day and be positive.
Thanks for responding.
Donna
I'm dedicating this song to you. It became a personal anthem for me when I first heard it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOU0mvP-Xvs
I sing it to myself now when things get tough just to remind myself that no matter how bad things get I'm not giving up and not going to let him break me. You will make it through this. I know it's hard. But, hang in there. It really does get better, I promise. I'm coming up on 2 years since my ex-husband (of 24 years) kicked me out of our home on Mother's Day. He left me for a woman he was seeing for nearly 2 years. He will marry her in a few months.
I was shattered when all this first happened. I could barely breathe. But, now I am much stronger. Like everyone else here, I experienced wave after wave of intense sadness, grief, disbelief, and gut-wrenching raw pain. You are in the very early stages of your journey. Take very good care of yourself and remember that you are NOT alone. You will survive this, and though it seems impossible right now, even thrive. As each wave envelopes you, don't turn away. Allow yourself to feel the pain, the anger, the sadness, etc. You'll start to notice that after each one the intensity diminishes, until you realize that the very things that brought you to your knees before no longer affect you. It's a glorious thing!
I posted a list of books elsewhere on this site that helped me tremendously through this process. I highly recommend that you read some of them. I think you will find them invaluable in your healing.
Hold your pretty head high and remember that you are strong, loved, and supported. And NEVER give up or lose hope.
Kindest regards,
Kim