Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Although my husband announced over the phone that he "wanted out" after 34 years of marriage just 4 months ago I have been really working hard to move on. I have been going to work, volunteering at a shelter, going to my therapist, reading many books, going to different support and social meetup.com groups and have been feeling much better and proud of myself for being strong. I just signed a contract to buy a home in the same development as my daughter and her family - it is across the street from where my husband and I had a house built that he cancelled just a few weeks before we were to close on it when he ended our marriage. Ironic, isn't it? But I want to be near my daughter and her family. Still no twins - she will have a C-section this Wed. if they don't come on their own.
Anyway, I was feeling so empowered but forgot about the rollercoaster many mention on this forum. Yesterday, it started going downhill and today I hit the bottom big time. I have been crying and feeling so utterly depressed and hopeless. I even went all the way back to feeling that my life will never be happy again and what is the point of trying anymore. I ruminate about the good times we had (not why I wasn't truly happy in the marriage) and can't believe someone who loved me for so long would leave me. I constantly think about when did he stop loving me and all the hurtful things he said such as that he should have left me a long time ago. The only contact we have had is through email because I needed some documents for the mortgage company and he was nasty in his responses. Unlike the past where I would have asked him why he was being so nasty I decided not to even respond to the emails. That was extremely hard for me but I figured it would bother him more if I ignored them. But he probably doesn't care at all just like he doesn't care about me now.
He tells my family that he is doing better now without me and that hurts so badly. My daughter thinks I have been strong and will be happier in the long run. But I feel so empty and sad. I can't believe my life turned out this way - I thought the only way we would separate was through death someday. I feel weak and needy and wish I could have a man to love and cherish me although I know this is not the answer to my sadness and loneliness - at least not yet. But I will be 58 in May and worry that I am getting older and less attractive and will spend the rest of my life alone. I really enjoy being married and don't want to live alone the rest of my life.
I know I am just reaching out to all of you because of emotions and worry that I will never get over my husband. I think of us when we were dating and just married, raising our 3 kids and get so overwhelmed with grief that my marriage is over now. I just needed to write this down and I hope that things will get better soon for me and for some of you that are suffering too.
Thanks for listening,
Donna
Anyway, I was feeling so empowered but forgot about the rollercoaster many mention on this forum. Yesterday, it started going downhill and today I hit the bottom big time. I have been crying and feeling so utterly depressed and hopeless. I even went all the way back to feeling that my life will never be happy again and what is the point of trying anymore. I ruminate about the good times we had (not why I wasn't truly happy in the marriage) and can't believe someone who loved me for so long would leave me. I constantly think about when did he stop loving me and all the hurtful things he said such as that he should have left me a long time ago. The only contact we have had is through email because I needed some documents for the mortgage company and he was nasty in his responses. Unlike the past where I would have asked him why he was being so nasty I decided not to even respond to the emails. That was extremely hard for me but I figured it would bother him more if I ignored them. But he probably doesn't care at all just like he doesn't care about me now.
He tells my family that he is doing better now without me and that hurts so badly. My daughter thinks I have been strong and will be happier in the long run. But I feel so empty and sad. I can't believe my life turned out this way - I thought the only way we would separate was through death someday. I feel weak and needy and wish I could have a man to love and cherish me although I know this is not the answer to my sadness and loneliness - at least not yet. But I will be 58 in May and worry that I am getting older and less attractive and will spend the rest of my life alone. I really enjoy being married and don't want to live alone the rest of my life.
I know I am just reaching out to all of you because of emotions and worry that I will never get over my husband. I think of us when we were dating and just married, raising our 3 kids and get so overwhelmed with grief that my marriage is over now. I just needed to write this down and I hope that things will get better soon for me and for some of you that are suffering too.
Thanks for listening,
Donna
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
I am on that roller coaster with you. I never liked roller coasters, they make me sick and being on this one is no different. Even going UP is scary.
I don't want to be alone either and feel my age, I will be 60 in May.
I wish strength for both of us.
Hugs,
Rikki
Also, I was in a relationship all of last year so don't let your age define you. We'll all get through this even though I know I sometimes feel like I'm am stuck in the proverbial tar pit. Big hugs.
I try to count my blessings - I'm grateful for my family, my friends, my pets, my therapist (!), a sunny day, a run on the beach. Some days are easier, some are harder, but overall, there's definitely a trajectory towards less hurt, less pain.
As to age, none of us has any guarantees about our future, whatever age we are, and I think it's helpful to realize that. We've all had a wake-up call about the insecurity of life and the wisdom of living in the present, one day at a time. So, when I look into the future, and it scares me, I look away from it and focus on something good that I have right now, here, today, this very moment.
You sound like you're making good decisions, you're in touch with your feelings, you have family support -- you'll be OK!
Hugs and. blessings.
Many of us who were blindsided by a runaway spouse are in shock, denial, get angry, depressed, and experience many other sad and unhelpful feelings and behaviours.
To hit the wall and have an emotional turn for the worse is perfectly normal.....even healthy I might suggest! Your therapy will help you, as will connecting with others who've been through the journey and comemout the other side.
Stay the course with what we call 'no contact' as the lack of communication with him will strengthen your resolve....as well as keep your present and future plans private. Sort of helps the separation and healing process along!
You're likely doing much better than you think! It takes time and incredible resolve to get through the process....but you'll get there! You'll be stronger for it in the end and the new life you create will be happy and ALL yours! Believe me, you will be happy again! Hugs of support
You are so new to this, and I can feel your pain. It will get better-for now just be easy on yourself-cry when you need to and do whatever you need to to survive.
Congratulations on your new house. Hope you make great new memories. At this point I can't even afford a small apartment.
Once the twins arrive hopefully the rollercoaster will be back at the top. Do you know if they are boys, girls, one of each:-) when my daughter had her twins they were identical from birth so she put nail polish on one of them on his big toe to tell them apart.
The answer that I keep getting is that he is just selfish and immature - I knew that going in, so shame on me - but I was just a 17 year old kid, so I give myself a break.
It's most likely going to take quite some time and I find that my triggers are "contact" with my ex - although the only contact we have is through e-mail and short snippets one word e-mails. We have 2 children together, youngest being 17. He took off with his OW to another state, which was a blessing for me.
You'll get there, but you do need to feel it my dear - you can't push it aside to do something else - that simply won't work. You'll be ok. it just takes time.
Donna...I too will be 58 in March. Trust me...as you go through your healing process...you will discover parts of you you didnt know existed. Life will be great again and it will be on your terms. Its awesome. When I first arrived here I was told that same thing and I just could not see this to be true for me...I just felt so broken. But...now I am saying that same thing to others...it truly is the truth. You just wait and see...Big Hugs...Kathy
The ups and downs can be pretty swiftly on the heels of one another at first, but they slow down over time and you gain some feeling of balance and quilibrium, even a certain peace.
As for what he's telling people, I wouldn't be taking too much to heart. They make up stories, change history, and tell people they did things that you did or vice versa just to get people onside or to trick their own guilty consciences. You know the truth of what went on in your marriage.
Concentrate on thinking about what's good for you from here on in and don't give him any mind time past the necessary grieving.
love and hugs
kamary