LOL...all of the above. For me...I have a GF who has been my best friend of over 30 years...she has been my main sounding board. She lets me talk through all the emotions that came up for me even the anger....she listened patiently even if I had to go over it 3 times...the first two years I would talk in circles....alot...she's been my angel in many ways. To help with the intense anger I would grab my boys and go for a very brisk walk...sometimes it would be the 5 mile route...that helped lots. When I was driving my car...I would yell at the top of my lungs every obscene name I could think of to call him...at times I would just scream them...that always felt good. Another thing I did was I used my anger for motivation...lol....I got a lot of stuff done around my house...I built flower gardens, veggy gardens, fences, green house, raised berry beds and built a rental suite downstairs...I did all of this in just 3 years.

As far as the evil thoughts....I had plenty of those. I would plan intricate revenge plots in my head...I swear...that man suffered much bodily harm in my thoughts..but...I knew it was just imagination...I would never ever carry it out. My therapist told me...using your mind to execute and purge anger is a healthy thing...the same goes for vengeful dreams...you just have to know that it is just that...and when you feel the anger leave...acknowledge it was just an exercise and replace it with good thoughts...this is very important. After awhile...the anger dissipates and is mostly replaced with life stuff and good thoughts. This is what helped me...Big Hugs...Kathy

I was very angry at what the ex did to our marriage and my life. The ex was back home Sept of 2002. In June of 2004 he was gone again. We were having part of a 9 acre field cleared when he talked me into clearing all of that. He would be here to help me with the extra work. A week later he was back in China. He left knowing I would be getting phone calls from the Philippine woman who had his son. Mad; you bet I was.

I hated that front field. I took my anger out on the bush hog every time I had to hook it up to the tractor. I mowed the fields too fast.I focused on this farm and I had a part time job on another farm. I worked fourteen hour days. By late 2005 I had a decision to make. I let my anger motivate me to file for divorce. Three hearings for the divorce and another three after the divorce. By then the anger was gone. It has taken 6 years post divorce to untangle my life and this farm from the ex. I'm at the point of indifference. I no longer hate that front field because my anger and hard work turned it into a pretty field.

Put your time into something that interest you. Stay busy and gradually the anger will end. Count your blessings each day.

Take a look at this article, and make a decision to let the anger go. Like choosing to be happy, it's an inside decision. Not easy to do, but you can make the changes if you persevere.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-steps-to-learn-from-anger-to-grow-and-be-happier/

love and hugs
kamary

I think as long as you are having to deal with divorce proceedings, the anger will still be there, to some degree. It's hard to get past those feelings when you are confronting the daily stress of the legal untangling. Once the divorce is final and the legal part is behind you, you can focus on more positive things in your life. Gradually, with time, the anger will dissipate. At least, that is what has happened to me. Also, I prayed (and still do) everyday to be rid of all anger and resentment toward my ex. I knew I that I wanted to come out of the divorce a better person, not an angry, bitter woman. That being said, I did have bouts of intense anger. I remember times (alone in my house, windows closed) screaming and cussing him out. My cats would get scared and run under the bed or something :) I kept a journal and often I would write out my feelings. This helped a lot. I think once I wrote him a letter telling him off, but of course I didn't send it. That was not my intention in writing it. Taking a nice long walk when I was angry also helped. I love to walk and have found that I do some of my best thinking and sorting-out feelings as I am walking. They say time heals all wounds. I'm not sure I fully believe that, but time and improved circumstances post-divorce do soften the anger.

For what it's worth, I read somewhere that if you're experiencing anger in or toward a relationship, then the one with whom you are angry still has control over you. Although this sounds much easier said than done, you make a conscious decision to move forward and leave the anger behind, saying things over and over in your mind like, "I will not let my anger toward _____ interfere with my happiness moving forward." Eventually, you rise above it. Definitely easier said than done but worth a try.

good advice from many. I also dealt with anger for some time. Getting the divorce finalized helped a lot, but I still carried anger for about three years after. I did a lot of reading and journaling, talked to my priest, and finally realized that the anger was only hurting me. That helped me. I get angry occasionally with ex now, but it is over in an instant. Now I see him as this pathetic creature.

Sending hugs!

I wrote stuff in a journal here and locked it. Bashing is okay as long as you are sure the EX will never hear what you said. Make sure the third party knows you're blowing off steam. It's easy to say things you wish you hadn't when your angry....so that is why I suggested the journal. I agree, it's most likely going to be a roller-coaster for awhile since you are trying to settle your divorce (((HUGS))) Hang in there

Thanks all. I need to get back to journaling and acting in a constructive manner. This is the pits!

I saw my therapist at least once a week during the entire 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating coward I am now glad to refer to as the X. It was during that period that I realized I had been burying a LOT of anger for a very long time. Lucky for the world, I used my creativity as an outlet -- I got into landscaping my property (and I had a 7-acre farm) and it truly was a work of art!

Sure, I had plenty of anger during that whole ugly period, but I channeled a lot of it through writing in my personal journal (I filled 13 college ruled notebooks in less than 2 years!) and I did my share of verbal bashing to a few trusted (and patient) friends. I knew myself well enough to pack up my handgun and entrust them to a friend who is also a law enforcement officer; said, "Keep these until it's over!" No kidding! Only ONCE did I allow the now-X to see my true anger -- and that was the day he showed up on the farm WITHOUT PERMISSION and trying to pilfer marital property from the garage. He caught me by surprise -- and I DON'T like surprises. As I was coming up from the barn, I saw his car parked in front of the garage. I turned around and grabbed a pitchfork -- I will never forget that day -- or the "deer in the headlights" look on his face as I ordered him to get in his car and get off the property!

I am still talking with my therapist and that does help a lot. I don't own a gun, but I may just get a pitchfork in case he ever shows up in Florida (highly unlikely, distance is a good thing)!

Dear texlube
I was surfing this site and saw your entry. I thought I'd give my penny's worth opinion.I joined the group few days ago. I have the same issue as you; Anger. You speak of evil thoughts;oh yeah , I am better now, but while awake or sleeping there were knives and guns left and right.And the worst of thoughts was that if I did something stupid I could get away with it, because I am a full blown nut, according to the VA rating. But I keep reminding myself of that belief i have that Death should be reserved for Angels; mean people need to stay in this earth and suffer.My divorce was many years ago, but my ex keeps me entangled with court issues.So like Moscato says: it will be a bit difficult while you have the divorce process going on.You just hang in there, hear?

hugs

I did a lot of the stuff above but really just learned how to work through it.

Honestly? I wanted to go to a thrift store, buy a bunch of cheap junk and take it to a parking lot and smash the living daylights out of them. I didn't do that but think it could be a GREAT business to start ;)

I was angry for about 4 weeks. Then I realized that I was miserable when I was angry and I could hardly tolerate feeling that way. I decided that instead of focusing on my anger (and my x had had an affair) I decided to start reading and working towards healing. I remember reading here on DS, "The best revenge is to be happy" so I put all my energies there. I also remember here on DS someone posting "When you are angry or hate someone, it's like you taking the poison, or something like that. I still had tons of sadness and grief, that was much harder for me, but the anger start subsiding. I didn't want to focus on the affair, or what they were doing, or anything so I completely blocked all that thinking out of my head. I read, I started walking, I focused on centering my life when I came home from work and I didn't talk to any of my friends about being angry or what a scum bucket he was, because when I did, I realized it made me angrier.

I did, however, talk to my counselor, and I dealt with all my feelings there. That was helpful because he could help me focus on the origin of the anger or as it turned out, mostly hurt that made me angry.

It worked for me. When we were almost divorced, my x said, "I can't believe how nice you've been through all this. I had no idea you'd not just be so angry at me" to which I was able to reply " You gave me a 'get out of jail free card' and I am working towards a new and happier me". It was awesome. And it's true, The best revenge is to be happy. About 2 years later, he came in to my office and said, "I am just miserable and you are so happy". I wanted to say, "I don't have to deal with your sorry ass anymore" but I said, "Yup, life is really good for me". He got tears in his eyes and said he wanted us to get back together (he's asked that about 7x). He said life was so much better for him married to me. But thankfully, I had a counselor that told me always listen to what he could do for me, not how miserable he was without me. And I never heard those words out of his mouth. It was just another con. Of course his life was better with me. ha ha.

I couldn't be happier. If you had told me when it happened if I'd ever survive this ordeal, I would have told you that I probably wouldn't. But I have not only survived, but thrived. And he is miserable and broke.

caligirl92354 - funny, I am much happier, have a great job, enjoy life etc. The ex said the SAME THINGS to me as yours did. That was the best day for me....he cheated, walked away etc...and I ended up happy. THEN he decided he wanted me. Too late buddy

I'm still angry sometimes. I find that it's cyclic and my own opinion is that it's just part of the healing process. It's been three years since I last saw him and just over 1.5 since the divorce....but I still sometimes feel angry. I let myself off of the hook for it though - after all, my family broke up, my kids all left home, I lost my job, moved, have been unemployed....lots and lots of change. And I'm sure you've had lots too!

Sometimes it's almost too easy to blame HIM for all that's gone wrong or that makes us sad NOW. It's easy. And he IS partially to blame.....but so is good old LIFE!

You'll work through it. Remember, HE HAS PROBLEMS TOO! It's not all sunshine and roses in his life - that's not even possible! You're likely WAY more happy and content with your new life then he is. When you're down and sad or angry, try to think of all the good that is in your life. Sound corny, but.....I'm betting you've got family and friends and happiness and love and laughter in your life. There is much to be grateful for.

I tell myself this ALL THE TIME! I need to! It's my coping mechanism. The practice of gratitude is very healing. I have learned a lot about this through my yoga practice and an especially spiritual instructor. Find what works for you...and practice it! Hugs