Chrissy I can't say that I did, but my circumstances were quite different, I didn't want to throw away 30+ but felt I had no choice....the day to day pain was just to much to bear any longer....AJJ

Jack - you make me wonder if that's how awful my husband felt although there was absolutely no verbal abuse or anything that bad in our marriage. I actually gave him more freedom than any other wife I knew - I just didn't know it would come back to haunt me when he started his own life while we were still married.

I lived a boring little life in a quiet, southern little town, raising my 4 kids, helping with PTO, youth group and going to church, then.....it all fell apart and is like a damn soap opera---I get so tired of the drama from my ex. He pretty much leaves me alone anymore, but he is always saying or doing something to hurt and alienate his kids, besides dumping all of us for a new "much younger model family"---I never would have believed in a million years that my life would be like this. It makes me sad and angry that he gave it all up. I hope he enjoys his new life because he gave up love and respect of his "old" family---something that most likely will never be regained. His loss.

Chrissy, it's only been a short time since your stbx left. I really don't think that you're anywhere near your emotional healing. I admire your strength through all of this - you were hit blind sighted and what an awful experience for you and your family. That takes a long time to get over. Expect to feel "dis-believe" for quiet a while. Twenty-three years is a long time. How can one forget or forgive so quickly with a long history like that. I too don't believe that this has happened to me. I don't deserve to be alone right now. I worked too hard at making it work. It was my choice to leave and one that took great strength - but I still can't believe that it had to come to this. Good luck to you - in all that comes your way. You're a very special lady - you deserve greatness. LOL

PS Divorced by Christmas? I think I'm doing something wrong. I don't think my divorce will be over for at least another year or more? Geez...I'd give anything for this to be final by Christmas. Good luck to you. LOL

I can honestly say that I have many days that I say how in the hell did we get here? Part of me wonders if I will ever believe it, although I am sure when our divorce is final, I will believe it! It will be a very sad day, indeed! They will never get it, though!

I don't. I knew years ago this was not a good plan intellectually. Emotionally he was the love of my life, and I kept hoping . . . Funny what hope does to you - it can totally drain you. I, like Nan, was the one who chose to walk away, but it took about a year of maybes and what ifs to come to that point. In Michigan, you can be divorced in about 6 weeks if there are no minor children and you go through mediation. We did just that - took about ten weeks. The house miraculously sold, and I left - not without a lot of sadness and anger - oh my yes a lot of anger - I was used, abused and overworked for 25 years. He never, ever held a job that provided us medical insurance or a pension. It was all me - I should have learned a long time ago - and left while I still had some stamina, but this is good enough. I did it - I'm out! The sadness will be there for a while I think - for the lost dreams, but I had to get the younger child out after I found out about his father's abuse.

I was in disbelief for about a year after it happened. But reality has set in. And now I'm the one that doesn't want him back. I realized that I became very codependent at the end and even though I miss my "family" feeling, I don't miss him. I never thought I'd get to this point. Disbelief is part of how we cope. But like Nan said, you are doing so amazing. Hugs to you my friend. You are an inspiration to me.

Chrissy, I believe most of us that have had the surprise divorce find it difficult to comprehend. I recall times when I thought it was all a nightmare and that I would be waking up at any minute unfortunnately that wasn't the case. I've found that to heal was to accept that I had no control and to maintain any form of sanity I had to let go.

It is very hard to accept it when you never saw it coming.

I can't wrap my head around what motivates a person to not let their spouse know that the marriage isn't as secure as they think it is. It really just boggles my mind how they can be all about loving you one day (and cheating on you while they act like they are crazy about you) and then just walk away the next.

That's just a little more than our brains are set up to accomodate. It makes no sense, because they MADE IT so that it made no sense. How can you accept something that makes no sense?

The only thing I've truly been able to accept is that I was married to a con man. He deserves an Oscar for his performance as a loving husband.

9 months is such a short part of 27 years- I still look for him when I wake up.

I will sit and think, Good lord what happened? and then I think back to all the mistakes I made and wonder if I had done this or not done that, or if I had been smarter or prettier or more religious. I have to force myslef to remember that all the what ifs wont change the here and now.
I still wait for him to call and say I'm sorry.

I knew for years I was in a "unhappy" marriage so I was not blindsided or cheated on but he keeps me in limbo as he is around ever other day but refuses to do anything to work on marriage. Nothing has been filed but I know I am stuck. He pays everything and I can't work. I sure can't believe I would be here in middleage.
I can't believe it has happened to so many though. Unbelievable this site that just started 6 months ago has 399 members according to the home page (420 by the group account) and how many more are going down this diffucult strange road that haven't found this support?

Missiann- I would like a sorry too - but I don't think it will ever happen

I have to accept the fact that he is sharing what used to be our home with another woman and soon be marrying to her. 21 years together is now just memory but we do have three beautiful children and I'm so grateful for that. I guess I do believe now that nothing last forever even marriage (I thought that mine would be).

For someone who is divorced and this was a process, I think that until you sign the papers it is hard to accept, especially for those of us who have logged in the twenty years or more.

Everyone's case is the same in many ways yet all different. There was no infidelity or other woman in my case and I am sure that anger would help
with the reality of it. If you have a history of breakups and moving out, or threats of divorce, I still held up that maybe he would not go through with it.

I was going to start a thread this morning with Does anyone still think of look for the ex when they wake up? That is so hard still, 27 years is a long time....for me.