Don't you mean "how long does it take to stop being under his/her spell?". If a person lied, cheated etc you didn't really know them so how could you love them. You may have loved the person they portrayed but that's not them. Some of us fell in love with a person who did not exist, except in our heads. It's the hurt you are feeling not LOVE>

I agreed with Lucy. I was thinking too of rephrasing the question along the lines of falling out of fantasy.
Our decision [idealization] to whom we love uses the same decision process whether or not to love a "serial killer". In other words, we do decide who we choose to love.

The problem is, once we've made the decision, we don't want to let go it. Maybe debunking our original decision [or idealization] certainly conflicts with our idea love is "unconditional". What's funny is, cheaters certainly do drop their decision/idealizations rather quickly. What does that tell ya ?? It's all in the head!!!!

I don' t think I will every stop loving the man I married, the father of my children on the day they were born, the man who brought me flowers just because, the father who dropped everything to get his daughter the tickets to the concert she wanted.

I do not love them man who cheated on me, or the man who has forgotten he has children.

Excuse my pun, but as far as I know, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde occupied the same body and wore the same face! I bet Judge Judy doesn't separate the two !

LOL toby. I've been thinking about this one.

My present thoughts are that it's too much to let him go completely, and at least letting the nasty one go is a step ahead.

Letting the first one (NB not necessarily the nice one, but more likely the one who was showing only his best side?) will come later.

In fact, circumstances are insisting that I let him go completely. So I tried to just cut him off several nights ago (emotionally and mentally - I'm as no contact as I can get considering we have kids and grandchildren) . I wrote the letter of goodbye and good luck. I said all the affirmations to ensure my happy future without him and.... the next day, I had the most dreadful feeling of doom. I remembered twice in the past when I had tried to break up with my ex, and had experienced this same feeling of dreadful doom.

I'm guessing it just isn't time yet? Or quite possibly, I am terrified of a life without him in it in some form?

Any ideas on this one?

love and hugs
kamary

This is a tough question, and as you can see by the above answers, takes many turns and feelings and explanations. So, I'll throw in my 2 cents worth. I was married 32 years. I felt that until the end I loved him. It was so hard to see the dream die. But once I accepted that for the last 10 years, that's what it was, a dream, I realized that I had honestly fallen out of love about that time. But, I did love him because I believe love is not a feeling but a commitment and a decision. So, I did love him until the end. But, like someone mentioned above, as I started to write down all the things that he had done, said, treated me and my son and family, and the list goes on, I realized that it had been dying over time. I hung on and tried my best but I think that when he finally walked away, I was actually relieved. It didn't take the pain away, or the process of rebuilding my REAL life and processing my "loss of the dream" life. That's what made it so hard for me for so long. I had made that decision to love forever and I could have and would have. He was the one that chose to leave. I can honestly say that I do not love him anymore. When I finally processed everything and realized that I'm not sure a narccicist can truly love anyone but themselves, I finally quit asking the "why" question. I know why. He didn't loved me because of all the things I did for him and with him. If I wasn't doing something for or with him, then he was very rude and unkind. But the sad thing is, the meaner and ruder he was, the harder I worked to gain his approval. When I finally realized that I was extremely co-dependent, I was able to unentangle myself from his dysfunction and move on. While I don't love him anymore, I do still have empathy of him and the choices that he still continues to make that keep him in drama and turmoil and financial disaster.

I just wanted to make a correction to my above statement. "He didn't love me. He only loved me for what I did for him and with him."