That is a GREAT question! I wish I knew. I am still in love with a man who does not love me anymore. We were married for 34 years and I don't know when he stopped loving me. If I didn't love him then healing and moving on would be much easier. Maybe someone else on this forum can share their own experience and when they stopped loving their exes.

If you find the magic formula to stop feeling love toward the ex please share that with me. I really need to do that.

Good luck to you.
Hugs,
Donna

Depends on how hard that one is pushed,
I was all in and when not happy still content & thought she was same.
Then the push "I'm not happy " wAs a knife in the gut get affair was two knives in the back.
Took me 5 months of hoping, her pretending to work on it a bit ( while she was working on her exit plan)
+ 3 months for my head to clear and she her for what she is now.

Seeing her for the reptile she is so sad.

I had to make a deal with myself. I agreed to continue to love the man I married because I really couldn't stop it. As for the man I lived with for the last 20 years of my marriage and who he is now.... not a chance.

love and hugs
kamary

It does depend on who the ex is as a person, and how high a pedestal you have them on. We all have a tendency to put that ex very high. You must begin to knock them down.
My husband (22 years) suddenly walked out 2 months ago. I was devastated....then I began to write down bad times in our relationship, things he said or did, times he let me down, and ways that he had changed. I also wrote down things I thought I had done to cause the split. (must own up to my part) As days passed and the list grew, that pedestal started to crack. Every contact with him made me realize that he was no longer the man I married.
Today, I know that I will always love the man I married, but I truly abhor the person he is today.
Everyone is different, but if you stop idolizing, step back, and look critically, it just might help you come to terms with your feelings.

I love the man I married..but he no longer exists. I just hope one day to feel love for another man. My heart is big and there is room for someone else's love.

I still love my ex. So I can't answer that question - I guess my take is that love never really goes away - it morphs into something else - but it stays with you forever.

I too still have a lot of love for my ex...the man he used to be...that man died never to return...I have that love packaged and placed on a shelf somewhere in my heart. I too believe it stays with you forever...thank goodness. I would rather have love in my heart than hatred and anger...Big Hugs...Kathy

I think you have to be out of love with someone,
Before you can love another.

It's different for everyone and I don't think there is any clear answer. It all depends on the marriage, the spouse, and the situation(s) that caused the marriage to end.

For me, several things happened that made me stop loving my ex. The first was his betrayal a second time after I had forgiven him for cheating the first time. The second was after I had been in counseling for over a year and came to the realization that he was a cruel emotionally/verbally abusive man--you can't continue to love someone after that. The third was after he left what I call the "drive-by voice mail" when he told me he had cheated on me with multiple women multiple times throughout our marriage. This was after we had been divorced for over a year. When I saw how cruel he could be, that killed any love I had for him.

Now, as I often say to people, I wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire.

I think our purpose in life is to love, so I don't think the love ever dies. But, you eventually accept that while you still love the person they no longer belong in your life. I'm beginning to see that even though it's wonderful and remarkable when two people live out their entire lives together, it's no longer common. In fact, it's becoming quite rare. Societal values have definitely changed. Where once the emphasis was on preserving and cherishing things we have, it's now shifted to tossing away the old in favor of the new. Sadly, marriage as a lifetime commitment is becoming a thing of the past. It hurts to acknowledge it, but relationships and marriages end. It's so very true that we place our loved ones on a pedestal, and it's especially true in divorce. It does help to see the marriage as it truly was and not the idealized version we long for. When that happens, you will be ready to let your former spouse go with love. Only then can you be free to open your heart to new love for yourself. It's okay to still love someone and know that they are just no longer meant to be a part of your life anymore. Their part in your story is finished. You have many more chapters to write, and you get to decide how they are written.

Give yourself time to grieve the loss of what you thought your life would be. Let yourself feel all the pain. Then, when you're ready, try a releasing ceremony. There are a few books on this in the booklist I posted here. You can also search on Amazon for them. I've had to do this several times. It's not a one time thing, but a process - much like forgiveness.

I've learned that love, pure and unconditional, means that we have no attachment to a particular outcome for someone. I had a really hard time myself with the notion of falling out of love. But, it really isn't possible when love is real. Instead, I choose to be grateful for the time I had with my ex and cherish the happy memories but I don't allow myself to dwell there anymore. I know that in time, you'll reach this place, too. It takes a while. Be gentle with yourself and redirect your love to you. That's the best way to heal your heart.

I wish you all the best.
Kim

Thx everyone.

Kim, you are so insightful and have a gentle approach to life. That's what I see in your commentary in these discussions. I think I feel like you do. I actually feel grateful for the many happy years of marriage I had. Yes, it is torturous to go through this, but at least I did have many many happy memories. I think that's what makes me hopeful that future happiness is possible with someone new. I'm still working on closing that chapter, but I do know for a fact that I won't ever stop loving my spouse.

I recently saw a comment on an online obituary. The couple had been divorced for about 33 years. Both had remarried. But the surviving ex wife said. Something like, "you're in my heart forever. " it confirmed for me that each chapter of our life's books stay written on our hearts.

I never stopped despite it all. I wish I could.

Like many others...I've learned to uphold the love I had for my marriage and husband....but not the man he has turned into. I will not invalidate this huge chunk of my life just because he changed for the negative. I loved, I built a life with a man who is now gone. I will always love THAT man. But I no longer respect or love the person he is now.

cmonge...I really like this "each chapter of our life's books stay written on our hearts"......so true. Everythign we experience is a part of our whole selves. We only devalue ourselves when we try to erase parts.