Dear Hullibee, We are two twins. I am feeling your pain and anguish. I feel the same way. How do we go on like this? Well, my dear, wash your face. pull the blinds open; let the sunshine hit your face. Concentrate on the heat of the sun on your face. Let It bring you to the present. Eat something. Just put something in. It doesn't matter. this is the time to eat something you love. Watch tv. Go for a walk. Read The Journey through abandonment. Go on youtube and watch something that makes you laugh. Get through today and you will deal with tomorrow tomorrow. I don't know you but I love you. We are feeling the same thing right now. I love you and I am sending you a hug.

Right now, I am going to focus on getting through teaching from 2:30-3:45 then I am going to focus on getting on the train. I will smile when I see my sister. I will ask how her day went. I will go home and I will eat something. I will then check my email and then facebook. Then I will crawl under the covers and wail. I will pray for making it through tomorrow when I have to face him. I am going only minute by minute.

Hullibee you survive by just getting up and putting one foot in front of the other until you find yourself moving. It's not good to sit in the dark in your house for too long. If you really need to do that for now set a timer and when it goes off get up and move.

Right now you aren't strong enough to be around your alcoholic H. If you go to your grandson's ball game sit away from him and you may never be able to eat around him. When this is over you may not ever want to see him. He managed to get back in your life once; don't let him do that again. I have said in the past never let them see you cry or seem upset. He saw that after the ball game.

Can you crochet, knit or sew. I once made a turtle out of crocheted granny squares. Since you can't do anything too physical find something you can do to occupy your mind and your time. You have to feel what you are feeling and then try to move on. I cried a whole lot of tears but never in front of the ex and usually on Sundays. Pickingup and Hullibee try to preplan activities for the weekend. Weekends can sometimes be hard to get thru. I usually saved my front field for Sunday bush hogging because it really required me to pay attention to what I was doing or I would be sliding off the seat of the tractor.

Thanks Trisha, Lol. The visual on your tractor makes me smile. My oldest daughter has a small farm. She mows the lawn on a riding lawn mower. But her husband drives the tractor.

Thanks Pickingup. I have been following your posts. Yes it does sound alike. Sorry wwe both have to go through this hell. I got up off the couch. Turned the TV off. Opened the drapes and got dressed. I'm going to go watch volleyball. My grand daughter is playing. I hope he doesn't show. I don't think I can take it today. I will go to Alanon tonight too. One day at a time.

Hullibee,

I am SO glad to hear you're up and about and going to Alanon. I've never been, but have heard all good things about it. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will make it. Keep the faith...and yes...one day at a time...

HUGSSS
MJ

First of all, big hugs to you. I remember those days like yesterday. I too tried to be around the x when necessary but realized it just wasn't in my best interest. It always set me back. So I told him I didn't want to talk and I didn't want him stopping by my office and I didn't want to be around him. Once I set that up, my healing went much better. This is just a setback. Now you know, and you will know not to do it again.

Believe me, you WILL get through this. But I agree, I don't think you sit in the dark too long. I could feel myself getting there so I sat down and wrote ALL the things I had wanted to do in my life that my x kept me too busy to do. So, I started walking. I realized that it was so therapeutic that I was finally walking 5 miles a day. Took 50 pounds of without changing my eating habit. And it got me in the sunshine. Because I didn't have anyone close, every time the sun shone I just absorbed it and it was like a nice warm hug. So I would say, "Thank you sun, for the hugs". Then I found a yankee candle that was my favorite scent and I burned it from the time I came home until I went to bed and all weekend long. pretty soon, that smell was the smell of nurturing myself. And then I found a special place to read my self-help books. I made it my cozy corner with a blanket, pillow, etc. Whatever it is that brings you joy. And I would talk about it to myself as I sat down or lit the candle. I started seeing a difference in my feelings and one day, it was about a year later, I came home, didn't cry, started my routines and for the first time in my life, felt more loved than I ever had before. It was the most amazing feeling. I still had tough days, but they were fewer apart and I started learning how to deal with it before it went full throttle pain. But be gentle to yourself, forgiving of yourself, and nurturing of yourself. You are SO WORTH IT!

Big hugs

You're going to the games for your grandkids and kids. Keep your focus on them and leave him on the sides. I agree, it sounds like you would be better off not having meals with him, or any contact other that the minimum politeness for your family's sake. There's no need, after what he's done, to invite him to the restaurant. Take just your family, or only attend the game and get together another day for a meal, when he's not around.
Today you're crying again, and that's OK. Tomorrow, you'll cry a bit less. Soon you'll realize you're not crying so much.... it's a journey, and you will be OK. Keep on taking care of yourself, and good for you for attending Alanon. I found my help through CoDA, another 12 step, but whatever helps you through is a good thing.

why invite him to diner?
he is not your friend and pretending for the kids sake is pointless,
he couldn't be a good guy for the kids sake.

pretending will drain you.

Dear Hullibee, you gave it a go. You thought you were ready for it. It turns out you weren't, but at least you gave it a go. Good on you for trying.

Ok, it sent you back into hiding. That's ok for a little while, then you really do need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and force yourself back out there, just as you have done. You are worth it. You are the one who can pull yourself out of this. Tell yourself you love yourself and it's going to be ok. Do things you like doing, and if you don't feel like there's anything you like doing, just do something. I always feel better after a walk outside without shoes on:)

If you have a therapist, please make an appointment. If you don't have one, maybe it's time to find one.

I'm so glad you're going to the next game. Be polite to him but don't worry about trying to be too friendly this time. I also hope he doesn't show so you can have a practice day of being out there for your family without the added stress.

Good on you for going to your granddaughter's game today. You're going to be ok.

love and hugs
kamary

Thank you all. Your kind words mean so much to me you cannot imagine.

My Alanon meeting today was about Anger. I didn't think I was angry, but after what exploded out of my mouth last weekend causing me to get suspended from work, I guess I am angry. I thought about this at the meeting. At first I told myself I hated the other woman. I hated that she ruined my life. I hated that she took my husband. I hated that he goes to her house to sleep. I hated her!! I wanted her dead!! Then I realized it was HIM that I hated. He did this to our family. She is just a symptom of the alcoholism. Will I like her? Will I forgive her? NO WAY. But the hate goes to him.

I will get better. NO CONTACT is my goal. One Day At A Time.

What a giant break thru you just wrote about. You are so right. It was his responsibility to keep to his marriage vows. He, not the other woman, broke those vows. Yes, you can dislike her strongly but the fault was his.

I never blamed the many other women I found out about. I blamed my ex because it was his fault for doing what he did to our marriage. I know some of his lies and most of those women thought he was single. Anger can be a good motivator but can also hurt you if not channeled properly. You know this now and it won't happen again. I think you are doing great and learning along the way to getting divorced.

It's great that your anger is coming out in the right direction at last. Well done.

The ow isn't blameless but your stbx knew full well what he was doing, as did mine.

Now go and dig that garden or bash those rugs, scream at him (on your own) or write it all out and burn it. You're going well.

love and hugs
kamary