Big hugs to you, Lisa. How long have you been divorced? My only suggestion is to try to forget about the man who cast you aside. What got ME through my divorce was this "Why would I want to be with a man who doesn't want me? I wouldn't!" Once my ex showed his true colors during the divorce, that ended any love I had for him and I put him in "my past life" and moved into my new one making me, myself and I the focal point of it.

Tell me what you miss and what you don't miss about him. And, you are NOT worthless! It may take 2 to make or break a marriage, but ultimately it was HIS decision to end it, not you. Please forgive yourself for anything you feel you did wrong and if you're not seeing a therapist, please find one. I wouldn't have survived without mine.

As for dating, it just doesn't sound like you're ready by what you said. You need to be totally "over" your ex before you can move on. Focus on what you don't miss about him and that will help you put him in your rearview mirror. Focus on YOU! Do what YOU want, what makes YOU happy. Once you're happy with yourself, you'll be ready to date and it will be an addition to your already happy life. This all takes time and that amount of time is different for every one. Just be gentle with yourself.

Whine away. It helps to get it out.

Hugsso
SO

Yes whine as much as you like here. We've all been through the same sort of thing and asked ourselves the same sort of questions, doubted ourselves too. There'd be something wrong if we just went on without a backward glance, wouldn't there?

I like what startingover has suggested. Do your inventory of things you won't miss about him, and also do your inventory of who you were, who you are, what are your dreams, what is your bucket list, things you like about you.

Can you really love this man who did this to you? I will always love the man I married, but I don't ever want to live with the man I have divorced again. It makes me sad and I miss that lovely funny guy, but he's gone now. He disappeared a long time ago, really.

I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't found my therapist. I hope you can see one, too.

Lean on the people in your life who are around you. Look for pleasure in the little things like a walk barefoot on the grass, watching the birdlife in your garden, listening to the wind. Start to love yourself again.

love and hugs
kamary

I meant to address the 'why'.

I have spent many years trying to work out exactly what happened to make my ex be the way he was and treat me the way he did. I've blamed him. I've blamed me. I've found a book that described him to a tee - "In Sheep's Clothing" - and still I searched for why.

I have recently come to the realisation that it is all about learning to love yourself. I was so busy trying to love him through his abusive behaviours, I forgot to love myself. When we love ourselves and treat ourselves well, others will too. When we allow others to walk all over us and we put up with their bad behaviours 'for love', sadly, it actually seems to have the opposite effect.

love and hugs
kamary

We are both in the same boat. I am trying to forget my stbx. I started reading How to fall out of love by Deborah Philips and The journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Andersen. I think they have helped me tremendously. The people on this board are amazing and really give me strength and good advice. When I really feel bad, I post here. No one judges you. I have also started googling some blogs. Women talking about getting over their loser ex and moving on. Again, we are both in the same place. Everyday is a struggle but we have to take it one day at a time. Four weeks ago I would not fanthom where I am today. It's amazing my strength. Give yourself some credit. As for the connection, one day someone will come and you will have that connection. I guess we just have to give it time. I will say that THE ONE THING THAT IS WORKING TO GET OVER MY STBX IS REMEMBERING IN VIVID DETAILS HOW HE CHEATED ON ME. He, a married man (!) asked her out, planned the dates, had sex with her, brought her to my home and I am sure had sex there. He was traveling at warp speed to go console her when she was having problems but left me the WIFE OF 22 YEARS to sit on a curb for 2 HOURS waiting for him! When you remember the depravity with which they treated you, you get over it. EVERY time you start thinking about his good qualities, you remember what he did to you. I personally picture my big teeth, big nose, flat ass ex husband and his skanky, amazon hoe laughing their asses off at me, holding hands, and living it up while I sit in a room pining for that mother pucker! That does get me up! As starting over said, if they don't want you, you don't want them!

Hi Lisa. I still love my wasband too, but it's changed. I no longer love him romantically, as an equal life partner, as the man I want to share my life with. He's done too much damage to us for me to continue to love him like that and stay sane.
It took a long time, and a lot of work, but now I can say I love him as a friend. I may not see him every year, but expect to see him for our son's life changes, wedding, children, etc... down the road. I don't think of him every day, and I won't seek him out when I do, but it's better for me now to have forgiven and accepted what he's done and what he is.
You don't say how long you've been apart, if this is your new normal, or just one of those days where the wave comes and rolls us over before passing again and leaving us to pick ourselves up and continue on our way.
I still feel like a failure at times, still want to be with someone but feel fearful of it, and still whine about it, but I'm stronger each day, and finding my way back into the real world. Keep sharing and working on you. If you can't move forward on your own, get a counselor to help. It will get better.

You are not emotionally healthy enough to date. Worthless? Of course you're not, but the fact that you'd write this, even if you don't really believe it, is extremely troubling.

Dating can be really callenging, you need to have your act together and feel strong and healthy so that you can make good judgement calls. I really suggest that you work on you some more before you even consider dating. You need to not feel 'alone' when you are alone, if that makes sense.

Like you, I knew that I wanted to have another partner, be part of a team again. In good time. Ironically, until you feel happy and are having peaceful, emotionally healthy thoughts when you're on your own, THAT is the time when you'll be ready to share yourself with another. Do yourself a huge favour and spend some time on you.

challenging. also time consuming and emotionally draining btw

PU I see you growing blog after blog. You are doing so wonderfully. It's hard to see when you are in the middle of everything, but we are seeing you get stronger and stronger.

Hugs Dee

I meant Lisa.........

You grow girl.

I would say you are not ready to date.

Why do you want to, is it because you need someone, you can't be alone, you don't know how to live your new life.

All of these things mean you are not ready. Its not fair to you or your date if you are not 100% ready to be in a relationship

I don't know how long you've been divorced or seperated but it takes time. I am 4 years out, and I still don't feel ready.

I am over the father of my children, but I am not ready to be hurt again. I am not ready to give myself over to someone else. I know I have built up walls to save myself from heartache and I"m not ready to let anyone in.

You can't be looking for a new long time relationship, if you haven't let go of the old one.

Take some time, learn to love you , the new you, the single you. You might just find that you can be alone and be happy.

kamara....I realize I didn't try to love my ex through or despite his abusive behavior towards me, but blamed myself for causing him to abuse me, making him feel the the need to abuse me. It was all my fault so I tried to love him more so he wouldn't feel the need to abuse me. LOL. Backfired big time!