All that bad stuff you said....multiply it by 10...that's how they make you feel..There is nothing easy about this....and the first step is horrible...the rest of the steps are worse. But I guess you get used to taking the steps if you are convinced there is a better life for you somewhere.
I believe it. I believe there is happiness somewhere. Either of us could probably sit in a marriage like this for the rest of our lives.... that's what we are expected to do. If we leave, someone writes a book about us...if we stay we are miserable...either way we are fucked.

So sorry to hear about your situation spirit. Thanks so much for your response. If it helps, I have nothing but respect and admiration for your courage to finally try and find happiness for yourself. If God willing, you will find it someday. Try to keep your chin up. There are those of us out here that are behind you all the way. My thoughts go out to you. Thanks again.

Okay, I think the first thing you need to do is find out your rights and visit a lawyer so that you know what to expect when you actually get down to separating and divorcing.

The other thing you can do is visit a therapist, alone at first, to get a game plan together that will minimize the drama and trauma that you are going to unleash. This person can help you practice what you are going to say and what kind of response to expect. You can even bring your spouse to an appointment and do it with the help of the therapist.

The think you need to make clear is that you are not trying to cause any undo pain or agony. The less emotions that get stirred up, the less likely the kids will be used as pawns.

But make no mistake, if this is coming out of the blue for your spouse, it will cause a shitstorm of emotions. Be prepared for the fallout.

Your having "no attraction" to your wife, indicates to me, you are out of connection to her....which is a formulated decision. Least to say, I am not reading any indication on your part any desire for her which translates to having no motive to salvage your marriage. Sorry to say, you want out. Divorce is either unilaterally decided or bilaterally decided.

I'm just courteous, has the dynamics between you two been totally honest and whole-heartedly? Sounds like someone been stubbornly holding back [control tactic] and refusing to compromise. That's what the "no sex" is about.

If both of you are willing, maybe try counseling. Everyone changes, I think it's important to maybe sit down together and see what both of you want. It may be much harder to make it work, but if you have purposed in your heart that your done, there is a possibility that you can purpose in your heart to make it work.

I would highly suggest seeking every alternative before giving up. Leave no stone unturned so that at least years down the road if you have any regrets, you can at least say you gave it your all. And that means trying, really trying. That's my perspective.

And as a father of 3 children in the home 17, 11 and 9, I can tell you without a doubt that my children are suffering greatly without their mother. This might be contrary to what everyone on here believes, but there is more to this life than just our happiness. My happiness was in my wife, when she left, so did my happiness until I learned that there was more to me than her. Saying that, I will ask you this, "Who wins when the family is broken?"

I'm not telling you what to do, but brother, I am living what you are considering. My family is broken and my wife says she is happy, but at what expense?

Consider doing a personal inventory and ask yourself why you aren't happy.

There are two tragedies in life, one is not getting what you want.............. the other is getting it. Oscar Wilde

Take care, and I wish you the best.

I agree with Benaiah. Try counseling first and see if you can fix the marriage before splitting up. If you read my story you know where I'm coming from. My husband left a little over a month ago and also says he's happier. Is he really? I don't kow. I doubt it. My daughter and I are just devastated though. I wish my husband would try counseling with me but he refuses. At least if he would, I would know that we at least tried.
Good Luck with your decision.

I'm sorry you're hurting but if you think you're hurting now, multiply it at least by 10. I'd say by 100. Your kids lives will be ripped apart. My 22 year old 6'4" son sobbed in my arms when my ex left. All of my children were a complete mess. So was I. I couldn't eat, sleep or even function. I was shocked as was everyone that knew us.

Of course, my ex was having an affair too. If you're in a sexless marriage, is it by your choice or hers? If it's hers, drag her to counseling and tell her it's a deal breaker. Cheating on her won't help matters. If she doesn't want to have sex, it might be because she knows you're cheating on her. Who would want to sleep with a husband/wife that could be bringing every disease home?

You sound depressed to me. When people get depressed they make poor decisions. Are you ready to lose the respect of everyone you know? Your family, your wife's family, your children and your community? That's what my ex lost for his infidelity. I actually feel sorry for him. He used to be a wonderful man and a few poor decisions cost him everything he worked his life to build.

I had a houseful of people this past weekend. Many of them were my ex's family. I was out of beds and suggested to one of my children that he could sleep at his fathers. He looked at me and in a firm voice said I haven't ever slept there and I will never sleep there. He only lives a mile and a half from me. My children love their father but they have no respect for him anymore. He used to be everything to them.

I heard through the gravevine that a man in our neighborhood had left his wife and family. My ex told him to work it out at all costs. Go to counseling and do what it takes is what he said. My ex now (or so I hear) regrets his decisions. He's lonely and the kids are almost always with me. They see him for dinner every week or so. Actually, only one of the four see him. Two are out of state at college or married. The other one works in our family business with him but rarely sees him outside of work.

My ex was shocked when I went "no contact" with him when he left. I had the children home and wouldn't let him come over for dinners. He actually thought I would have him over for "family" dinners. I've let him come over 3 times since 10/07. The first two times were disasters and this last time this past weekend didn't bother me. I just don't give a shit about him anymore. He will NEVER be my friend but he is my children's father. I picked him. That was my mistake and not theirs.

Talk to your wife. Tell her what you need and want. Get the other women out of your life if you want any kind of chance of saving your marriage. She might not want to save it if she knows about your affairs. She might be hanging on until your children get get older. Why did you fall in love with her in the beginning? Start there. You NEVER want to be where we all are.

Best of luck to you.

JACKSBUD -- I always check a new member's profile, etc. before responding to a post and now I am responding to yours!
FACT: You have already cheated on your wife of 23 years!
When you made the decision to have sex with someone other than your wife, you symbolically tasted the "forbidden fruit." Now you are just beginning to suffer the first of your consequences -- unrest.
And now, here you are, looking for sympathy/support. Tsk tsk tsk!
You have a lot of nerve coming on THIS particular board to lament your woes. Perhaps YOU should STAY OVER ON THE INFIDELITY and CHEATERS ANONYMOUS boards where you belong! Bringing your "sexless marriage/it's all my wife's fault that I'm unhappy" b.s. HERE is totally inappropriate. The majority of members on this board were the victims of your brand of blatant BETRAYAL -- and unfounded blame. I, for one, have NO SYMPATHY for your kind -- only disgust!
Lucky for you, I don't know your wife. If I did, I would be ratting you out so quick your head would spin!
If your family means so much to you, you would have NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL to your wife and if you expect to end things "amicably" then you better be 'fessing up real quick and hoping she doesn't have a gun!

Bravo Cowgirl!!!

I thought I smelled a RAT! That's why the NO attraction to the wife with all of her guilt trip bull***. Did person is a joke? Please, don't let me get started on this "piece of crap".

NO, I'm jumping in. JACKSBUD, Get tested for STD , drop the woman baby boy, and LEARN to put a lock on your goodies, drop her phone number from your cell, get right with yourself and be the man you truly SHOULD be. I'm being nice.

Hey, at least he's a cheater willing to divorce, my ex would still be married and cheating behind my back if I hadn't finally said "Enough". He even had the gall to place the blame for our reconciliation falling apart because I wouldn't stop hurting. Meanwhile, he was still cheating.

No, this guy needs to let her go so she has a chance at a happy life without his brand of misery.

eyeswideopen:
What I don't like about this guy's posting here is that instead of being HONEST with us, he conveniently left out the part about his cheating! Call it what you want, but I call it a huge error of ommission which is the same as a BOLD FACED LIE!
If he wants out of the marriage, then he's going to have to tell his wife the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...and let the chips fall where they may -- especially if he's hoping for an "amicable" divorce.
I don't know how YOU spell COWARD, but I spell it J-A-C-K-S-B-U-D.

Well, I saw this before anyone posted. Why do you think I didn't respond?

@eyes. This is something my ex would do for sympathy and a pity party. This set off red flags for me and don't forget I was married to an N. Don't give this guy any sympathy or encouragement.

Kathi, I also check profiles where I can and I smelled a rat too. But I chose to pass. It so reminded me how the ex would do something like this to make himself feel good. I was trying to avoid a bad memory.

Oh, I lived this life too, and there is nothing more horrible than a lying, cheating rat. This is definitely not the place for him. Too many here have been hurt by this kind of behavior. If he was a true man, he would tell his wife he cheated and allow her to make the decisions for herself for a happier future, not come on here and have a pity party.

This man child needs a slap across the table.

If anything, he needs to be HONEST with his wife in order for HER TO MAKE HER OWN DECISION RATHER TO STAY IN OR OUT....as mature adults are capable of doing. None of JACKSBUD's cowardly idea of doing her a favor crap. To be honest, I hope she dumps his ass to the street. And collects the max of support.

Ladies -- good to know mine wasn't the only "radar" operating when this post first appeared. When I saw it the first time, I did my checking. But it was only after someone chimed in sympathetically that I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself any longer.