Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
My stbx has been in Ohio hunting since Sunday. I haven't sent him any messages, haven't talked to him or nothing since our strange day last Saturday when we talked like an old married couple practically all day long.
So today I get a text from him stating that he's ok and no issues with the "loose cannon" ex-friend and that he got his biggest buck ever.
Why is he texting me about this. I want to share in his joy like I have every year for the past 20 years, but how can I let him go if he continues to keep me involved with his life. The thing is he knows that I'd would be happy for him. In the past he'd bring the big buck home and I'd ohh and ahh because I was genuinely happy for him, but I can't do that anymore. This is part of his single life now and he's been very clear that I'm not a part of it anymore. I didn't respond to his text and I don't plan on it.
It's hard not to read more into this but part of me wants to think he's testing me and our relationship to see how I respond. But deep down I know he's just treating me like an old friend and I cannot be that friend right now. I want to be, it's just part of my nature to respond to him, but I know it's not healthy for me. Doesn't he realize how much this still hurts me. How can he be so naive to think that I can handle this kind of friendship after only 2 months of knowing that he's actually divorcing me.
What I've come to see lately is that he still relies on me for support, approval and help with life in general. Little things that I've always done for him, he still comes to me for advice or my opinion. He's never had to stand on his own 2 feet and up til now I've been allowing him to come to me. Just like I always have - I'm the fixer, the brain in the family. But, I've got to learn how to apply tough love. I've got to let him crash and burn on his own or he will never realize what he's lost. If I am there for him every time he needs me, he'll never know what it's like to live without me. Does that make sense.
I've got to toughen up and practice the no contact rule. For my benefit and for his. When I don't respond to his text about his "biggest buck ever" maybe he'll get the message that I just can't share in that joy with him right now and he'll know that he's lost that part of me forever.
Thanks for listening. I just needed to get that out in the open.
So today I get a text from him stating that he's ok and no issues with the "loose cannon" ex-friend and that he got his biggest buck ever.
Why is he texting me about this. I want to share in his joy like I have every year for the past 20 years, but how can I let him go if he continues to keep me involved with his life. The thing is he knows that I'd would be happy for him. In the past he'd bring the big buck home and I'd ohh and ahh because I was genuinely happy for him, but I can't do that anymore. This is part of his single life now and he's been very clear that I'm not a part of it anymore. I didn't respond to his text and I don't plan on it.
It's hard not to read more into this but part of me wants to think he's testing me and our relationship to see how I respond. But deep down I know he's just treating me like an old friend and I cannot be that friend right now. I want to be, it's just part of my nature to respond to him, but I know it's not healthy for me. Doesn't he realize how much this still hurts me. How can he be so naive to think that I can handle this kind of friendship after only 2 months of knowing that he's actually divorcing me.
What I've come to see lately is that he still relies on me for support, approval and help with life in general. Little things that I've always done for him, he still comes to me for advice or my opinion. He's never had to stand on his own 2 feet and up til now I've been allowing him to come to me. Just like I always have - I'm the fixer, the brain in the family. But, I've got to learn how to apply tough love. I've got to let him crash and burn on his own or he will never realize what he's lost. If I am there for him every time he needs me, he'll never know what it's like to live without me. Does that make sense.
I've got to toughen up and practice the no contact rule. For my benefit and for his. When I don't respond to his text about his "biggest buck ever" maybe he'll get the message that I just can't share in that joy with him right now and he'll know that he's lost that part of me forever.
Thanks for listening. I just needed to get that out in the open.
Let me say THIS: You will only be screwed emotionally if you allow that to happen. In order to preserve your emotional well-being, you have to DETACH YOURSELF FIRST -- do not give the stbx an audience for any reason. Forget coming to an agreement about division of assets without benefit of a mediator or attorney. Nice isn't going to make any difference one way or another. LIMIT YOUR STBX'S ACCESS TO YOU. I know that every time the creep would call or show up here I would be a wreck for days on end. My therapist kept beating me over the head and it finally sunk in -- DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM UNLESS A NEUTRAL THIRD PERSON IS WITH YOU TO BUFFER AND/OR WITNESS ANYTHING HE SAYS OR DOES.
The other point I wish to make here is this: Read up on your state's laws regarding divorce and property settlements before you resign yourself to getting "screwed" financially. My ex thought he was so smart -- sending over these little hand-written "property division spreadsheets" ... I didn't even know where half of our money was because I was so damned trusting all those years. I'm no dummy. I looked up Maryland law immediately after I told him to get his cheating ass out of this house and I learned that Maryland is an EQUITABLE DISTRIBUTION STATE -- that is NOT 50/50 by any stretch of the imagination. AND after 20+ years of marriage, MD courts will almost always give an ALIMONY AWARD or a much larger percentage of assets to the spouse with the least earning ability.
I should start up a "Divorce Boot Camp" so anyone who finds themselves in this situation can come to my farm and get whipped into shape for the battle. It's a tough one, but somehow (through the grace of God, my therapist and my attorney) I was victorious!
Actually, my ex HATED his mother. He left home the day after he graduated from high school and lived in Colorado for almost 7 years before returning to his hometown.
Part of his inability to truly commit to our marriage I believe was based on his impression of his parents' marriage. He saw his father as "long-suffering" an impression I never had. But I will say that despite her untreated clinical depression, his mother was the CLASSIC PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MONSTER -- she ruled the roost by quietly guilting everyone into giving her exactly what she wanted all the time. As he got older, my ex became more and more like his mother but wouldn't go to a counselor or therapist about it. And I can look back now and see where his behavior absolutely tore away at my own self-esteem for years...that's party why I was so devastated when out of the blue he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted out of the marriage. He was an emotionally unavailable, tightfisted, emotionally constipated male copy of his mother! Boy am I glad to be rid of him!