Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

How can I let go when he won't let go of me

Chrissy614
Chrissy614
My stbx has been in Ohio hunting since Sunday. I haven't sent him any messages, haven't talked to him or nothing since our strange day last Saturday when we talked like an old married couple practically all day long.

So today I get a text from him stating that he's ok and no issues with the "loose cannon" ex-friend and that he got his biggest buck ever.

Why is he texting me about this. I want to share in his joy like I have every year for the past 20 years, but how can I let him go if he continues to keep me involved with his life. The thing is he knows that I'd would be happy for him. In the past he'd bring the big buck home and I'd ohh and ahh because I was genuinely happy for him, but I can't do that anymore. This is part of his single life now and he's been very clear that I'm not a part of it anymore. I didn't respond to his text and I don't plan on it.

It's hard not to read more into this but part of me wants to think he's testing me and our relationship to see how I respond. But deep down I know he's just treating me like an old friend and I cannot be that friend right now. I want to be, it's just part of my nature to respond to him, but I know it's not healthy for me. Doesn't he realize how much this still hurts me. How can he be so naive to think that I can handle this kind of friendship after only 2 months of knowing that he's actually divorcing me.

What I've come to see lately is that he still relies on me for support, approval and help with life in general. Little things that I've always done for him, he still comes to me for advice or my opinion. He's never had to stand on his own 2 feet and up til now I've been allowing him to come to me. Just like I always have - I'm the fixer, the brain in the family. But, I've got to learn how to apply tough love. I've got to let him crash and burn on his own or he will never realize what he's lost. If I am there for him every time he needs me, he'll never know what it's like to live without me. Does that make sense.

I've got to toughen up and practice the no contact rule. For my benefit and for his. When I don't respond to his text about his "biggest buck ever" maybe he'll get the message that I just can't share in that joy with him right now and he'll know that he's lost that part of me forever.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to get that out in the open.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I had this same scenario. I think my X missed talking to me and sharing. I told him he lost that privilege when he left me. It was hard at first because I was aching so much, but I KNEW I had to hold my boundaries and I would be a wreck after we talked so I cut off all communication except when we talked about our financial agreement. I did have a couple of 2 hour communications with him that helped me get some answers, but I wouldn't just talk to him on the phone. Chrissy, he gave up the right to talk to you and have you share in his life. Without the commitment from him, you need to cut the communication. It will help you stay more balanced and think straight. It is hard, though. Hugs my friend.
deleted_user
deleted_user
he's missing more than a few screws Chrissey, they never cease to amaze us,at how totally self centered they are...
pemdcat
pemdcat
I have a similar sutuation, anytime aything goes wrong I get a call. when I do call or go to cut the grass or work on the house(it is up for sale and I am trying to keep it up to helpit sell)..she is chummy and all talky. But only when it is convienet for her. But I am getting better at letting her just be... and Chrissy you make perfect sense....AJJ
deleted_user
deleted_user
Chrissy - When you reach a point of no return - you'll know. He already let you go. It's up to you to decide what's good for you and your children now. The ball is in your court. I know that there is nothing you want more then a chance to try at your marriage. He's not willing to give you that. If being too friendly with him upsets you, then it's up to you to stop the cycle or continue the way it is. Either way it's your choice. I so hate to see you hurting and confused. I wish that I could do something to help - but I know that I can't. It's something that you have to work out yourself. God's speed & LOL
deleted_user
deleted_user
I feel that when the stbx acts like this, they have reached yet another level of selfishness. They aren't even aware of your emotions. It's all about taking (the kind word, a compliment, listening to a story) but never giving back. My stbx was the Master! I feel he also was just trying to ease his guilt if I responded to him. I had to stop all together. Take care.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Going through the same thing. I haven't cut the last thread. Partly because I want to stay on his good side until we iron out the agreement. Partly because I don't want him to think I've stopped caring. My issues. I have set boundaries to limit my pain and contact and they are working beautifully.

Everybody is different. Do what works for you. Hugs!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh dear lord, I think we are all married to brothers. They want us at their beck and call but they want someone else too.

Ignore the ass. If I meet with my stbx, I'm a mess. I am right now since I saw him today. He actually thinks one of his affairs was OK since he used a condom!

Indifference is the key if we can manage it. Please let us get to that. Hugs to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was in the same situation for a long time. He would call me for support on things, but would not ever ask about me and when would say something he would tell me that it was hard for him to get to the level of caring. I, too, decided that I need to stop reacting to it and now he rarely talks with me during the week, only if he comes up or when we exchange our son. He really doesn't care and I guess it gives him the opportunity to call me a bitch, but I had to step back.

Protect yourself! It is horrible and against our beings, but your job is take care of yourself now! Try to take his attitude on of not caring! I know you do, but...it is best for you!

Stay strong and hang i there! Many hugs to you!
stopthistrain
stopthistrain
It is such a confusing time. I know how you feel too well. I am afraid not to respond because we are not divorced , we have not done anything legal, and he is still getting his paycheck deposited in our joint account. I dont want to piss him off because I need his money right now and I cant emotionally take negative confrontation However, our contact is text or email and I havent spoken live to him since July.
I know how you feel when they text like we are still together. You cant help but feel that little spark of familiarity, comfort , and love that still glows in your heart. I hope for all of us that God will distinguish that spark if that is His plan so we can get on with our lives.
I do send you prayers of peace, my friend.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well you all are doing the right thing in my book and I have to learn by all of your example. I also have not done anything legal and pays everything and is by every other day if not daily. I am with my BROTHER!
We both care for each other but that is it. He will not do anything to work on marriage. He does not Love me but then I have gotten to that same indifference about him.
He will be over any minute to take car to make sure it is all ready for my trip to Cleveland and then stay here while I am gone to watch the animals. Do you not think knowing all this he would have something to say? Emotional Neglect .It truely screws my mind up.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Zombies. Our husbands became zombies.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Dear Chrissy614, Your husband is being selfish, heartless and insensitive--and subtly emotionally abusive. From a heady perspective, this is not someone who you want to be married to--I'm sure youre clear about this. Your challenge, daunting, unfortunately, and you know this too, is to protect yourself, your heart and emotions. My former wife, because we were in business together, brought her attached-at the-hip new love to work with her under the guise of needing protection from me--the beaten emotional wreck. I had little will and NO anger. To me, it was cruel, and my loss felt yet deeper for how she treated me in the end.

Chrissy, it doesnt matter whether your husband is being oblivious of manipulative. Just thinking about this is a tie to him which you must gradually, and in many ways, disconnect. You are wise AND strong, and you know the direction you want to, or must, go. Take Courage from the Heart.
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
Ladies (and gentlemen I suppose): Now Hear This! "Making Nice" just because you don't have the financial part of your divorce settled doesn't mean squat. Once it comes down to who gets what, all the "nice" in the universe isn't going to mean a hill of beans. So you may as well cut them off emotionally right this minute! If they stop paying the bills, talk to your attorney. If you don't already have one, GET ONE NOW. If you are going to come out of this with your ego intact, you better get ready to play hard ball real quick. I am yet to see or hear about a "friendly" divorce -- with these men (and women) who fall prey to their "mid-life crisis" it all boils down to money in the end. Make sure you get exactly what you need to be comfortable financially for the rest of your life. After all, WE were the ones who were trusting, steady and honest. They are the liars, cowards and cheaters. Stand up and fight for what is right! I did it -- yes, it took a toll on me in the process, but I thank God every day for giving me the strength and tenacity to do it. And my reward was meeting the Man of My Dreams about 6 months after the divorce was final. Life is so good now...I never had a clue that it was supposed to be like this! Something wonderful will happen for all of you...you just have to get through the muck and the mire first. God bless you all!
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
Wow Cowgirl, you hit the nail on the head! I had the same problem with my stbx. When he wanted to call or talk, it was always on his terms--when he needed my support or something done, but he never, ever at any point in our separation ask, "How are you doing? Are you okay?" No, what he did was stop paying bills, be nasty on the phone and through emails, swipe things from my home like a thief in the night, and flaunt his ow all over a six-county area. They are selfish, selfish, selfish.

In the early months, I also believed being nice would be to my advantage when I got to court. I now realize, in all likelihood, the judge will simply split everything down the middle. I will be screwed emotionally and financially. Nothing I can do about it. Cowgirl is right--it all boils to money in the end.

Chrissy, you are smart not to answer him. He made this situation; let him live it. He wants it all: your friendship so he doesn't have to feel guilty, and he will have someone to chat with until the next "flavor of the month" comes along, and then you will be long forgotten.

Ignore him. Hugs to you. I know it's difficult.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Chrissy, I read something awhile ago about men and their little "mid-life crisis" escapades. One explanation the author gave for men leaving their wives while having their "crisis" was that these guys never separated from their mothers. Apparently, it's kind of a delayed response to something they should have done decades ago. They are finally feeling the need to break free and explore new things. Their rebellion is unfortunately aimed at the wrong person.
It sounds Freudian but I think it could have some merit in your case (and mine). He comes to you for approval and support but wants to keep you at arm's length? It does sound like something a teenager would do when he is going through the separation process with his parents (mother in particular).

i always felt my husband was just a little too devoted and attentive to his mother. Do you feel the same way about yours?