Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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fatallove 07/02/2008

The last week has been a tough one and I have been more depressed than I have in a while. For the last couple of weeks, I\'ve been thinking that I need some kind of contact with a man. I don\'t want physical contact but I was thinking just starting with emails and then moving on (or not) from there. A nice slow transition. I\'ve been on a couple of match sites but haven\'t joined any yet. Then today I was at a book store and suddenly had the urge to just go wild and \"hook up\" with any guy (unmarried) I could. When I say hook up, I don\'t necessarily mean sex, but just some kind of relationship. It\'s been 10 months since the asswipe moved out. There are times when I swear I will never get married again and the thought of being in a relationship is sickening, but I keep feeling like if I had an email relationship with someone that might lead to more I would feel better.

I know it sounds a bit desperate but has anyone else felt that way? I know that I\'m supposed to get okay with being \"alone\" but I feel like I am getting more depressed the longer I try to \"find myself\". In the beginning I was very eager to be the real me and thought it was my chance to do all the things I had wanted to but didn\'t and I did for a short time. And it was okay (fun just isn\'t in my vocab anymore) but now I find myself slipping back into old habits and getting more depressed. I feel lost and confused again. Is this all normal? Another phase I have to go through? Any thoughts? Is my email guy just me grasping at anything or am I really ready to slowly get out there?

fatallove 07/02/2008

Sorry about the backslashes everywhere! I think my computer is playing games with me. They weren't on there when I typed.

pemdcat 07/02/2008

Don't hook up just for the sake of hooking up...It will create a lot of baggage you don't need right now.. we all need to be loved, to love, to do for, have some one do for us...but this will carry a heavy price.. I have done this for years as I need those emotions in my life and would do almost anything to achieve them even put up up abuse.....for years...just please e careful CB. becareful.... AJJ

deleted_user 07/02/2008

I, too, would caution you to be careful. I have felt, and still do on occasion, like you do. However, I know that by reaching out to just anyone would not be in my best interest and right now, my needs and healing have to come first. Another wise DSer said all she could give to a relationship right now was anger. I don't think I could bring enough of myself right now to another person due to the energy it takes me to go through the growing and healing that I need to accomplish. It's been 10 months since I left and after being married 24 years, it's just gonna take a little more of our old friend "time."

Put yourself first and do what is best for you after thinking it through. I hope you find the happiness that you so deserve after all the heartache that you have been through.

deleted_user 07/02/2008

I feel the sames as you, as I am sure you all haev figured out bu now (after all my whinning about it) I dont do well with lonely....But, I also know that I would be asking for serious trouble and heartache...so I will wait

deleted_user 07/02/2008

I, too, miss my companion and my best friend, but I find myself too sad and too angry to put myself into a relationship. First of all, I do not think I could handle more rejection at this time, second of all I need to actually love myself before I can love someone else. I know I am a good person, but I have been at the bottom of the barrel for a while and I need to climb out of the barrel and stand on my own. I need to be divorced before I can go that route. I just have a lot of steps to take before I can deal with anything else on my plate. It takes everything I have in me to get through each day right now! My son and myself are my main priorities right now! I will say, I will want to have companionship and maybe a relationship in the future, but healing first!
I wish you the happiness...take care of you! Hugs!

deleted_user 07/02/2008

MDawn, very well said---I feel just like you do.

deleted_user 07/02/2008

Well I have to say.. if finding yourself also includes emails from some one..what is the harm....just make sure you don't give too much personal info.. such as address.. or full name.. you will want to be carefull cause alot of them are just looking for sex.. no matter what they say...trust your gut instinct.. it your gut tells you something's not right.. then its more than likely not right... have I done this .. yes.. i never give my real name or the actual town I live in.. usually they will want to IM for a while .. if you do decide to meet.. only meet in a very public place.. never get in their car.. untill you are 100 % sure you feel safe with them and enough time has gone by...the ones just looking for sex.. usuaaly will not want to invest enough time to really get to know you ....if I feel any pressure in any way about sex.. I tell them to hit the road... bottom line you need to do what is right for you!!!!

deleted_user 07/02/2008

I would love to have someone put their arms around me and hug me. That is what I miss the most.

deleted_user 07/02/2008

Oh geez me too sld...I miss it so much it is almost a physical ache

pemdcat 07/02/2008

here it comes ladies with a little kiss on the check for good measure........AJJ

deleted_user 07/02/2008

I miss the physical side as well, I miss the hugs, the touching, the closeness of someone else - but I know I'm in no way ready for another relationship at this point in time. I am on a journey right now to reclaim who i was, I need to love myself, I need to know that I can look after myself,my kids - I have nothing to offer someone else at this point in time - it would not be fair - although I know my marriage is over, it will never be again - I still care and love the man I spent 21 years with - it would not be fair to enter into another relationship at tihs time, neither for myself or for that other person.
However, in saying all of that - I would just love to be shown that I was found attractive, to someone else - to have that hug and to be held tightly and told that everything will be okay and to hear those words "I Love you" and have them mean it - my new dream I suppose,

deleted_user 07/02/2008

I, too, miss hugs! I miss being able to tell someone my innermost feelings. I miss someone asking how my day was and offering to help with the huge load of work! I just miss the caring and I know I have many who care about me, but it is not the same. Maybe someday!

deleted_user 07/02/2008

I get so upset when something happens, funny or something that just ticks me off, something interesting, etc and realize I have no one to tell it to. It brings the harsh reality to the forefront...again.
I dont want another relationship, maybe not ever, I dont think I can take that kind of chance. I will get used to the lonliness, I will never get used to the heartache.

deleted_user 07/02/2008

I miss the companionship too. They say it takes 5 years to get over a divorce and I believe it. It has been almost two for me and I am lonely but not really ready to date or be intimate. I understand how you feel though. You are very vulnerable now so be careful.

hurtinandhealin2560 07/03/2008

I miss hugs and kisses and attention too, but I would caution you to go slow and connect with someone because it's what you really want, not because you're frustrated or lonely. You say you don't want physical contact and unfortunately many guys will want that. Don't do something you'll feel bad about later.

Take care of yourself!!!

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