Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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Chrissy614 08/25/2008

Well my husband was over tonight putting the finishing touches on the dining table. I had to have it re-laminated because it got damaged in the move.

We talked briefly about the finances and I asked him about giving me the rent check or if he wanted to mail it himself. He said he had the address and then he said "well, we need to get together anyway". Uh-Oh. Here it comes.

I think it's time to sit down and divide the assets and come to a resolution about what he's going to pay, who's gonna get what and split up the rest. Divorce talk.

I already know what I'm entitled to - I'm not going to ask for anything more, but I'm definately not taking anything less. If he wants to drag his feet, it will just cost him more for the lawyer. I WILL NOT BACK DOWN.

I have a feeling after spending time at our brother-in-laws this weekend, he was given an earfull of advice. Of course, Tom has never been divorce, but he thinks he knows everything, so I'm sure my husband now thinks he knows everything too. Well, he also knows me and I've never been a pushover - especially where these kids are concerned.

I can wait forever to get what I want - he's the one who wants out, so we'll see how badly he wants it. It can cost $200 or it can cost $20,000 I don't really care because I'm not paying for it.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Maybe that's not what he was even talking about, but I'm thinking yes it is. Maybe he'll be agreeable right from the start and shock the shit out of me, but I'm thinking no, not likely.

No sense speculating. I'll be finding out soon enough.

The question is am I ready for the "divorce talk". I don't know. I don't think I'll ever be ready for it, but I won't fight with him about it either. As I've said, I'm going to try and handle this divorce with as much diginity, pride and class that I can. Let him (and his family) look back and say, you know, she was really good about this. Dream on Chrissy, dream on.

deleted_user 08/25/2008

Dream on Chrissy! I begged my stbx to give me a fair offer and I would walk away. It never came. The judge gave me pretty close to what I asked for. He is in heart failure right now. The judge did give my stbx the benefit of the doubt. She said (since stbx dropped his income by over $100,000.00 dollars last year) she will give him the benefit of the doubt but as soon as it goes up, I get an increase. He said no to a company car for me, she said fine but he can't have one either. So on and so on. I'm winning all the way. All I ever wanted is what what fair. Nothing more.

They lie and they want everything. Know what is due you. Don't give in. This is your life you are talking about!!

deleted_user 08/25/2008

Chrissy. You can do it with class. And when you look back, you'll be glad you did. I remember the day I had to make the choice. Did I want revenge (by the way, I DEFINITELY DID) or did I want to walk away with dignity. I chose dignity because I'd seen a lot of crazy people go crazy! I have never regretted. Was it easy. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE! But it was worth it. Now, by all means, get what you deserve. I was too nice, but that's all water under the bridge. Stick to your guns. He wanted out, this is all his choice. So don't feel bad for what you deserve. Hugs to you my friend and I'll be here chearing you on! You can do this you classy lady!!!!!

KatieBee 08/26/2008

Chrissy - I tried to be nice and fair - what I got was screwed. I figure I am walking away with less than half of what I fairly deserved. When in doubt during the talk - say "let me think about it and get back to you." Don't agree to anything until you have advice. This will impact you big time and you deserve help. So don't cave like I did just to get out - you don't have to fight about it - just take a breather then go back with counter offer - and always counter higher.

deleted_user 08/26/2008

You're doing the right thing. Leave with dignity. But, don't expect others to think of it that way. I too, have done everything possible to resolve my situation without acting like an idiot. Just to get it done - end our partnership - no more then the law provides, but no less either. It doesn't matter how I'm trying to be fair about it - even bitting the bullet at times - he wants to throw me a garbage bag with some of my things in it and call it even. He continues to trash me in every way he can to our family and friends (who are scarce right now to me - that really hurts) so do it for you - because that's the way you are - don't do it for anyone else's approval. You might be disappointed anyway. Good luck to you and your family.

hurtinandhealin2560 08/26/2008

Yeah, mine said to me last night, "Let's just fire our attorneys and do this ourselves."

I thought, "You can fire your attorney if you want to; I'm keeping mine. I'm no fool." Didn't say this to him though. Let him think what he wants.

Hang in there, Chrissy. Get what you deserve.

Chrissy614 08/26/2008

Thanks guys. I especially like the "counter offer with a higher offer" That should shake him up. All I know is if he wants out bad enough, he'll give me what I deserve. I most definately will have an attorney who will see to that. End of story.

deleted_user 08/26/2008

Mine tried to do this without a lawyer too.My ex best friend and her husband (the other half of nis new life) did it without a lawyer and he thought we could. She had no money so it didn't matter. I had never been in a bank in 27 years and never looked at money and I think he thought he could palm me off with the house and I would never find out his pension was worth three times that. He is now upset because he realises I will get almost half of everything (the sneaky financier he is kept the inherited family shares and sold off the ones we would have to divide out!) My lawyer has almost got me the house( I am selling it off to pay off the morgage and buy a smaller one outright because I have no full time job), 1/3 of his pension, his bonus for this year, a monthly sum for my daughter until she is 18, half of his share dividednd for the next year, and half of his savings. My ex best friend may not think life is so rosy now- she is not getting 4 five star hotel holidays a year and an unlimitd clothes and spa budget I had- I suspect that was the attraction - but she will still have to do the high level corporate hositality (and she is not up to that!)
Having said that, I have virtually no money at the moment but I can hang on to the fact i will have soon.
This sounds very bitchy but I have had to fight hard for all of this - I would much rather have a loving, caring husband and a stable family.
The lawyer is essencial!

KatieBee 08/26/2008

MFio - I wish I had had your lawyer!!!!! LOL

deleted_user 08/26/2008

Chrissey stick to your guns, get what is fair what you need. I got what I wanted and have been very happy, we just did a total buyout and i got a big fat check. was it hard until that came, but in end all was fair, I think we split things pretty evenly and life goes on. So don't give in!!

deleted_user 08/26/2008

I am sorry you are here, but you knew it was coming! I must say that it hurts like hell! I hate talking about it and it makes me sad! I hate seeing the lawyer~ it makes me sad. But, we were left with no choice and we mush do what we must do! I hope your "talk" goes as well as it can and that you hang in there! You know what you are entitled, so you need to stand up for what you deserve! I am thinking of you and sending you hugs!

Chrissy614 08/27/2008

Thanks everyone. This just brings home the fact that it's happening when I tried so hard to stop it. He sent me an email listing all our assets - item by item. I told him I will not do this via email and he'll have to call me next week to set up a time for us to meet.

The key is I have to remain calm no matter how little he tries to give me. There are certain things I want, certain things I'm entitled to. He'll just have to accept it.

deleted_user 08/27/2008

Do you have an attorney? It will probably be best to sort this out in front of one. If you don't have one then find a mediator, they are very helpful and cheaper than an attorney.

deleted_user 08/27/2008

Chrissy: Let him put everything in writing. When you find him lying (and you will) you'll have it in black and white.

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