Welcome to our lovely group!! You've come to a wonderful place of encouragement and support that is unparalleled. I think many of us have been where you are now. I was married at 20 and with the same man for nearly 30 years. It was devastating at first to be suddenly alone. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. But, time and a lot of hard work has changed that. It will for you, too. I'm 45, so a few years younger than you, but I can tell you that you have a LOT of life left to live, you need only grab it and live it. Age is just a number anyway. Now is your time to rediscover yourself and do all those things you couldn't do before because you were busy sacrificing in your role as wife and mother. We've all done that. It's part of being a woman. We're hard-wired to put the needs of others first.

I had wrapped myself so completely around my ex that I truly thought I would vaporize. I didn't stop shaking for months after he left me. But, I eventually started working out, taking much better care of myself than I did before, reading profusely, and spending hours just being still and trying to discern what I liked and wanted to do with my life. Sometimes the answers are right there, you just have to listen for them.

Take things slow, take good care of yourself, and try to be open to new possibilities. Keep a positive outlook as much as possible. Lean on others when you need it. That's what we're all here for. I also recommend journaling. It really helped me to write down what I was thinking so I could recognize negative patterns of thought and also to see in writing the things I wanted to do for myself. If it's possible, you might consider therapy. I've had some pretty amazing breakthroughs in my therapy sessions.

The horrible feelings you are experiencing now will slowly fade away and be replaced by feelings of hope, excitement, and curiosity for your future. You will get there. Just take it one step at a time.

Kindest regards,
Kim

thanks so much Kim, I have been in therapy for a while now. First by myself, then in marriage counceling and then back to myself to help figure out what to do with myself. I have a great therapist. She has pointed out many things to me and my biggest problem is ME. I honestly am not a negative person in most areas of my life,, but I am truly my own worst enemy. I have tried journaling several times but never keep up with it. My challenge now is to come up with 3 things everyday that I am grateful for. the challenge is not finding the things I am grateful for, but doing it everyday to make a positive change in my brain. I have read a lot, listened to CD's in my car, and sat in therapy workshops. I know what I have to do to change my thought patterns, -- i just can't seem to do it.

We all do things we think are right for our kids. Give of ourselves to keep them happy. Give them the illusion that all is right in their world. You have raised four children that wish you both happiness and new lives.

Your life is not over at 52. You have time to make a second life for yourself. Now is your time to explore having that new life. You may try many things til you figure out who you are and what you want.

I'm older than you and I'm striving to make 34 acres into a boarding farm. Some years I board many horses and other years just a few. I live by myself with the dog, cats and horses.l'm happy for the first time in many years.

You will learn many things on this new journey you are starting. To like your alone time and still enjoy the company of the new friends you will make. Treat this as a positive change and you will like the life you will be making for yourself.

Welcome here, aimeemcoe. I admire you and your partner for making it through all those child-rearing years. I stuck through the last 20 years of my marriage by gritting my teeth, too. Once my youngest was independent, I couldn't do it any more and opted out as well. I was a bit worried at 52 to be on my own for the first time in my entire life, but I figured anything was better than staying with my emotionally and verbally abusive ex.

On the contrary, you have much to offer the world at your age. Your kids still need their mum and they'll have children who will need their grandma. Is there anything you always wanted to be or do or learn. Now is the time. Think about old passions you've let go, hobbies you always wanted to enjoy, places you wanted to travel, volunteering to help others. You're a way of that retirement home yet. Once you've settled down and unpacked all your removal boxes, start looking about. You'll be amazed at what's out there.

Most of all, get to know yourself as a single person. Know who you are, what you believe in, how you like your eggs:) Take care of you and love yourself and others, and it will all work out.

love and hugs
kamary

yes this is the hard part-- who am I and what do I want? I am so confused about this. I am leaving our 15 acre parcel with an old house on it to move to "suburbia" again in AZ. I wanted the acreage as I wanted animals and space. I love it out here. But it's a lot of work, and I work full time at a very physical job because I have to. I don't have the energy for this place, to make it what I want. I thought my husband was is agreement with me on what we would do with this little farm, but apparently he was not and didn't tell me. So he is staying on the acreage, and I am moving to our other house, the one that HE wanted. Doesn't make sense but it seem like the only option right now. That gets me back to the --" I don't know what I want" -- this decision is sssssoooo hard. If I hate AZ, i can always sell it and come back- that's what I am telling myself.

Hello aimeemcoe. I agree with the others....52 doesn't mean you have a foot in the grave. You have lots of years left in you and there is so much the world has to offer. I left the marital home too. It was lots of upkeep. I would not have been able to carve out a new life if I didn't move from there. You sound like you are doing a lot of the work towards discovering what you want already. You are not divorced yet, and like you wrote, your STBX (soon to be EX) has changed his minds about where he wants to live. Having said that, it's difficult to know what you are going to start with until the divorce is over and things are settled. Don't feel like you have to decide right away. See what you are going to end up with financial wise so you can start planning,.

Welcome to the group.

I am not sure I am the right person to give advice. I too am going through the same thing. I was married for 20. My divorce was final January 10. I am 45 years old. I have 3 kids and a grandbaby on the way. I don't have answers yet. Just trying to get past the loneliness of everyday life without taking care of someone else. I am trying really hard to find me and what I like to do to take care of myself. It has been very difficult very freeing. These people have been very help and uplifting with their comments. I really appreciate being able to come to the site and write down what I am feeling and somebody always has words of comfort for you. It is all so overwhelming, but as I am learning, with patience, it will all get better. And in the end, you will win because you realize you are finally happy.

Aimee, 52 is NOT old and nowhere NEAR rocking chair age! I imagine you are feeling this because you've never been alone (single) as an adult, and it's scary. MANY of us have been there. This feeling will pass as you adjust to your new circumstances.

It takes time Aimee. Don't expect to "bounce" back from the emotional shock of divorce quickly. There are many stages in the process, and it helps to GET help!

Join a support group and if you can afford it (or source if something free is available) sign up for counseling. There is much that you will learn about yourself through the "discovery" process of talk therapy. More so than just chatting with loving or helpful friends in many ways.

If your kids are supportive of the separation of their parents, it makes me think that they sensed that perhaps it was either not a "great" marriage to begin with. Something makes them support this change anyway!

Maybe your kids sense an inner strength in YOU that you don't recognize yourself - ever consider that? You are likely MUCH stronger and have many more skills than you realize. You can make it on your own. And besides, you will NEVER truly be alone if you have family and friends!

You say you were "happy" in your marriage, but you don't mention love. Maybe more than happy, you were content. BIG difference there. As for myself, i think in retrospect that I was just content, in the sense that I accepted a level of disappointment and unhappiness as "normal". It doesn't need to be that way...it should NOT be that way!

Just a few thoughts for you to ponder. You WILL start to heal and make headway in your new life, but you'll need some help. Please seek it out. And read the recent post that lists books that might help you in the coming days. Welcome to our group!

I really like the point iammine made: "You say you were "happy" in your marriage, but you don't mention love. Maybe more than happy, you were content. BIG difference there. As for myself, i think in retrospect that I was just content, in the sense that I accepted a level of disappointment and unhappiness as "normal". It doesn't need to be that way...it should NOT be that way!"

That's so very true. I learned that I am extremely adaptable and was all too willing to accept less than I deserved. The good news is that I can find contentment in less than ideal circumstances. The bad news is the same. It means that I wasn't being true to myself and didn't believe I was worth more. I suspect the same was true in your marriage. There's a fine line between contentment and complacency. I thought I was just content, but, in fact, I was lulled into a false sense of security by my own refusal to see things as they truly were.

You will discover so many wonderful things about yourself once you allow the old life to melt away. Then your true self will shine and, hopefully, will never allow that light to dim under the cloak of "good enough" ever again.

All my best to you,
Kim

thanks for all your input everyone! I wasn't "happy" in my marriage, ever. We created a "happy" home which meant me keeping my mouth shut. Yes, my kids did sense our discontent with each other. My husband is not a bad guy, but he was in no way the right kind of guy for me. He needs someone like his mom who doesn't need to be a full time partner in everything but more of a "house fixture". My husband has told me several times that I am just not a happy person. I am in therapy, I have a Phd and life coach helping me. I think people view me as a very strong person, and therefore feel that I am okay in this situation, and will be just fine in the future. My biggest concern right now is I have a job that I HATE, and I am doing that job because there wasn't any other opportunity at the time. I have a strong Entreprenurial (sp) streak and want to create my own work. I have zero confidence here. Here I go again, rambling. I truly am grateful for all your input here. As you can tell my mind is a jumbled up mess right now. What I do know, is that I am doing the right thing. I knew 1 month into the marriage that I should not have married him, but rather just had the baby and went on from there. Hind sight,,, 20-20. but I do have 4 really great kids and one adorable grandson.

I agree with all of you. I am in a marriage and not happy just going through the motions every day. Emotionally I am drained and mentally. To make a very long short I am just plain afraid of the unknown!!! I like to be alone but permanently is another thing. Financially I think I can do i can do it. My son has left to live with his dad as he has had enough and indirectly pushed out by my husband. . He is 19 and doing better and see that I should follow in his foot steps but is always there. I am 42. Also, I have my grandmother living with us well but she is all for what ever I choose and totally understands and sees and hears what I go through. She even says u r unhappy!!! I love when my husbands as it,s quiet for a change. He always has an answer for everything!!!! Drinking nights are even better verbally!!!!

Anyway that is it in a nut shell!!!!

Welcome - Trisha's right you found a good place here. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but ultimately, you will make it through. It's not where any of us thought we would be, but you are strong and you will be fine. We are all here for you anytime you need to talk.

Time4Kim-- I re-read your message and you hit the nail on the head. Everything you described above is exactly how I was/am living. I still am cause I am still in the same house with this man. I NEED to get out ASAP. The logistics are just a little tricky. I honestly don't know where to go- but I do think I need to get out of Dodge and start over somewhere else.

"Good thinking, Dobbs" (anyone remember F-Troop? LOL)

but that's what I reckon will make the difference, aimeemcoe. When you are away from the person who is constantly causing your unhappiness, then you can get out from under that big thumb. I always envisaged my ex as a huge nasty thumb bearing down on me, and it was impossible to run away, crawl away or bend out of the way. The only thing to do was to get right out of the house. After that, the healing began.

Once you make the decision, the path will become clear. When you see it, take it without a second thought.

love and hugs
kamary

YES! BIG THUMB IS RIGHT! my husband is controlling but in a very passive way. He has a very even-keeled temperment but as my therapist says he is very auditory- and closed off. I have never met anyone who thinks he doesn't need any kind of self improvement. He thinks he is fine just the way he is. I know this is a fine line as we are constantly told to love ourselves and accept who we are, but there are times when you notice small flaws in your personality that you really want to work on and change. Not this guy. He went to marriage counseling but it was like he said all the right things to the counselor- I just sat and rolled my eyes. I learned in therapy that what he says is "incongruent" with what his body language is or what he does. His whole family is that way. They would says things and I would call it "word vomit" cause it didn't mean anything. Had me baffled for years, but i guess there is a word for it. I would be interested to know if anyone else has run across this? It's so weird.