Like so many of you, I've struggled to accept that my ex didn't want me anymore - that he chose another woman over me. This is particularly painful given our 24 years of marriage and two children. We have so much history together, and I couldn't wrap my head around the notion that it just didn't matter to him anymore. I would go about my routine: get up, get ready, go to classes, come home, do homework, fall into bed - repeat. Somewhere in each of those stages, I'd find myself crying. You know, the knot in the stomach, heart aching, gut wrenching pain of loss, rejection, and loneliness leaking out. This happened on a daily basis for quite a while.

I told my therapist that my ex should have just told me the truth; that he had fallen in love with someone else. He should have been honest with me all the times I asked if he loved me and if we were okay instead of systematically lying to me. He deceived me, made plans behind my back, and ultimately threw me out of my own home when he was finally done with me. She surprised me with her response. She said, "Why should he have been honest or treated you better?" I was dumbfounded and speechless (something I'm not used to, as you may already know). I rather thought the answer to her question was obvious and set in stone. Was there another possibility? I told her I didn't understand her question.

She asked me to tell her about times in my life with my ex when he didn't tell the truth or treated me in ways that were harmful or hurtful. I thought for a moment, then began to recall times when he was less than honest or downright deceitful and cruel. Of course, immediately, his lying and cheating on me before we were married came to mind. My therapist said, "He was showing you who he was even way back then. So, should he have told the truth?" You could almost see the light bulb hovering over my head explode with light.

Ok, I got it. He was a liar. He was deceitful. He was mean and hateful. He was all of these things all along. I just didn't see it. But, if he is such a terrible guy, why is he now going to church with his affair partner (soon to be his wife) when he wouldn't go with me? Why did he join the Lutheran Church for her when he wouldn't for me? Why is he out making friends and getting along with people for her but refused to be even modestly polite to people when he was with me? Why did he keep me so isolated and not allow us to have friends (by us, I mean myself and my kids)? I went on and on like this for several minutes. Finally, I had to stop and tend to the tears streaming down my face.

When I had somewhat composed myself, my therapist said the most profound thing she's ever said to date. She said, "He didn't love you enough." I swear, I actually felt the bus strike me full on, back up, and hit me again. She was right. When the pain of the impact subsided, I suddenly felt lighter.

Since that revelation, I've thought back to all the years we were together. I've looked at them through this new lens and have been amazed by what I see. My ex went through the motions of love. He often said and even did the right things, but there was no meaning behind them. He would give me beautiful cards and just sign them "Love, B__." I noticed this same pattern with his parents. I've seen many of the cards they've exchanged with each other. In my cards to my ex, I always wrote how I felt. I didn't just leave it up to the good folks at Hallmark to speak for me. I told him what he meant to ME. Throughout our marriage, I would ask him why he loved me. He always had the same, pat answer. In fact, he would sometimes answer before I finished asking the question. He would say, "Because you're cute." That's it. When I would ask for more, he would become somewhat irritated and say, "I don't know. I'd have to think about it." It always hurt, deep down inside, but it didn't fully register for me what this really meant until now. My ex never liked to discuss intimate details. He lacked communication skills, something he inherited from his parents. In my efforts to love him just as he was, I dismissed this issue and chalked it up to "he'll get better over time." He didn't - at least not with me.

My daughter once told my ex that he was wrong if he believed that the grass would be greener with his mistress. She begged him to reconsider our divorce. I've thought about that metaphor, too. It would seem, from outward appearances, that my ex is actively toting around the watering can in his new relationship. Perhaps, he may have even filled the can and is watering his new lawn with care. But, if you were to inspect the can, you may find it's just as empty as it was when he was with me. Simply carrying the can about is not enough. You actually have to water the lawn. You have to care enough about the tender grass and flowers and plants to pull the weeds that crop up, fertilize, and water regularly. Without these things, the lawn and flowers and plants will wither and die. The only thing that watered the lawn and flowers and plants in our relationship was my tears. I often cried myself to sleep because I knew things weren't right. I knew that I was lonely, afraid, and unhappy. But, I saw him carrying the can. I kept hoping that one day, he'd actually fill it. If I work harder, longer, give up more, give in more, etc. etc. maybe he'll fill the can. He never did. There was nothing inherently wrong with me. I, like anyone else, deserved love and care and tenderness. Sure, I made mistakes; I'm only human. But nothing I did or failed to do warranted such neglect. Over time, I changed. I know I began to neglect things, too. Eventually, I withered and died along with our relationship.

I've wondered about all the memories from our marriage that incessantly flash in my head, usually triggered by a song or something someone says or driving by a place we used to visit. These flashbacks are memories of moments when things seemed so right and we seemed happy together. How do I explain those? Were they real at all? I've come to understand that while they were real - meaning they actually happened - my recollection of them is clouded by my perceptions and beliefs about them. If I remove the filters of perception, they lose some of the sting of loss that always accompanies them. In any relationship, even unhealthy ones, there will be times when things are okay, maybe even good. After all, droughts are broken by intermittent rain showers.

I finally understand that if my ex had truly loved me, he would have done a lot of things differently. He would have been willing to try things because he knew that I enjoyed them. He wouldn't have treated me with such indifference. The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. I wouldn't have been neglected, unheard, unwanted, and lonely. I wouldn't have suffered from severe depression or had thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't have prayed for death. I would have felt loved, secure, and wanted. I would have thrived. Babies who don't receive enough love, touch, and care will become ill and eventually die. They are said to have "failed to thrive." Things don't change much as we grow and mature. We still need love, touch, and care to become the best versions of ourselves that we can be.

Now, I lovingly care for myself. I've been given the gift of a new life. A fresh start. A chance to plant and grow and prosper as I see fit. Yes, I'm still terribly lonely much of the time. Even if a relationship is unhealthy, it still leaves a void when it goes away. I feel that void every day of my life. Slowly, I'm trying to plant new seeds of interest in things I once loved and even new things I've always wanted to try. I hope that, over time, the void will begin to fill in a little. I still want to meet and fall in love with a man who can't imagine anything more important than tending to our relationship with love and care and lots and lots of all the wonderful, little moments that make up a happy and fulfilling relationship. But, I will be very careful to inspect the can this time. It better be full of water!

It remains to be seen whether or not my ex is just a clever chameleon or finally found the right patch of garden to tend. It doesn't really matter to me in the grand scheme of things. I know the truth of our relationship now. I'm finally ready to lay flowers at its grave and move on. I know I'll visit from time to time, maybe even bring a fresh flower or two. But, I can't dwell there. I don't live there anymore.

I hope this helps those of you who have struggled with these issues, too. Spring is almost here. Go fetch some water and plant some seeds of your own.

With loving kindness,
Kim