Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Like so many of you, I've struggled to accept that my ex didn't want me anymore - that he chose another woman over me. This is particularly painful given our 24 years of marriage and two children. We have so much history together, and I couldn't wrap my head around the notion that it just didn't matter to him anymore. I would go about my routine: get up, get ready, go to classes, come home, do homework, fall into bed - repeat. Somewhere in each of those stages, I'd find myself crying. You know, the knot in the stomach, heart aching, gut wrenching pain of loss, rejection, and loneliness leaking out. This happened on a daily basis for quite a while.
I told my therapist that my ex should have just told me the truth; that he had fallen in love with someone else. He should have been honest with me all the times I asked if he loved me and if we were okay instead of systematically lying to me. He deceived me, made plans behind my back, and ultimately threw me out of my own home when he was finally done with me. She surprised me with her response. She said, "Why should he have been honest or treated you better?" I was dumbfounded and speechless (something I'm not used to, as you may already know). I rather thought the answer to her question was obvious and set in stone. Was there another possibility? I told her I didn't understand her question.
She asked me to tell her about times in my life with my ex when he didn't tell the truth or treated me in ways that were harmful or hurtful. I thought for a moment, then began to recall times when he was less than honest or downright deceitful and cruel. Of course, immediately, his lying and cheating on me before we were married came to mind. My therapist said, "He was showing you who he was even way back then. So, should he have told the truth?" You could almost see the light bulb hovering over my head explode with light.
Ok, I got it. He was a liar. He was deceitful. He was mean and hateful. He was all of these things all along. I just didn't see it. But, if he is such a terrible guy, why is he now going to church with his affair partner (soon to be his wife) when he wouldn't go with me? Why did he join the Lutheran Church for her when he wouldn't for me? Why is he out making friends and getting along with people for her but refused to be even modestly polite to people when he was with me? Why did he keep me so isolated and not allow us to have friends (by us, I mean myself and my kids)? I went on and on like this for several minutes. Finally, I had to stop and tend to the tears streaming down my face.
When I had somewhat composed myself, my therapist said the most profound thing she's ever said to date. She said, "He didn't love you enough." I swear, I actually felt the bus strike me full on, back up, and hit me again. She was right. When the pain of the impact subsided, I suddenly felt lighter.
Since that revelation, I've thought back to all the years we were together. I've looked at them through this new lens and have been amazed by what I see. My ex went through the motions of love. He often said and even did the right things, but there was no meaning behind them. He would give me beautiful cards and just sign them "Love, B__." I noticed this same pattern with his parents. I've seen many of the cards they've exchanged with each other. In my cards to my ex, I always wrote how I felt. I didn't just leave it up to the good folks at Hallmark to speak for me. I told him what he meant to ME. Throughout our marriage, I would ask him why he loved me. He always had the same, pat answer. In fact, he would sometimes answer before I finished asking the question. He would say, "Because you're cute." That's it. When I would ask for more, he would become somewhat irritated and say, "I don't know. I'd have to think about it." It always hurt, deep down inside, but it didn't fully register for me what this really meant until now. My ex never liked to discuss intimate details. He lacked communication skills, something he inherited from his parents. In my efforts to love him just as he was, I dismissed this issue and chalked it up to "he'll get better over time." He didn't - at least not with me.
My daughter once told my ex that he was wrong if he believed that the grass would be greener with his mistress. She begged him to reconsider our divorce. I've thought about that metaphor, too. It would seem, from outward appearances, that my ex is actively toting around the watering can in his new relationship. Perhaps, he may have even filled the can and is watering his new lawn with care. But, if you were to inspect the can, you may find it's just as empty as it was when he was with me. Simply carrying the can about is not enough. You actually have to water the lawn. You have to care enough about the tender grass and flowers and plants to pull the weeds that crop up, fertilize, and water regularly. Without these things, the lawn and flowers and plants will wither and die. The only thing that watered the lawn and flowers and plants in our relationship was my tears. I often cried myself to sleep because I knew things weren't right. I knew that I was lonely, afraid, and unhappy. But, I saw him carrying the can. I kept hoping that one day, he'd actually fill it. If I work harder, longer, give up more, give in more, etc. etc. maybe he'll fill the can. He never did. There was nothing inherently wrong with me. I, like anyone else, deserved love and care and tenderness. Sure, I made mistakes; I'm only human. But nothing I did or failed to do warranted such neglect. Over time, I changed. I know I began to neglect things, too. Eventually, I withered and died along with our relationship.
I've wondered about all the memories from our marriage that incessantly flash in my head, usually triggered by a song or something someone says or driving by a place we used to visit. These flashbacks are memories of moments when things seemed so right and we seemed happy together. How do I explain those? Were they real at all? I've come to understand that while they were real - meaning they actually happened - my recollection of them is clouded by my perceptions and beliefs about them. If I remove the filters of perception, they lose some of the sting of loss that always accompanies them. In any relationship, even unhealthy ones, there will be times when things are okay, maybe even good. After all, droughts are broken by intermittent rain showers.
I finally understand that if my ex had truly loved me, he would have done a lot of things differently. He would have been willing to try things because he knew that I enjoyed them. He wouldn't have treated me with such indifference. The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. I wouldn't have been neglected, unheard, unwanted, and lonely. I wouldn't have suffered from severe depression or had thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't have prayed for death. I would have felt loved, secure, and wanted. I would have thrived. Babies who don't receive enough love, touch, and care will become ill and eventually die. They are said to have "failed to thrive." Things don't change much as we grow and mature. We still need love, touch, and care to become the best versions of ourselves that we can be.
Now, I lovingly care for myself. I've been given the gift of a new life. A fresh start. A chance to plant and grow and prosper as I see fit. Yes, I'm still terribly lonely much of the time. Even if a relationship is unhealthy, it still leaves a void when it goes away. I feel that void every day of my life. Slowly, I'm trying to plant new seeds of interest in things I once loved and even new things I've always wanted to try. I hope that, over time, the void will begin to fill in a little. I still want to meet and fall in love with a man who can't imagine anything more important than tending to our relationship with love and care and lots and lots of all the wonderful, little moments that make up a happy and fulfilling relationship. But, I will be very careful to inspect the can this time. It better be full of water!
It remains to be seen whether or not my ex is just a clever chameleon or finally found the right patch of garden to tend. It doesn't really matter to me in the grand scheme of things. I know the truth of our relationship now. I'm finally ready to lay flowers at its grave and move on. I know I'll visit from time to time, maybe even bring a fresh flower or two. But, I can't dwell there. I don't live there anymore.
I hope this helps those of you who have struggled with these issues, too. Spring is almost here. Go fetch some water and plant some seeds of your own.
With loving kindness,
Kim
I told my therapist that my ex should have just told me the truth; that he had fallen in love with someone else. He should have been honest with me all the times I asked if he loved me and if we were okay instead of systematically lying to me. He deceived me, made plans behind my back, and ultimately threw me out of my own home when he was finally done with me. She surprised me with her response. She said, "Why should he have been honest or treated you better?" I was dumbfounded and speechless (something I'm not used to, as you may already know). I rather thought the answer to her question was obvious and set in stone. Was there another possibility? I told her I didn't understand her question.
She asked me to tell her about times in my life with my ex when he didn't tell the truth or treated me in ways that were harmful or hurtful. I thought for a moment, then began to recall times when he was less than honest or downright deceitful and cruel. Of course, immediately, his lying and cheating on me before we were married came to mind. My therapist said, "He was showing you who he was even way back then. So, should he have told the truth?" You could almost see the light bulb hovering over my head explode with light.
Ok, I got it. He was a liar. He was deceitful. He was mean and hateful. He was all of these things all along. I just didn't see it. But, if he is such a terrible guy, why is he now going to church with his affair partner (soon to be his wife) when he wouldn't go with me? Why did he join the Lutheran Church for her when he wouldn't for me? Why is he out making friends and getting along with people for her but refused to be even modestly polite to people when he was with me? Why did he keep me so isolated and not allow us to have friends (by us, I mean myself and my kids)? I went on and on like this for several minutes. Finally, I had to stop and tend to the tears streaming down my face.
When I had somewhat composed myself, my therapist said the most profound thing she's ever said to date. She said, "He didn't love you enough." I swear, I actually felt the bus strike me full on, back up, and hit me again. She was right. When the pain of the impact subsided, I suddenly felt lighter.
Since that revelation, I've thought back to all the years we were together. I've looked at them through this new lens and have been amazed by what I see. My ex went through the motions of love. He often said and even did the right things, but there was no meaning behind them. He would give me beautiful cards and just sign them "Love, B__." I noticed this same pattern with his parents. I've seen many of the cards they've exchanged with each other. In my cards to my ex, I always wrote how I felt. I didn't just leave it up to the good folks at Hallmark to speak for me. I told him what he meant to ME. Throughout our marriage, I would ask him why he loved me. He always had the same, pat answer. In fact, he would sometimes answer before I finished asking the question. He would say, "Because you're cute." That's it. When I would ask for more, he would become somewhat irritated and say, "I don't know. I'd have to think about it." It always hurt, deep down inside, but it didn't fully register for me what this really meant until now. My ex never liked to discuss intimate details. He lacked communication skills, something he inherited from his parents. In my efforts to love him just as he was, I dismissed this issue and chalked it up to "he'll get better over time." He didn't - at least not with me.
My daughter once told my ex that he was wrong if he believed that the grass would be greener with his mistress. She begged him to reconsider our divorce. I've thought about that metaphor, too. It would seem, from outward appearances, that my ex is actively toting around the watering can in his new relationship. Perhaps, he may have even filled the can and is watering his new lawn with care. But, if you were to inspect the can, you may find it's just as empty as it was when he was with me. Simply carrying the can about is not enough. You actually have to water the lawn. You have to care enough about the tender grass and flowers and plants to pull the weeds that crop up, fertilize, and water regularly. Without these things, the lawn and flowers and plants will wither and die. The only thing that watered the lawn and flowers and plants in our relationship was my tears. I often cried myself to sleep because I knew things weren't right. I knew that I was lonely, afraid, and unhappy. But, I saw him carrying the can. I kept hoping that one day, he'd actually fill it. If I work harder, longer, give up more, give in more, etc. etc. maybe he'll fill the can. He never did. There was nothing inherently wrong with me. I, like anyone else, deserved love and care and tenderness. Sure, I made mistakes; I'm only human. But nothing I did or failed to do warranted such neglect. Over time, I changed. I know I began to neglect things, too. Eventually, I withered and died along with our relationship.
I've wondered about all the memories from our marriage that incessantly flash in my head, usually triggered by a song or something someone says or driving by a place we used to visit. These flashbacks are memories of moments when things seemed so right and we seemed happy together. How do I explain those? Were they real at all? I've come to understand that while they were real - meaning they actually happened - my recollection of them is clouded by my perceptions and beliefs about them. If I remove the filters of perception, they lose some of the sting of loss that always accompanies them. In any relationship, even unhealthy ones, there will be times when things are okay, maybe even good. After all, droughts are broken by intermittent rain showers.
I finally understand that if my ex had truly loved me, he would have done a lot of things differently. He would have been willing to try things because he knew that I enjoyed them. He wouldn't have treated me with such indifference. The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. I wouldn't have been neglected, unheard, unwanted, and lonely. I wouldn't have suffered from severe depression or had thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't have prayed for death. I would have felt loved, secure, and wanted. I would have thrived. Babies who don't receive enough love, touch, and care will become ill and eventually die. They are said to have "failed to thrive." Things don't change much as we grow and mature. We still need love, touch, and care to become the best versions of ourselves that we can be.
Now, I lovingly care for myself. I've been given the gift of a new life. A fresh start. A chance to plant and grow and prosper as I see fit. Yes, I'm still terribly lonely much of the time. Even if a relationship is unhealthy, it still leaves a void when it goes away. I feel that void every day of my life. Slowly, I'm trying to plant new seeds of interest in things I once loved and even new things I've always wanted to try. I hope that, over time, the void will begin to fill in a little. I still want to meet and fall in love with a man who can't imagine anything more important than tending to our relationship with love and care and lots and lots of all the wonderful, little moments that make up a happy and fulfilling relationship. But, I will be very careful to inspect the can this time. It better be full of water!
It remains to be seen whether or not my ex is just a clever chameleon or finally found the right patch of garden to tend. It doesn't really matter to me in the grand scheme of things. I know the truth of our relationship now. I'm finally ready to lay flowers at its grave and move on. I know I'll visit from time to time, maybe even bring a fresh flower or two. But, I can't dwell there. I don't live there anymore.
I hope this helps those of you who have struggled with these issues, too. Spring is almost here. Go fetch some water and plant some seeds of your own.
With loving kindness,
Kim
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
My ex was also verbally and emotionally abusive and did the same kinds of things as you ex--right down to the way he signed cards. My ex would sign, "Your husband." Rarely would he even use the word love in the card. So cold and perfunctory.
I love that you see that you have been given a brand new life. I love my life--if my ex came crawling back to me now, I wouldn't even consider taking him back. I now know what it feels like to love myself and put myself first for a change.
This is a wonderful message for the newbies! Thanks for sharing.
Next week Im going to visit my twin grandsons for 3 weeks and then to Ca for a month to see my other grands.
I cant wait. I'll be busy with the kids and wont have time to think about the what ifs.
I so needed this today. Pretty much everything you wrote, echos what's been going on in my marriage for many many years. He did not love me enough!
I am still under the same roof with him, hopefully things will fall into place for me soon and I can start living my own life and start loving myself.
Thank you again, you are the angel I've been praying for.
Your ex may be trying his best to be this wonderful man to his new woman but inside he is still the toad you know him to be. Don't let him fool you. The book was called Aunt Alex's Army guide. How to see a toad for who he is. Something like that title, I'm not exact. I married a. Toad too, and everyone loves him. But he is a big user.
I wouldn't lose too much sleep over what he appears to be doing for the ow. As I know so well myself, it's a bit of a waste of time because we can never know what's really going on in someone else's relationship.
Your therapist was pretty blunt and her comment pretty shocking, but I think she's honest and had your best interests at heart in bringing the truth to your attention. Facing the truth in any given situation has to happen before we can accept things and find a way to move forward from things that have kept us in the deep dark hole.
So many of us here would still be married except for the fact that our ex's chose not to work to keep our marriages alive and well. It was their choice, even in cases like my own, where I was the one who chose to leave because it was so very obvious that my ex didn't love me, nor did he have any interest in loving me. I suspect now that I know more about his type of person, that he stayed married to me and created an image for his public world which made him look good in their eyes. That's all that mattered to him.
I think your daughter's right. I doubt that he's finding life is any greener on the other side. Oh, he'll put in the hard yards and create the illusion, but in the end, his world will be just as empty of emotion and unreal as the one he created with you - because he's incapable of loving another. If he could do it, he would have done it with you, and mine would have done it with me. They don't know how, unfortunately for them and whoever they turn to next.
The void you feel is a natural part of life after divorce. There'll be an emptiness where there used to be someone, however difficult they were to live with. In time, you'll fill that void with things that you enjoy and find fulfilment in other ways. One day, there may be someone with a watering can full of beautiful rain water full of goodness. That will happen at the right time when you and the other person are ready.
As to what happens to your ex, don't waste another moment wondering how he is or what's going on, or even wishing for karma to come to his imagineary graveside. No point living there. Let karma do her own work while you get on with your wonderful new free life full of promise and excitement - the life you were meant to have.
This is a wonderful post full of strength and acceptance. You're well on your way to a great new life.
love and hugs
kamary
Wow I love the way you write. Your style keeps me glued and in the story. "He didn't love me enough" Thats a hard pill to swallow at least for me right now. I am choking on it. I suspect that it is the truth for many of us here. Not easy to accept, but nonetheless true. It's always been hard for me to understand the void even when what used to fill it was robbing life more than giving it. I still don't get what's missing, I just know I feel like something is. looking at my four page list of things I don't miss, it's hard to imagine that there would be a feeling of any loss, but somehow there is. I have been thinking lately that maybe it's not so much the loss of him, as it is the loss of my title, my identity, the loss of an idea of what life was supposed to be. I mean I didn't see myself alone at this point in my life all my thoughts and plans for the future included him. I don't know for sure what this sense of loss is I feel.
I do believe with my whole heart that if I got into a relationship right now that some or a lot of who I was with him would carry over. I say that, to say this: I doubt very much changed in him with her. There was nothing about himself that he didn't like enough to change and in the beginning they all try harder to be what the new person wants, but deep down they are exactly who they were when they left the marriage. How can there be some profound change with no work? I am having to work my ass off to even scratch the surface of changing myself. I mean day and night. All of us do. No way they can just miraculously morph into good men that have it all right over night. I suspect he is still woking with the same empty watering can you just can't see it from where you stand now.
I have always thought this weird thing too. Now that he is gone he won't be an angry bully who can't cope with life anymore. He will magically morph into this great guy that I always wanted him to be, with someone else. The likely hood of that is next to nil when he sees nothing wrong with who he is and has done no mental work to change any of it. Who we are and what's ingrained doesn't change easily, especially when we don't see whats wrong with us.
I love your perspective. Sometimes perspective is all it takes to move out of pain and into understanding and acceptance. You give me hope. You inspire me. I have a long way to go before I can say all the things I know to be true and not feel the sting. The sting right now stops me in my tracks and I can't move. Guess I am not ready to face all of it now. The biggest part of me still wants to believe he really loved me and I didn't waste 20 years of my life, but my reality screams so loud that those thoughts are becoming whispers I struggle to hear.
I read posts like this and I know I will get there. I know I will embrace this new life with happiness and excitement someday. Maybe not now or even a few months from now, but someday. You are an amazingly strong, smart, beautiful, and compassionate woman. His loss! Your gain! Now you can really live and embrace the new blessing God has in store for you. Now the door is wide open for someone who's can is full, who will love you enough, and who can see and appreciate those things in you to walk through.
Thank you for sharing this with us (((((((((((( hugs)))))))))))))))
I'd like to go a point further, more likely, the ex doesn't love anyone ENOUGH. I've learned that it has nothing to do with my NOT being enough , but rather, the ex has a twisted perception about relationships in general. Your use of cards in his family, is a good example, certainly seems to reflect their having some serious deficient with the opposite sex. Although it may seem the ex is dishing out "special" attention / love to their new acquisition, we're forgetting that their heighten activity is motivated to procure a quick replacement . Some might say the ex did love. I agree, to some limitation and hence the "not loving enough" theory. Although the ex must have liked some characteristics about one's self, utilization is not love. For me, I've learned post divorce hopefully to discern the difference. I'm a little more wiser hopefully,
I can also relate to most of what you wrote. I was married for 34 years and even while we were dating I felt that he was not the most emotionally available and physically affectionate guy. But I thought he'd change and married him anyway. So for many years I felt like I was missing that. Thought we were very happy with just some issues but he obviously didn't love me enough either or as my therapist thinks he was incapable of showing love in an intimate way because of his parents too. I know his love for me is over if he chose to leave me now. That, as everyone has written, is the toughest pill to swallow and has destroyed my self-esteem. As a support group, I feel as though you are all my friends and I take such comfort knowing that we share common feelings and support each other to heal and achieve a better and more peaceful life.
PS: About karma (which I never believed in before) - I was devastated when my husband kept our 2 dogs who were my babies because I had no place to keep them. Then my daughter asked me to let him keep them because her dad was all alone and needed their companionship. I didn't argue or push the issue for so many reasons too long to write here. Well, he has just called my daughter and asked her if I want them back because he works a lot and they are alone a great deal. He also said he has to go home 2X a day to let them out (they are 12 & 14 yrs. old). So as not to make himself sound bad, he said to her that if I don't want them back, he is perfectly fine with keeping them. I realized that if he really wanted them he would never have asked if I want them back. So I was unselfish and karma worked for me!!
Who the heck knows WHY?! Sometimes I think that's what a great deal of the posts on this forum truly revolve around....the ever present desire to know WHY?! Guilty myself, definitely! We help each other here, read articles and books by experts, etc. etc. but for many of us getting to the point of not 'wondering' why it all happened is a long tough journey. It's very reminiscent of the "Grief Cycle" for death, where the asking why is eventually replaced with acceptance and understanding .
Fact is, those of us who experienced painful ends to our marriages on this site are here because we want to connect with others, learn from others, and just plain vent! Our ex's are usually the bad guys/gals and as far as I know, there is no forum where the cheaters and bullys and narcissists who many of us were married to 'explain' why they made the choices they did and what motivates them to change (if at all) in new relationships. Wouldn't it be nice though ? ;)
I just learned yesterday that the ex has two wee little dogs and two cats with his new wife. He always HATED little dogs and said pets in general were a nuisance....he used to borderline "kick" our own dog and never interacted with him if he could help it. Apparently now he cuddles with his new pets and is enamored with them. I just laughed when my son told me this....no explanation required!
None of our ex's loved enough. It's a sad true fact. Try not to give him another thought. You are doing wonderfully, now.... go have some fun :)