Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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hullibee 04/16/2015

I'm very apprehensive right now. He left OW on Sunday. it's been 5 days. He says he is DONE with her and doesn't want any contact. As far as I can tell he hasn't contacted her and she hasn't contacted him. I don't know though if I can trust him.

He is still drinking everyday. He was out yesterday after work until he was so drunk the people he was with took his truck keys. He called me to come get him. I did. I don't know if that was right or not. In alanon they say to leave him to his own problems. I sure didn't want him driving.

When I brought him home he passed out in his chair until morning. I then had to take him to work because he didn't have his truck. I just don't know if I have set myself up for disappointment again.

dairytech 04/17/2015

hullibee...I get that you are scared..change is scary. What I learned from my 2 divorces from the same man...when they come back and are not willing to deal with the issues and work hard at fixing themselves and the relationship...its just a matter of time before those same behaviors that caused the divorce in the first place to come back 10 fold. By allowing your ex to come back into the family home you have placed a time bomb in your lap and its just a matter of time before it goes off...this is your doing...not his.

Change will happen regardless...you have a choice...be in control of the changes or have the changes forced upon you. When I look back at my 2 divorces...there were many times where I should have ended it but fear stopped me. In hindsight...I lost 10 years of my life fighting a battle that could not be won. It takes to 2 save a marriage not one. You are alone in your marriage...you can not save it all by yourself. CGK is right...kick that man to the curb with the understanding that if he gets help and gets clean you would be open to counseling. There is one thing you can count on here...he will do it again...Big Hugs...Kathy

hullibee 04/20/2015

thank you. I know in my head and my heart that you are right. It is my fault. I took him back to quickly without boundaries.

I need to set them today. I will talk to him later today after work. I know that he is sick. I cannot change him, I did not cause the alcoholism, and I cannot cure it.

Prayers is all I have right now. I pray for peace. I pray for acceptance. I pray for strength.
Ellen

yougospam 04/20/2015

I have never been in your shoes so I hesitate to give advice regarding an alcoholic spouse. I do agree with all of the responses to your post. But I do understand your wanting to help him and have him part of your life. It takes a lot of strength and guts to leave the one we love behind. I would suggest go to the group "Breakups and Divorce" on DS and look up this poster, mstillstanding She just left an alcoholic relationship and she has some amazing things to say regarding her own situation. I think it will help you in some of your decisions. Good luck and take care of YOU. You deserve so much more in a relationship and if he refuses to get help, then help yourself by letting him go. Hugs!

hullibee 04/20/2015

thanks yougospam. I checked out the Breakups and Divorce site. mstillstanding. yes she has a lot of wisdom. Maybe someday I will be able to see it too.

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