Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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Chrissy614 09/02/2008

I wanted to hang pictures on my "family wall" and I was thinking I should include a picture of my husband with the kids because he is their father and still part of their family. So far the only pictures I have are of the three of us. So I went to the trouble of getting 5x7's - one with him and our son, one with him and our daughter and one of him with his sisters and parents. Beautiful pictures, all of them.

But when I got them in the frame and put it up on the wall - I lost it. Just looking at him with them in happier times made me crumble. I couldnt' do it. I had to take it down. I guess I'm not emotionally strong enough yet to be able to look at this picture without feeling the pain all over again.

So I immediately drove over to his parents house, knowing he wouldn't be there and I asked his mom to please give it to him. I didn't stay long, just dropped it off and left. I cried all the way home.

I knew I would have setbacks and I think the emotion from last nights dinner disaster about our settlement sunk in too. This is all really happening. I'm getting a divorce from someone who was the center of my universe - the love of my life.

I think I was expecting too much from myself by thinking I could handle his picture on the wall. I'm just not ready for that, maybe someday but not today.

I know this setback is temporary and I'll be ok by tomorrow but I don't want to feel anymore pain over this. I want to move on and feel happiness.

It was a tough day but I know I'm a survivor and I'll get past it.

pemdcat 09/02/2008

Chrissy, It will take timefor it sounds as if you loved this man very deeply and the hurt will go just as deep. You are right that it is a setback and yo will rebound tomorrow. You are a survivor, you are getting stronger every day..... one day you will be at the place that will allow you to see his picture, even see him and be strong....have a blessed day ....AJJ

deleted_user 09/02/2008

Chrissy, I've been divorced for 8 months and separated for over a year and I still can't put out pictures of my ex with my kids. I may never be able to. Be patient with yourself, this is a lifechanging event and takes lots of time to work through. My kids can have pictures of their dad in their bedrooms if they want, but I can't look at them everyday, and that is OK. By the way, the kids don't WANT pics of him in their room--somehow gives me a little satisfaction! LOL

deleted_user 09/02/2008

Chrissy - You can't just shut off your life like a light switch. On - Off. Boy, if it were that easy - there would probably only be 10 people in the world still married! But, you can "dim" the lights and you are doing a good job of that. I admire you and your outlook of all that is happening in your life. You're such a good woman and mother - you deserve much better.

Don't look at yesterday as a setback, look at it as a process. One that is just in the beginning stage for you. You know what you need to do to get through this. And, I know you will do it. It's going to take some time though. You have been emotionally and now financially raped - how are you supposed to feel?

I pray for strength and guidance for you and your family. My heart goes out to you. Just do your best, Chrissy, that's all any of us can do. Lean on everyone here for support. It's so helpful to have these caring and wonderful people by your side. Lots of warm thoughts are with you today - girlie - have a good one. Big Huge Hugs.

stopthistrain 09/02/2008

Your feelings sound so perfectly normal to me!! I know i could never have pics of him in this house..and i mean NEVER. right now my kids dont have any either. i actually went through the computer this weekend and deleted all files having anything to do with him. i also found a lovely file including pics of his ow and her son...now THAT was a good moment. You are a very strong woman and i admire you.

deleted_user 09/02/2008

Chrissy give your self more time, I've been gone 2 yrs and I have not put up my family photo, it has my Mom and Dad,my brother hubby and my two children and me, my folks are now both gone and I would like to hang it, but I can't he is in it... all in due time... luv and hugs

deleted_user 09/02/2008

I'm sorry. I don't have any pictures of my stbx up anymore. I didn't take them down, my children did. I don't know where them went and didn't ask.

Let's all put one up of our stbx's or ex's up and use it as a dart board.

LOL and hugs.

deleted_user 09/02/2008

I don't think I will ever be able to have a picture of him again. In fact, I currently do not own any pictures of him whatsoever. I gave him all of the pictures from all of the photo albums the day after he left and I cut him out of the wedding photos (something I actually regret doing because the girls wanted them). Just take your time and maybe someday you will be able to put the pictures up.

deleted_user 09/02/2008

I don't have any pictures of the ex at our home, I told the kids that they are welcome to have a picture of their father in their bedroom but so far none of them wanted to so I didn't have to face that issue. It will take me a long time to be able to go through all the family pictures and look at his face again.

deleted_user 09/02/2008

Chrissy,

I think this sounds perfectly normal. I would not put up pictures in my house either of someone who treated me badly, husband or not. He is still important in you kids lives. Let them have pictures if they want. I don't think that you should have a constant reminder of his betrayal.

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